Monday, January 31, 2005

Random Mutterings

Sooooooo.... (big, huge sigh) my life pretty much sucks today. My immune system is being it's typically shitty self, and allowed me to catch a cold/flu/whatever last week, completely ruining my weekend. I still feel like shit today, but I'm at work anyway, plugging along, fighting the urge to kill those who annoy me.

I'm sure most of this is my adjustment to the birth control patches I'm using in a vain attempt to curb the endo and it's relentless assault on my reproductive organs. My 3rd week patch fell off in the shower last night, two days before I was supposed to remove it. This now means that not only will my period come sooner than expected, I have to change the start date for my patches. I'm cramping, irritable, and possibly homicidal. Stay the fuck outta my way!

Speaking of hormones.....thanks to the hormones, my boobs are terribly sore and sensitive. Accompaning it is a sense of vague nausea. All of this tempts me to christen an Evil Pee Stick (patent pending), but why bother? I know I'll only see 1 line-who am I kidding here? Am I trying to make myself sob hysterically? Why do I feel the need to punish myself? Glutton for punishment, as always, I suppose.

Oh, and I dropped one of my classes. I woke up this morning with the realization that contrary to my own belief I am not Superwoman, and I cannot handle taking 17 hrs at school and working 40 in the meantime. So, I'm down to 14 now, which is what I was at last semester, and I managed to maintain a 3.5 GPA, so I'm feeling pretty positive about my decision. I really think I was putting too much pressure upon myself, and I've been paying the price through exhaustion, which I'm sure helped to compromise my immune system enough for me to become ill. For Pete's sake, I passed out Friday afternoon and slept for 18 hours! I would say I was tired, how about you?

Ok, enough already. I'm gonna go find some cheese to go with my "whine".

Friday, January 28, 2005

What a Dick!

First Prince Harry, and now this. Cheney looks bored out of his mind. Nice way to show some sympathy, Dick.

Jaysus. And people wonder why I didn't vote for his ticket.

Monday, January 24, 2005

I'm Too Tired To Be Clever

Well, I'm officially entering my second week of school, and so far, not so bad. However, instead of working on my "What Is Art?" paper for Intro to Art, I'm typing this entry as a means of avoidance. I also have a Spanish quiz in two days that I should probably study for, but most likely won't, since I rarely study for tests at all, yet still manage to "make the grade". Hey, if ain't broke, I'm not gonna fix it.

I had a minor mental meltdown (say that three times fast!!) this morning when I realized, "Holy FUCK!! I'm taking 17 fucking hours this semester!! What the fuck was I thinking?!!" Then, I took a deep breath, and calmed down. I realize that dropping a class will only put me behind in my goals, and really, none of my classes are hard. Last semester was a cake walk, and this one will be even easier, since there is NO MATH INVOLVED!!! I'll mostly be writing papers all semester (ahhhh, welcome to college), and I found that last semester I was actually good at writing bullshit. Guess it's a good thing that I'm an English major, huh?

I feel so fucking lazy, even more than usual. I just want to sleep all the time, and I think my depression is creeping back in. I have been thinking alot about IVF, and babies (24/7), and endo (especially when in pain), and the odds of me actually conceiving, and I find myself crying, withdrawing from others, sadly smiling at families around me. I guess I'm in a downer-funk mood right now. I can't always be chipper and happy, infertility has stolen that from me. It's robbed me of the ability to be 100% carefree the way I used to be. Yet, as much as I desperately want to carry life inside of me, I'm also scared shitless. I know this is a normal reaction, but it doesn't help me in rationalizing my innermost fears. I really think this whole thing is stemming from a combonation of my endo returning (it was dormant for almost 2 years), and the pressures of work and school added to the mix. Once I get past this rough patch, I'll be ok, I always am. Until then, I'll just have to wait for the sun to come out again...

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

So Much for Anonymity!!

This is Jake and I in June of 2002 at Jake's brother's wedding. It's one of my favorite pictures of us. Just thought you like to put a face with the name!

Monday, January 10, 2005

Conversations With God pt. 1 (Updated)

(Disclaimer: Yes, I'm an atheist, but I wasn't quite to grips with that yet when I wrote this. Besides, I think it's pretty funny!)

Me: So, God.

God: Yes, my child?

M: Jake was watching some really crap religious programming this morning....

G: Jake was doing what?! But he doesn't believe in me!

