My first blog entry!!

Originally posted 9/23/04:

So, here I am....blogging away just like my hero's (Julie, Grrl, et al). Of course, I am no where near as clever nor grammically correct as they are, but I shall try to be. I've been mulling over starting a blog for some time now, not only to score some "cool points", but because I need a space outside my norm where I can express myself. Somewhere I can go just to vent.
Today I finally decided to do it because I'm really having a downer of a day. I was thinking of my Memaw ( my mom's mom-yes I'm a hick), and how that now my brother and SIL are going to have their 2nd child, I am the only one out of my brother and cousins who does not have one, let alone two children. I would really love for my grandmother to see my child, but that may never happen. Then, my mother calls me at lunch today to let me know that a friend's daughter is looking for a couple to adopt her baby.

Well, as cool as that would be, there's several problems with that scenario. One, my husband doesn't want to adopt, he wants us to do ART first. Two, I just became a full time student in addition to working full time and keeping a house. So physically, mentally, and financially I'm exhausted and broke; I certainly can't add a newborn to the mix right now, that's not fair to me or the child. Lastly, adoption is not where my heart is at right now. I think it's a beautiful thing, and maybe someday this will be our path to parenthood, but not right now. That baby would just be band-aid over my wounded heart; it would be a "substitute" for what I'm really striving for-a pregnancy of my own. It's like craving chocolate, but you can't have any, so you eat some popcorn instead. Sure, the popcorn is great, but you still really want the chocolate.

I'm sure there are parents out there who have adopted that may think I'm selfish, but that's their opinion. Adoption was the right thing for them; it was what was in their hearts. Most couples who adopt speak of how right it felt when they made that decision to welcome a child into their heart that wasn't biologically theirs. I don't feel that click in my mind or heart that says "this is what you are meant to do". I can't turn off this desire to grow a life inside of me, to feel it grow and move, and to even go through painful labor to give my child life. I want to see the features of my husband and I reflected on the face of our offspring. I want to pass down my bloodlines.

Any decision that an infertile couple makes is theirs alone. They don't make these decisions lightly; there's alot of thought, hope, grief, and tears put into these choices, and it's not for you or I to bash or demean any path a person takes to parenthood. So please, if you comment, be kind. I respect your decison, please respect mine....