Ties That Bind

If you've read me long enough you'll know that my best friend, Aimee, is having a baby boy in March. His name will be Isaiah.

What you don't know is that I am Aimee's birth coach/partner. For the first time, I'll get to be in the delivery room when new life is brought forth. I'll see Isaiah take his first breath, and hear his cry. Of course, the father will also be there, but because he attends school during the day and works full time at night, he couldn't attend the pre-natal and birthing classes, and that's where I come in.

We've only had 2 classes so far, but they have been extremely enlightening. I've learned a lot about pre-natal nutrition and development. I've also come to another startling realization-even though I cannot see him, and can only feel his movements externally, I'm already in love with this baby. By investing so much of my time in learning about his growth and development, by being the first person (besides his mother) to view and hear his heartbeat, by witnessing the changes he's bringing to his mother's body, by helping to prepare his nursery and layette, I'm forming an external bond in my heart with this child who shares no familial ties to myself. I cannot wait to hold him, kiss him, care for him, alongside his parents.

Another positive realization is: I can participate in the pregnancy and not feel envy or sorrow. I'm excited, not sad. There was a time, not too long ago when this would not have been possible. My emotional growth and well being are another sign of how ready and accepting I am of adoption. These classes are also educating me about the changes that will happen to my child's birth mother, and reinforces to me how much of a sacrifice placing her child with me really is. I can only hope that I honor my birthmother with the appropriate level of love and respect she truly deserves.

In the meantime, I have little Isaiah to keep me occupied, and I can't wait to meet this newest member of my "family of choice".

How I Spent My Saturday

Taking photos in the park of my sisters, nephew and BFF, Aimee:

Trinity

Stacia

Cassidy

Caleb

Aimee

Te Amo Mi Familia

For "Love Thursday":

(Top Row: Jake & I; my sisters Cassidy and Stacia with my nephew Caleb; my dad Chris; 2nd Row: my niece Leah, my brother DJ, my SIL's sister Meggie (who's like a little sis to me), my mom Naomi; 3rd Row: my nephew Caleb, my sister Trinity, my SIL Audrey, my sister Stacia, and my sister Cassidy)

Like many of you, I'll be spending this Thanksgiving with my loved ones, stuffing my face full of delicious home cooking, and feeling ever grateful that I'm able to do so. My family can be at times irritating, as all families are, but I wouldn't trade them and their unconditional love of me for anything. Let's all enjoy and appreciate this holiday season with our loved ones, and remember those who are unable to do the same.

Happy Love Thursday and Thanksgiving!!

(PS: I also love pumpkin pie with french vanilla Cool Whip, just had to throw that one in there.)

Eh...

Since I really don't have anything to blog about today, allow me to distract you with this absurdly cute photo of my niece when she was 4 months old:




Is it working?

Sad News

My Grandmother passed away today from cancer. Unfortunately, she was in alot of pain, so her passing was not a peaceful one. Your kind thoughts for my Grandfather and my family are appreciated during this time.

Thank you.

I *Heart* My Sister-In-Law

Always the eloquent writer, my sister-in-law left this comment on my "Fears" post:

Your fears are understandable as a potential adoptive mother but they are not unlike the fears experienced by a biological mother. Becoming a mother IS a scary thing despite all the wonderful outcomes. The reality is that NO, you and Jake will not ever spend the same kind of 'alone' time as you do now. Once you have a child it will forever be different. You will become a unit of three, a tightly knit bond, and something automatically turns on in your heart and soul that makes you a mother above anything else. Even when you are away from your child, enjoying that precious alone time with your spouse that you will so greatly miss, you will both find yourselves wondering about what the little one might be doing at that moment. But don't forget that all those things you love doing with Jake - sleeping in late, snuggling in bed and watching silly cartoons on Saturday mornings, going to live events, movies, and just 'hanging out' - your child will do all of those things with you and it will become a normal part of life. There is no turning back from motherhood; every mother will become a mother for life, no matter what the circumstances. It's inborn, it's instinctual. Adoption is only one of the many, many different ways to build a family. Several of my cousins were adopted by my aunts and uncles and that is not even a consideration among us. It's like saying someone is Caucasian or female. The fact that a person is 'adopted' is only one dimension to the lifelong evolution of a person's unique personality and character. A family unit is bonded from the beginning, and your own journey into motherhood will be wonderful, frightening, exhilirating, mystifying, exhausting, intriguing, and ultimately satisfying. No mother escapes from those pesky feelings of guilt, the feeling that you are being judged by anyone and everyone, watching your every move and comparing it to other mothers, better mothers than you. You will look at other mothers in a completely different way; you will find yourself comparing your mothering skills and questioning your own decisions. Though you'd rather not admit it, you will always wonder if you're doing the 'right' thing, and if you're a 'good' mother. It may be a common fear especially among potential adoptive mothers because they may feel that they are being held to an even higher standard than biological mothers. I would like to say that it's a myth, but those feelings are understandable from mothers who have often already encountered disappointing, difficult, or scary situations that may or may not have led them to adoption. You will feel good about yourself when you laugh with other mothers. You will appreciate good examples of motherhood around you. You will be tired and grumpy and feel like no one really understands what it's like to have a 2-year-old tugging on your shirt and whining all day for no reason. You and Jake will celebrate every little moment of your child's life, and you will suffer when your child is in pain. Forever. And yes, you will miss the good old alone time. But it will become a pleasant memory, a story you can tell your child over and over again. "Before you were born, Mommy and Daddy..." And you will never once regret taking that leap of faith, that most feared and reveared journey into motherhood.

She always knows how to make me feel better, and I view her more as a blood sister, than one by marriage. I love you, A.B.W.!!!!

AFK

Sorry, I was "away from keyboard" all day. I had to watch my sisters literally ALL DAY LONG while my parents went out of town for a required adoption seminar to complete their training for the state requirements. Afterwards, hubby, Aimee, SIL and I all went to see "Borat", but more on that later, I'm exhausted!!

Family Is...

...more than blood ties, thicker than blood and water. My family is a blended one, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have a stepfather who I consider to be my "Dad", 3 little sisters whom my parents adopted from foster care, In-Laws, a nephew, a niece, and various other relatives that make up my tree. I have learned the true meaning of LOVE and FAMILY through their examples and through everyday living. Now that my husband and I have made the decision to adopt, I couldn't be happier that my child will be welcomed with loving arms into this crazy, mixed-up family of mine!


This is a photo of my nephew and one of my little sisters, taken last year by my mom. It clearly shows the love they have for each other. They are over a year apart, but are the best of friends. They are more like brother and sister, rather than Aunt and nephew. Sometimes they fight, but there are more moments like these in a given day. I'm thankful every day for my family, and hope you all take the time today to appreciate yours. Happy Love Thursday, everyone!!

Brothers and Sisters

(For "Love Thursday")

This handsome devil with the big smile is my little brother, D.J. He's 3 years younger than I, and the only brother I have. Being a typical little brother, he hasn't always been the easiest person to get along with, especially when he was aggravating me, just to make himself laugh (which he still does!). However, he and I always knew we could count on each other, no matter what, when the chips were down and the times were tough.

D.J. and I didn't have the easiest childhood, and we heard and saw many things that children should not. Many times throughout his life, I was not only his sister, but his surrogate mother as well. This dual role only served to solidify our bond.

My brother is a wonderful husband and loving father to his two beautiful children, my nephew Caleb, and my niece Leah. Those kids are his whole world, and they are both "Daddy's Babies".

Watching my brother grow up and seeing what a wonderful man he's become makes me so proud of him. I know things aren't always easy-he works long hours to provide for his family while is wife is in school full time-but he somehow always manages to come out of it with a smile. Family is so important to D.J., and he makes sure he's there not only for me, but for our parents, and now for our new sisters as well. He's a fantastic role-model, and is definitely the kind of man his son can look up for inspiration and guidance. I don't get a chance to see him as often as I'd like, but we try to make the times we are together that much more meaningful.