M: I know, but we know that he's secretly just agnostic, not athiest.

G: True. Anyway, you were saying...

M: Oh yeah. So, on this show, the preacher was saying that by sending his ministry money, I can get the devil out of my life. Doesn't that reek of Tony Soprano "protection money"? Besides, I didn't realize you had so much overhead that my measly ten percent was going to help that much.

G: Well, I have been eyeing that new Bentley, and Jesus could really use some spinners for the Navigator.

M: Ahhhh.....I see, sort of.

G: What? You didn't catch my episode of "Cribs"?

M: Afraid not, I don't watch much t.v. these days.

G: Well, let me tell you, pearly gates and streets of gold don't come cheap.

M: Oh, well, in that case, my bad God. My bad.

G: No problem. You're forgiven.

M: Hey, thanks! Mighty generous of you!

G: It's what I do.

M: Peace out, G-Homey.

G: Keep it real, foshizzle.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Things You Should Know About Me

1. I'm a Scorpio.

2. I'm vain. Which may come as a surprise to those who know me IRL because I'm very, very overweight (I don't like to use the other 'o' word in relation to my weight). Sure, I loathe my body, but I love my face. I have porcelain skin, big, blue eyes, and nice, symmetrical features. My hair has a nice thickness to it, but can be frizzy at times, and I generally do not like the dull reddish-brown color, hence my friendship with Ms. Clairol.

3. My mother drives me crazy (more on that in another post).

4. I can be very self-deprecating.

5. I have a very juvenile boy's sense of humor. Which makes me think Adam Sandler movies are hilarious.

6. After completing my BA in English Lit., I want to pursue a Masters in Library and Information Studies.

7. I'm a dork who'll do just about anything for a laugh.

8. I'm a hopeless romantic.

9. I cry too much.

10. Despite the "fuck off" attitude I sometimes have, it truly bothers me if someone doesn't like me, especially if it's someone I really like or admire.

11. I wear a size 44DD bra.

12. I'm a fairly good cook, just not with the fancy stuff, more along the lines of southern comfort food as a specialty.

13. I'm the laziest person you'll ever meet.

14. I have 2 dogs (Jack Russell mixes), Lady and Harry, whom we adopted from the Humane Society, and they are completely spoiled brats.

15. I think most people are cooler/smarter/prettier than me.

16. However, I feel so fucking cool when I drive my new car.

17. Blue is my favorite color, and I really love how the color brings out my eyes (see, told you I was vain!).

18. I've never been pregnant, but desperately want to be.

19. My husband can alternately be the most wonderful and most aggravating person in the world. I adore him.

20. I'm too bossy.

21. I hate my laugh.

22. I love my gregariousness.

23. Sometimes, I'm too cynical for my own good.

24. I'm a liberal, and proud of it!

25. Despite the pain infertility has brought me, I'm so grateful for the wonderful people it has enabled me to meet. I love you all, my dear cyber-friends!

Monday, January 03, 2005

Pass the Nyquil on the left hand side

Jaysus! Where in the HELL did this cold come from? I feel like walking, talking, not-breathing-so-well dogshit. Which really, isn't an attractive picture. On top of that, I have a bacterial infection in my hoo-hah, so I am in essence a cesspool of nastiness.

I started feeling bad on Saturday, which I attributed to a hangover, but by last night, when the racking cough started, I knew I was in for it. I woke up this morning, and nearly fell over from dizziness when I tried to sit up. You should've seen me stumbling around the street on the walk to my office, and when people in the parking garage were staring at me because I wanted to take the elevator one flight down rather than take the stairs, I felt like saying, "Hey asshole, I'm so dizzy and feverish right now, I'd fall over in a stupor if I attempted the stairs, and I'd take you down with me." Instead I just glared right back, daring them to say anything. I probably should've called in, but I figure it looks good to show up, and besides, it's these bastards at work that gave me this cold, so I'm just returning the favor.

