Firsts

You never forget your firsts:

Your first kiss

Your first time (especially if you're a girl)

Your first boyfriend/girlfriend

Your first car

Your first heart break

Your first.....

SPEEDING TICKET.

That's right. "The Man" got me today. 13 years of ticket and accident-free driving GONE. At least the cop was nice enough to drop it down to only 10 mph over, so that it doesn't go on my record and penalize me with insurance and points on my license. Now, I have to come up with $161 at the same time I have to pay $214 on my state taxes. Guess I better get to selling my e*Bay stuff!

*Sigh*

All good things must come to an end, right?

When was your first ticket? Or, do you still have a clean record?

Sunshine's Peeking Through

I just wanted to thank all of you who sent me well wishes, and I wanted to let you know that I am doing a lot better. One of my biggest problems is my lack of patience. I'm an "instant gratification" kind of girl, and when I really, really, really want something, I can't stand waiting for it. The longer I'm forced to wait, the more frustrated I get.

I know that by taking the time to get our finances in order before adopting means that we'll not only be able to afford a better house to bring our child home to, but also the adoption costs won't be such a burden to bear.

It's just so hard emotionally when you're ready to be a parent and there's all these obstacles in your way. I think a lot of my "panic" also has to do with the fact that I will be 30 this year, and I really never thought it would take me this long to become a mother. Not that 30 is old, but seeing as how I started TTC when I was 21, it does feel like forever.

Like I said, I always bounce back, and the spring-like weather we've been having has been a real pick-me-up. It's hard to feel down when the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you feel a warm breeze upon your skin.

Once again, thank you so much for all of your love and support. It truly means the world to me.

Dark Clouds Rolling In

My old nemesis, Depression, is knocking on my door. I never care for its visits-draining me of energy, happiness, and any joy I may have in life. This month has been really hard. To have my hopes dashed for the millionth time has set off a chain reaction that I cannot seem to stop. I think the largest part of my pain lies in the fact that everyone I know is moving ahead with their parental goals or plans, and as always, I'm left behind. Either my friends are pregnant (most unexpectedly), "paper" pregnant (in the process of adoption), or have already adopted. All I have is the desire to be a parent. I am so, so, SO very happy for all of my friends, yet after 8 years of this shit, I'm ready to move on and join them.

We can't conceive a child, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to pursue ART anymore, yet I cannot start any of the adoption proceedings that I so desperately wish I could. We are in no way prepared to even start a home study-our home is too small, and we're thinking of downsizing to a one bedroom apartment for awhile just to save money to pay off our debts.

Debt-yet another reason that our adoption proceedings are delayed. I know, it's our (well, mostly my) fault for letting spending get out of control. Until our debts are paid down, we cannot buy a house, or pay an agency to pursue an adoption. I'm so sick of staying in this holding pattern-it's repetitive, boring, and most of all frustrating. I'm almost 30, and yet I don't feel like an adult. Most of the milestones that define adulthood: college graduate, homeowner, parent, I have yet to reach.

I guess I'm just sad, frustrated, and burned out to some degree. I know only I can change my circumstances, and my outlook, but I guess I just have to wallow in it for a day or so. I'll be OK, I always am, eventually.

Something's Missing At The End Of This Sentence

....and it's the same thing that's been missing for almost 3 weeks

If it doesn't make an appearance soon, I'll be forced to invite FRED over

I don't like FRED, because FRED never has any "positive" news for me

After 8 years, you'd think I'd be used to that by now, but I'm not

All this does is up my Hope Meter, and we all know what a dissapointment that can be

The daydreams get stronger the longer this thing stays away

The a.m. nausea (twice now) doesn't help, either

Other than that, there's no evidence of anything at all, one way or another

(Sigh) Well, like I keep telling myself, even if something does finally show up, it's not a big deal, because someday I'll have something to hold in my arms, even if it's not made from me

Fears

In the time before you adopted/gave birth to your child(ren) did you ever find yourself afraid that you would regret giving up your "alone" time with yourself or your spouse?

This is something I've been worried about lately. It's mostly stemmed from the relief I feel when my time babysitting my little sisters or my niece and nephew are up. I enjoy being with them, but it's exhausting, and I'm glad when I can retreat home. Yet, I still have the longing in my heart to have a child of my own. I see children out in public and wonder what my child will look or act like; so you see how this could cause a conflict. I also enjoy the time Jake and I get to spend together, especially now that he's home on weekends. Just snuggling in bed, watching t.v., brings me the greatest satisfaction imaginable. And after 11 years alone together, are we fully prepared to have a third person in our little family?