Friday is D.J.'s 26th birthday, and for "Love Thursday", I just wanted the world to know just how much I love my brother. Happy Birthday, baby brother!! I hope we have a lifetime more to celebrate together!

Love, Sis

"brothers and sisters, unite

it's the time of your life

it's the time of your life

break down, break down

gotta spread love around

gotta spread it all round"

"Brothers and Sisters" by Coldplay

Did I Forget To Mention..

....that Jake got a new job? Oh, sorry about that!

Yes, indeed-y; he was hired by **** (Big Computer Company), after interviewing for 3 different positions. I guess they really wanted him, because they kept calling him for interviews. It's not the position he originally wanted, but his foot's in the door, and he hopes to move up quickly, especially since he's over-qualified for his current position. His first day was yesterday, and it's nice to have him home with me in the evenings and on weekends.

FINALLY, after all these years, we can be together like a normal couple! Wow! I actually get to sleep next to my husband at night? Who'd thunk it?

So, we're hoping that the increase in salary will allow us to pay down debt, build some savings, and then we can buy a house. THEN, it's on to ADOPTION!!! Huzzah! (Does anyone actually use that phrase anymore? Besides the British Navy? I read too many historical novels, obviously.) Things are looking up, and I couldn't be happier!

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

I had my first adoption dream last night. It was brief, but wonderful.

I dreamt that we had adopted a bi-racial (Hispanic/CA) little girl as an infant, and my dream was taking place when she was 20 months old. I remember trying to wipe some chocolate off her face, and when I told her it was time for a bath, she said "No, Mama! No bath!" I just laughed and told her "Too bad, baby. You're getting one anyway."

I suppose somehow in my dream I knew that Jake and I were supposed to go away for a weekend-our first since our daughter's arrival into our lives. We were going to leave her with my mother, but as I was drying my daughter off, Jake came in the bathroom and said, "I don't think I can leave her." I looked at him, then our daughter and said, "I don't think I can, either."

It left me feeling so full of love and happiness. Just the idea of my child is enough to warm my heart. Our child is most likely not even conceived yet, however, s/he is alive and well within me-my mind and heart. I see children, and now, where there used to be bitterness that they weren't mine, there is now hope and joy, and the wonder whether my child will resemble them.

Just to feel positive, and yes, even alive again, is a feeling I wouldn't trade for the world. The only thing better than this will be when I'm holding my child in my arms for the first time.

5 Years Ago (A Memory)

This is so hard to type without tearing up-the memories of that day are as fresh in my mind as if it were yesterday, and not 5 years ago.

On that beautiful morning, I was awoken by the sound of the phone ringing. Stumbling into the living room of our 1 bedroom apartment, I picked up the phone to hear my mother sobbing hysterically on the other end. Thinking something had happened to one of my grandparents, I asked what was wrong. I remember her choking out that planes had hit the World Trade Centers.....and the Pentagon. Terrorists were attacking America.

My heart dropped to my stomach. My husband's father and brother both worked in the Pentagon.

A low wail and the sounds of me screaming "NO! NO! Dear God NO!!" summoned Jake to my side. Knowing that there was no way I relate this life-altering information to my husband, I numbly handed the phone to him so that my mother could be the one to tell him that his father and brother could very well be injured or dead. I immediately clicked on the t.v., and the images of the Towers, with smoke pouring out of them will haunt me forever. (I still cannot view those images without bursting into tears.)

The full enormity of the situation was just starting to sink in, and we frantically tried to call his family, but all the lines were tied up. We sat and watched and waited to hear the news, all the while desperately watching for any view of the Pentagon where we could see where the planes had hit, because Jake knew where his father's office was located. I was pretty convinced that the side that was hit was not where his dad's office was, but that still was not reassuring. Especially since his brother (and friends he'd made while working there) could be anywhere on a tech call.