Man, I can't wait to go home and dope up. Oh well, it just gives me further excuse to avoid cleaning the house and doing laundry. As if I really need one.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Debunking the Infertlilty Myths

12/19/2004 - 12:35

We bought a new car last week. A Scion TC, and let me tell you she's one sweet ride. We love that car. No, it's not the boxy one, it's this one. Anyway, it's a sports car, so of course now I'm hearing crap like, "You know, now that you've bought a sports car, you'll get pg, because carseats are so hard to get in and out of a sports car." WTF? What does that have to do with anything? My response is usually to give the person a blank stare and go on about whatever it was I was doing before being offered their assvice, but really in my head, what I would love to say is, "Wow! Are you serious?! I had no idea that my car has the magical power to cure my endometriosis and increase my husband's sperm counts! Holy Shit!! You mean to tell me that I wasted 5 years of payments on my other car (a 4 door), not to mention the surgeries both J and I endured, when all we needed to do was buy a sports car to cure our infertility? Boy, do I feel stupid. In fact, why do I even bother with my RE, because you obviously know so much more about my reproductive system than he does." Ahhhhh, if only I would say that.

The infertiles of this would are constantly barraged with such assvice by those who think they are the experts because they know someone, or know someone who knew someone, etc, etc, who ttc'd for years, but then they did XYZ, and viola, preganancy was achieved! Look people, there are such things in life as coincidence. It happens. This does not mean that all the infertile person had to do was relax, or adopt, or get a new car, or dance naked by the light of the full moon upon the advent of the summer soltice. Really, I promise you, it doesn't. When you have the letters MD, RE (and it's nice to have F.A.C.O.G as well) after your name, then maybe, just maybe I'd listen to you a little more. Until then, please keep your assvice, excuse me, advice to yourself. No matter how helpful you mean for it to be, it's only hurtful. Thanks, but no thanks.

YOU (ode to my love bunny)

12/13/2004 - 09:38


The One.

My Love, my life.

Your humorous side amuses me to no end. Laughter fills my days.

Brown eyes. Graying hair. Are those crow's feet? All are beautiful to me.

Ten years has flown by in the blink of an eye. Let's see what happens in ten more.

With you I AM ME. No walls, no barriers, no holding back. Just ME.

And for this you love me.

You find my outer facade beautiful, despite the extra padding that wasn't there before. You love all the parts I complain about, my biggest flaws.

You tell me I'm so smart. You believe in me, even when I doubt myself. Your confidence in me gives me the strength I need to make it through my toughest times.

I love the way you hold me. I feel so safe in your arms. We can take on the world, as long as we have each other.

Together we can make our dreams come true. But here's a secret: mine already has. You are the man I always dreamed of.

My love, my life.

The One.


Canada Anyone?

11/3/2004 - 12:30

I'm too fucking depressed today. I can't believe the fucking asshats of this country could actually, in all conciousness, choose that fucking monkey-boy to run this country!!
The rest of the world is groaning in misery, I'm wincing in agony, while contemplating renouncing my American citizenship, since now, the Constituion won't mean shit. We might as well roll it up and smoke it for all the good it'll do to have it around, since MB (monkey-boy) is pretty much against all freedoms.

Jesus, I really can't go's too fucking sad....

Back from my blog break...

11/1/2004 - 02:31

Ok, so really I have no excuse for being away for almost 2 weeks, other than I'm just a lazy bitch. See, I'm big enough to admit that about myself! Actually, I'm just big, period. Which is why I need to step away from the carbs and onto the stairmaster.

Anyway, so much has happened...

Let's see, something that happened that I didn't post about, but probably should've was about J's SA results. They were super shitty...I mean really bad...99% abnormal. Counts were less than 1 Mil/mL, and his morphology was at less than 22%. Oh yeah, shit indeed. But, as one of my good online buddies pointed out to me, if J was sick over the summer w/high fever or infection, it would affect the outcome of this SA. Ah HA!! Yes, he DID have flu in hopefully 6 months from now, when he has another one done, there will be some improvement.

We're still looking at having to do IVF/ISCI, there's pretty much no way around that, and I still have to lose 80 pounds before we can even think about treatment, not to mention we need money, and lots of it. So, back into the holding pattern we go.
At least we're talking more about ttc stuff. Actually, in general, J has been very nice, loving, etc....all the things I used to wish he'd be, especially w/the whole ttc thing. It's kinda freaking me out. I'm not used to super-sweet hubby, but *sigh* I guess I'll just have to acclimate myself, won't I? Poor wittle me...

I had a good birthday (10/26, for those of you keeping score), J even had flowers delivered to me at the office!! Lemme tell ya, it's pretty exciting considering this is the first time this has happened in the 9 1/2 years we've been together! Ok, so I'm easily amused, so what?
Still just work, work, work, school, home, work some more. I'm so boring. I'll try to think of something more exciting to say next time..