How do you find that balance? How do you make time for yourself, your spouse, and your children? I'm sure what I have are "pre-adoption jitters", because I have a stupid idea in my head that I have to be the most perfect parent imaginable, and various worries like this one keep playing in my head. I'm a chronic worrier about *everything*, so I'm sure this is just another thing I've blown out of proportion in my head. However, I would really like the perspective out there of anyone else who may have experienced or are experiencing something similar. I have to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. Please, anyone?

I Hate My Ute

Last night, while typing up my "Borat" post, I could feel the first stirrings of cramps. No big deal, it's about that time of month, I thought. Well, within 5 minutes, I was lying on my bathroom floor racked with the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life.

I was screaming, crying, and begging to die. I'm being serious, it was that horrible. It felt like I was being clawed apart from the inside, and I would have done anything to make it stop. I couldn't move, and my tears were making it difficult to breathe. My poor husband just sat in the floor next to me, helpless, unable to help his wife. I managed to choke down a Loritab I had leftover in the cabinet, and counted down (when I wasn't fighting to stay conscious) the time until it kicked in. After an hour of mind-numbingly excruciating torture, the pain subsided long enough for me to crawl to bed. I knew going to the ER wouldn't do anything for me, they'd just give me painkillers and send me on my way-not worth the pain to get out of the house for, not to mention the hospital bill.

So today, still in a manageable amount of pain, I made my way to the Doctor. A lot of good that did me. All I got was a dildo-wand stuck up my bits to be told there was fluid behind my uterus, which could either be from a ruptured cyst (though he could find no evidence of one on my ovaries) or from my endo. Gee, hmmm...YOU THINK?!?!?! I've only been to 4 doctors in the past 5 years for this shit!! No one can seem to help me. Birth control doesn't work past the first month or two, and only succeeds in making me act like a crazy woman. This doctor (a specialist, might I add) won't do a laperoscopy on me until I lose at least 20 lbs., because he's afraid of something happening during surgery. I suppose I can thank the litigious public for that one. All doctors are afraid of actually treating their patients, for fear of being sued. So much for the Hippocratic oath, huh?

Anyway, I was left to drive home in tears, where I subsequently popped another Loritab, along with a Xanax, and crawled back to bed, and into oblivion for the next 8 hours. Hopefully, I can get some sleep tonight, I have be up earlier than usual to hit the polls when they open tomorrow.

So, sorry for not having my usual "Weekly feature" posts up, I'll take care of those tomorrow.

I Have No Lid Upon My Head, But If I Did...

...you could look inside and see what's on my mind (Let You Down-Dave Matthews Band).

And what's on my mind is, of course, adoption.

I never realized how confusing and overwhelming just the decision making process would be! Domestic vs. International vs. Foster/Adopt. Infant or toddler? Singleton or sibling group? Which country? What about the Hague convention? Costs? Documentation?

All of these thoughts are racing willy-nilly through my head, spinning out of control. All that I do know for sure is that I'm ready to bring a child home and be a mom. It's the process of getting there that's hard. Not that I thought it would be easy, mind you. I just didn't think I would have such a hard time making the proper decisions. Which, honestly, is stupid considering this is, quite frankly, the BIGGEST decision I'll ever make in my life!

I've tried joining a few adoption groups on Yahoo, but they've really not been much help, especially considering how early I am in the process. Plus, there's the added burden of costs. We don't own a home that we could take out an equity loan on, and although there is the adoption tax credit, you still have to pony up the money yourself before you can even take the credit-money we don't have right now. I've looked into information about adoption fundrasiers, but a part of me is reluctant to participate. I can't even put a finger on why, especially since I pony up money all of the time for fundraisers for charity or for my co-worker's kids' school. I'm all about helping my fellow man, I just get all squicky when it comes to asking for help for myself. I suppose that comes from my independent nature. Plus, I feel like I have to "prove" something to myself and others by going it alone-I always have. Perhaps it's because I was raised by a mother who has always been co-dependent and relied heavily on the system to help her provide for her children (thanks to my drunk-ass father who never felt the need to support his family-but enough about my "daddy" issues), or just some part of my personality that always makes me reluctant to ask for help. I've been on my own since I was 17, and have tried my damnedest not to rely on others (besides Jake, for obvious reasons) to make it through life. I don't think it is necessarily a bad trait to have, in fact, I hope my children are just as independent in nature as Jake and I are.

