Monday, January 24, 2005

I'm Too Tired To Be Clever

Well, I'm officially entering my second week of school, and so far, not so bad. However, instead of working on my "What Is Art?" paper for Intro to Art, I'm typing this entry as a means of avoidance. I also have a Spanish quiz in two days that I should probably study for, but most likely won't, since I rarely study for tests at all, yet still manage to "make the grade". Hey, if ain't broke, I'm not gonna fix it.

I had a minor mental meltdown (say that three times fast!!) this morning when I realized, "Holy FUCK!! I'm taking 17 fucking hours this semester!! What the fuck was I thinking?!!" Then, I took a deep breath, and calmed down. I realize that dropping a class will only put me behind in my goals, and really, none of my classes are hard. Last semester was a cake walk, and this one will be even easier, since there is NO MATH INVOLVED!!! I'll mostly be writing papers all semester (ahhhh, welcome to college), and I found that last semester I was actually good at writing bullshit. Guess it's a good thing that I'm an English major, huh?

I feel so fucking lazy, even more than usual. I just want to sleep all the time, and I think my depression is creeping back in. I have been thinking alot about IVF, and babies (24/7), and endo (especially when in pain), and the odds of me actually conceiving, and I find myself crying, withdrawing from others, sadly smiling at families around me. I guess I'm in a downer-funk mood right now. I can't always be chipper and happy, infertility has stolen that from me. It's robbed me of the ability to be 100% carefree the way I used to be. Yet, as much as I desperately want to carry life inside of me, I'm also scared shitless. I know this is a normal reaction, but it doesn't help me in rationalizing my innermost fears. I really think this whole thing is stemming from a combonation of my endo returning (it was dormant for almost 2 years), and the pressures of work and school added to the mix. Once I get past this rough patch, I'll be ok, I always am. Until then, I'll just have to wait for the sun to come out again...

1 comment:

Sara said...

Hope things get better for you soon! Good luck with all the classes . . .I so know what you are going through. I finish my Masters in May and I am getting SOOOOOOO excited. (Then I will most likely be bored and end up taking more classes. Isn't that always the way it is?)