Guess that's it!! Oh, and don't forget to vote tomorrow!! Unless you're voting for Bush, then please, stay home and choke!! Ok, don't choke, that wasn't very nice of me...but definitely stay home!!

Why Infertility Sucks (as if I have to give a reason!)

10/5/2004 - 12:06

I'm not the most eloquent person in the world, and consider myself to be a mediocre writer, at best; so I love it when I can find others who can relay my feelings much more coherantly than I can.

Karen, and more recently, Tertia, convey the heartbreak of infertility much more beautifully than I ever could. I appreciate them for sharing their pain, because it helps me to know I'm not alone out there, and that (unfortunately) others share the same sense of heartbreak and loss as I do.

I've also found this link, and this one as well, to be very handy in how to deal with family and friends who are trying to be helpful, or just may not fully grasp the enormity infertility plays in our lives.

Check 'em out, pass 'em on...educate yourself. The infertile person in your life will thank you for it.

Average (by the numbers...)

10/5/2004 - 11:43

So, I was contemplating yesterday why exactly I am so exhausted. Here's what I've come up with so far:

168-numbers of hours in a week (minus)

40-number of hours spent at work (minus)

14-number of hours I am enrolled at school (minus)

50-hours I sleep in a week, if I'm lucky (minus)

2.5-hours I spend commuting in a week (minus)

5-hours I spend doing homework (minus)

10-hours/wk I watch TV (I lurve "Survivor") (minus)

23-hrs/wk I see/spend time w/hubby (equals)

18.5 hrs divided by 7 days = 2.6/hrs day I can spend to myself, which are actually used to do things like laundry, cleaning house, running errands, taking care of my dogs, etc....

Apparantly t.v watching is the only enjoyable thing I do. Sad, isn't it?


9/27/2004 - 11:16

I just realized that since I've invited others to read my blog (but no really close friends and family...I want to be able to talk about them behind their backs...hehe), perhaps I should give my new readers my backstory.

Here's the speil: I'm 27 (ok, well, I will be on Oct. 26-yay for Scorpios!), and have been ttc since March of 1999. I always wanted to be a young mother, but now, obviously, that isn't going to happen.

I had always suspected I had endometriosis because of my family history of the disease, and my extremely painful (and when I say extreme, I'm talking gimme some fucking morphene, please) menstral cycles.

After 6 months of trying, I went to my OB/GYN with my fears, and luckily for me, he didn't dismiss me based on my age (I was 21 at the time), and concurred with my belief that I had endo. I scheduled a laser laperoscopy to be performed on Jan. 7, 2000. My Dr. (whom I adored) found and removed the nasty stuff off of my ovaries, uterus, and intestines (I used to have really cool pictures, but they were lost...bummer). So, afterward I was told to go forth and breed!! Tra-la-la...endo is gone...I am fertile!!!! Then, my incision got an infection, which derailed me off the baby train for at least a month while I took antibiodics. No biggie, right? Tra-la-la...will get pregnant any day now!

That's about the time my marriage started to go down the shitter. We were having financial problems, and I felt so alone since I was 1500 miles away from my family and friends. I slipped into a deep depression...I'm talking suicidal here. I decided to move back home to get my head straight, and so I could decide whether or not I wanted to stay married to my husband. He stayed behind for 2 months while he finished out his contract at work, and we eventually worked through most of our problems during that time. When he arrived here, I thought surely, now that all the stress is gone, I'll get pregnant! Gah...I such a disgustingly naive chit to believe that nonsense!!

During this time, it never occured to us to get J tested....see what I mean by naive? His family is muy fertile, whereas mine is not, so we just kept thinking it was me. Ahhhhh....denial. What a blissful state! I still visit it from time to time, but the accomodations are shit, so I don't stay long. Finally, when J went to the urologist to see about a hernia, I mentioned how long we had been ttc, and the Dr. suggested we have him tested. Mind you, while I was (and am) grateful for what little health coverage I have, none the less, my skimpy policy does not cover anything relating to fertility, so the SA would be out of pocket. Two SA's later, we had our answer....2 mil total count, 20% motility, and crap morphology...I'm talking 2 headed-chasing-our-own-tails kinda sperm. I was devistated, and as if my husband wasn't already feeling less of a man, I further emasculated him by breaking out into huge, racking sobs. All I could think about was me; how could I have a baby now? Then I snapped out of it and realized that I wanted our child, which invoves 2 people, not one. The Dr. told us he suspected J had a vericocile, and upon examination was able to confirm this diagnosis. So, we went ahead and scheduled a hernia repair, vericocilectomy, and a testicular biopsy for July 30, 2001 (poor baby's balls were sore for a week). Now, we thought, as we breathed a sigh of relief, now we would be able to get pregnant. I was fixed, he was fixed, life is good right? Nope, wrong again. 2 SA's almost a year apart ('01/'02) show very little improvement. Now J has 5 mil count, but his motility and morph are still super crappy. So, we've been told that without IVF w/ISCI there is no hope for us to conceive. Back to sqare one.