For over five hours we waited, still trying to get through on the line when, finally, after dialing for the millionth time, the phone rang and Jake's stepmother answered to give us the news we'd been waiting to hear: they were both ok. To say that we were elated does not even begin to describe what we felt that day.

Despite the horror of watching the Towers fall, and knowing how many people would lose their lives that day, we were overjoyed knowing that the loss would not be ours to bear. Our thoughts turned to our friends in DC and NY, thankfully, as we later found out, all of whom were ok as well. I know we are extraordinarily lucky-knowing as many people in those locations, and none of whom were lost. My heart still aches for those who were not as fortunate as we were.

Just a few months ago, Jake and I sat down and finally watched the made for t.v. movie/documentary about United 93. I had DVR'ed it on 9/11 last year, but could not bring myself to watch it at the time. We sat and watched, both of sobbing throughout most of the picture. We are both still greatly affected by the images and sounds of that fateful day. I wish I could find a way to have peace in my heart about it, but it's too hard right now, even five years later. This is the second act of terrorism I had lived through. As you may know, I live in Oklahoma City, and was supposed to be *in* the Murrah Building at 9 am when that bomb went off. 11 years later, I am still emotionally scarred. My office window looks out over the Memorial site. And while I'm more peaceful now than I was before about that time, it still bothers me when April 19th rolls around. Now, I have another date to add to my collective dread-September 11.

My heart and mind and loving thoughts are with all Americans today, especially those who suffered a loss in New York, Pennsylvania, and DC. You are forever in my heart....

Bummed *Updated*

I was hoping to post some great news today, but alas, such news did not arrive.

Hubby interviewed last week for a job with **** (major computer company that is now recalling their laptop batteries), and for once, his shy-prone self gave "good interview" and he really felt positive that he would be hired. However, today's deadline for "hearing something" has now come and gone, and nada.

What really sucks is that if he would've been hired, we could've lived off his salary (which would've been more than both of our currently combined incomes) and I could've paid down enormous sums of debt with mine.

I know the longer his job search takes, the more depressed he gets, not to mention the financial strain on us and our relationship. It's very demeaning to him as a man, to be the age he is (31), and not be further along in his career prospects. I know alot of it has to do with our moving back here 6 years ago, especially considering that Oklahoma is definitely not known to be a place where one can easily secure an IT position. However, I really, really, couldn't stay in D.C. another day when I left, and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and/or suicide when I made the decision to leave. Now, I feel guilty that I've screwed us for life.

As much as I love being near my family and friends here in OK, I feel that a move for us inevitable, perhaps even back to D.C. It's come to a point where I'm gonna have to suck it up and go wherever he can land a good-paying job, just so that we can move ahead with our lives.

Sigh. This sucks.

****UPDATED TO ADD****:

Yeah, apparantly my husband, aka he-who-never-checks-his-freakin'-email, missed a "rejection email" from **** that was sent LAST FRIDAY-2 days AFTER he interviewed. Way to go, honey!

So, I guess the search continues!! In the meantime, he's been promoted at one of his 2 jobs to Shift Manager, but it's not much more money, however every bit helps, I suppose. I'm also interviewing for a part-time job on Monday to be a part of a crew cleaning a school from 6-9 pm M-F. My BF, Aimee, and I are going to do this together for a few months to make some extra money--she to pay off debt before she gives birth in March, and me to pay off debt before I have to start paying back my student loans in November. Hopefully this will work out for the best.

Feliz Cuatro de Julio!

Hey everybody! Have a happy, safe, fun-filled 4th! I'll be at my brother's house, doing the typical American traditional thing: swimming, eating grilled hamburgers and hotdogs, watching fireworks at the park, and singing patriotic songs that make me teary-eyed and remind me why I still love my country, even though I may not like the direction it's going in. I also love any occasion where I can spend time with my family, and get paid for not coming to work! Win-win all around! See you Wednesday!