Anyway, back to my dilemma. Obviously I'm sending up many wishes for Jake to secure a better paying job; one that would allow us to buy a home and afford the costs associated with adoption, but every day that passes by, the more impatient I become (patience is not one of my virtues), but here is what I do know so far:

1. I really, really, really, really, want to adopt an infant or baby. But really, an infant. I know to some this may seem selfish, but I look at it this way: even though I cannot birth my children, I still want to be there for as many moments as possible after said birth. I would also love to name my own child, have a nursery, baby shower, etc.-all the things birth parents get to do. I don't have a problem with toddlers or small children either, because I love kids, but at least for my first child, I'd love to have a baby, just to experience all the "firsts" for myself. Which, pretty much leaves domestic infant or Guatemala for my adoption choices. There is a chance I could get an infant through the foster/adopt program, but it's not likely.

2. For international, I really love the idea of Guatemala or Russia, however, I'm really scared by what I'm reading in regards to the Hague Convention. Is this going to make international adoption more expensive? Or, will I not be able to adopt from those countries at all? Anyone?

3. I'm scared, people. Scared shitless. Scared that if we go domestic or foster/adopt that the birthparents will change their minds, or be able to get their child(ren) back. The idea of losing a child that I thought would be mine forever is the most frightening aspect of adopting. The fear of loss is also what kept me up at night in regards to IVF-the "what ifs" about miscarriage, bad embryos, implantation issues,etc, after going through all of those medical procedures that cost as much as adoption, is really part of what turned me off from IVF. While I know adoption is never easy, and that there is a chance of a failed placement, the odds of me actually coming home with a child are greater than those of IVF. Of course, the whole idea of birthparents not being around to change their minds is what appeals to me with international. It's not that I'm anti-birthparent, I'm just anti-having-my-heart-and-bank-account-broken-by-a-failed-placement.

4. If we end up going the domestic infant route, I know there is the question regarding open adoption. I feel that I would only be comfortable with sending letters and photos to the b-parents through a facilitator. I would also be open to receiving letters from the b-parents for my child to have when we all feel the time is right. I know myself (and Jake) well enough to know that we're not at all able to embrace 100% open adoption. However, I realize what a wonderful gift my child would be, what a tremendous sacrifice this is for the b-parents, and how someday, my child will be curious about their background; so I feel I could not deny my child and his/her birthparents the opportunity to know something about each other.

Do you see why I'm so confused?

For all of my friends out there in the blogosphere and internet who have adopted, how did you make these decisions? Why did you choose your particular path to adoption? If you're comfortable with sharing the info, how did/are you affording the costs involved? Please, share anything you can think of; I'm desperate here!

Thanks in advance!

Don't You Forget About Me

I'm super busy right now between the two jobs and home life, but I'll be back as soon as possible!

Bummed *Updated*

I was hoping to post some great news today, but alas, such news did not arrive.

Hubby interviewed last week for a job with **** (major computer company that is now recalling their laptop batteries), and for once, his shy-prone self gave "good interview" and he really felt positive that he would be hired. However, today's deadline for "hearing something" has now come and gone, and nada.

What really sucks is that if he would've been hired, we could've lived off his salary (which would've been more than both of our currently combined incomes) and I could've paid down enormous sums of debt with mine.

I know the longer his job search takes, the more depressed he gets, not to mention the financial strain on us and our relationship. It's very demeaning to him as a man, to be the age he is (31), and not be further along in his career prospects. I know alot of it has to do with our moving back here 6 years ago, especially considering that Oklahoma is definitely not known to be a place where one can easily secure an IT position. However, I really, really, couldn't stay in D.C. another day when I left, and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and/or suicide when I made the decision to leave. Now, I feel guilty that I've screwed us for life.

As much as I love being near my family and friends here in OK, I feel that a move for us inevitable, perhaps even back to D.C. It's come to a point where I'm gonna have to suck it up and go wherever he can land a good-paying job, just so that we can move ahead with our lives.

Sigh. This sucks.

****UPDATED TO ADD****:

Yeah, apparantly my husband, aka he-who-never-checks-his-freakin'-email, missed a "rejection email" from **** that was sent LAST FRIDAY-2 days AFTER he interviewed. Way to go, honey!

So, I guess the search continues!! In the meantime, he's been promoted at one of his 2 jobs to Shift Manager, but it's not much more money, however every bit helps, I suppose. I'm also interviewing for a part-time job on Monday to be a part of a crew cleaning a school from 6-9 pm M-F. My BF, Aimee, and I are going to do this together for a few months to make some extra money--she to pay off debt before she gives birth in March, and me to pay off debt before I have to start paying back my student loans in November. Hopefully this will work out for the best.