Which brings me to today. Here I am, with no coverage for infertility, no savings, no home to mortgage, no way to get funds. (I was a stupid, young, chit that screwed up our credit....excuse me while I kick my own ass) I finally realized that being a SAHM was out of the question for the moment, so I finally got off my ass and enrolled in school this fall. And you know what? I LOVE it!! I'm finally doing something for me that doesn't involve IF, and I'm working towards a career I've always wanted (I'm going to be a librarian). Hopefully when J and I finish our degree programs, we'll have the money (from our jobs) and/or insurance to pay for ART out-of-pocket. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

My first blog entry!!

Originally posted 9/23/04:

So, here I am....blogging away just like my hero's (Julie, Grrl, et al). Of course, I am no where near as clever nor grammically correct as they are, but I shall try to be. I've been mulling over starting a blog for some time now, not only to score some "cool points", but because I need a space outside my norm where I can express myself. Somewhere I can go just to vent.
Today I finally decided to do it because I'm really having a downer of a day. I was thinking of my Memaw ( my mom's mom-yes I'm a hick), and how that now my brother and SIL are going to have their 2nd child, I am the only one out of my brother and cousins who does not have one, let alone two children. I would really love for my grandmother to see my child, but that may never happen. Then, my mother calls me at lunch today to let me know that a friend's daughter is looking for a couple to adopt her baby.

Well, as cool as that would be, there's several problems with that scenario. One, my husband doesn't want to adopt, he wants us to do ART first. Two, I just became a full time student in addition to working full time and keeping a house. So physically, mentally, and financially I'm exhausted and broke; I certainly can't add a newborn to the mix right now, that's not fair to me or the child. Lastly, adoption is not where my heart is at right now. I think it's a beautiful thing, and maybe someday this will be our path to parenthood, but not right now. That baby would just be band-aid over my wounded heart; it would be a "substitute" for what I'm really striving for-a pregnancy of my own. It's like craving chocolate, but you can't have any, so you eat some popcorn instead. Sure, the popcorn is great, but you still really want the chocolate.

I'm sure there are parents out there who have adopted that may think I'm selfish, but that's their opinion. Adoption was the right thing for them; it was what was in their hearts. Most couples who adopt speak of how right it felt when they made that decision to welcome a child into their heart that wasn't biologically theirs. I don't feel that click in my mind or heart that says "this is what you are meant to do". I can't turn off this desire to grow a life inside of me, to feel it grow and move, and to even go through painful labor to give my child life. I want to see the features of my husband and I reflected on the face of our offspring. I want to pass down my bloodlines.

Any decision that an infertile couple makes is theirs alone. They don't make these decisions lightly; there's alot of thought, hope, grief, and tears put into these choices, and it's not for you or I to bash or demean any path a person takes to parenthood. So please, if you comment, be kind. I respect your decison, please respect mine....

New Year, New Blog

Happy New Year!

I hope you're all recovering nicely from your hangovers today, and are looking forward to a much better year than 2004 was, unless that year treated you quite well.

Anyway, my point of this is, one of my new additions to '05 is my new blog space. I used to be over at IM Squared, which is a nice blog place, but doesn't allow for comments. This is a major bummer because I adore feedback, and was looking forward to my first troll (just kidding). I happened upon this site through a fan of my other blog, which I didn't even know I had until she emailed me (hi, Irish Gem!) about her own blog. So now, here I am!! Comments and all!

I'll copy all the posts from my other blog, so that you can play catch up if you're new, and then I'll start with whatever new drama arises.

Until then, drink plenty of water, take 2 ibuprofin, and call me in the morning!