Guess I'm Not Alone After All

I just read Julia's post and comments from yesterday, and honestly it's made me feel a lot better about my own situation. It's so easy to forget that I'm not alone out here in the world with my infertility/family planning issues. We're not the only couple affected by endo and male factor. Nor are we the only infertile couple out there who cannot currently afford treatment or adoption. And we certainly aren't the only couple who can't decide/agree upon on which way is best to build our family.

When you're in that place of frustration, depression, fear, and anger, it's so easy to think you ARE the only one. If it weren't for the "internets", I don't know where I'd be today. Just to know that others are going through the same thing, and understand your pain, even if you don't know each other personally-is so empowering, and gives you some hope in this place of darkness.

Brief Explanations

Not to go into too much detail, as I don't like to hash or bash about my marriage or my husband. However, needless to say, we are at a place in our lives where we're having to do some serious re-evaluating of our lives, including the state of our marriage.

This is not to say that we don't love each other, we do-very much and very deeply. However, there are certain things in my life that I am not willing to compromise upon. If I made these compromises or sacrifices, it would only lead to heartache and bitterness for myself and towards my husband, which would dissolve our marriage anyway.

Alot of this is related to our infertility struggles, and our path to parenthood. We are trying to have an open dialog and understand where the other is coming from, but these conversations are never easy, and are frought with strong emotions. And of course, any path to parenthood we choose is financially burdensome to us at this time, when we already have enough debt to deal with-yet, we are getting older, and getting tired of the wait.

So, between the money and baby issues, there is alot of discussions going on in Casa de Libral Loco. I feel as long as we are talking that there's still a chance for us, and it's a chance I have to take.

I'll be ok, and I appreciate all the love and sentiment I'm receiving from you, my friends. It means the world to me.

Why Is It...

Everyone else's life is coming together, just as mine is slowly falling apart?

Just My Luck

As always, my life wouldn't be mine if I didn't have some sort of drama occurring at all times.

The latest: my best friend is (very) unexpectedly pregnant. Unexpected, not only because she was using a condom, but because in her previous long-term relationship, she did not use condoms, nor birth control, yet never became pregnant (by a man who already had 2 children). So, once again, everyone else but me can breed.

I will admit, I did cry a small bit the day before we confirmed the pregnancy (with a FRED in a Wal-Mart bathroom of all things), because of course, again, it's not me who is pregnant. However, these were not the huge, racking sobs of yesteryear, just a quiet stream running down my face for about 10 minutes. Then, I was over it. And now? I'm very excited. My friend is really involving me, to the point of asking that I be in the delivery room with her. She is also extremely understanding and knows that a part of me is hurting. I *heart* her.

I'm blessed to have such great friends. All of our friends who have found out, have asked her how I'm doing, because they all know about my infertility struggles. The fact that they care, and understand, means a lot to me.

So, I guess I am doing better. Used to be, I would've been devastated by this news, and extremely jealous. Now, I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of a little one to spoil. Big, HUGE, improvement.

In other news, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Doing the same things, day after day, year after year. Nothing changes. Not my job, my activities, nothing. Yet, everyone else seems to have major changes happening in their lives. Jake and I are not making any strides towards improving ourselves. Well, except for his graduation from our 2 yr college. However, he has yet to be offered a job, despite putting out his resume and going on 2 interviews. But, it is partly his fault. He's not networking and putting his resume out there the way he should be. I've already informed him that I cannot be 31, married for 10 years, and not own a house, or be on my way to having a family. He has agreed that it is time for a change, so now he has 2 years to get the ball rolling (that's when I'll be 31 and married for 10 yrs) or else. What that "or else" is, I haven't figured out, but I'm sure it involves a swift kick in the arse from me to him.

I'm sure you are asking yourself: well, what the fuck is her problem? Why can't she get off her ass and do something? Quite frankly, I am. I work full-time, and my salary pays the largest majority of our bills. Also, I've tried going to school, and have completed 3 semesters, but right now my work schedule prohibits me from taking the classes I need to advance in school. I tried it last semester, and ended up having to drop out, because it wasn't working. So, until Jake has a better paying job, allowing me to drop my working hours to part-time, school is on the back burner for me. Also, without a larger salary from Jake, there is no way we can afford IVF or adoption, so that too, is a problem.

Anyway, just wanted to update on what's going on in my life. I'll now return to the videos and political ranting posts.