Sunshine's Peeking Through

I just wanted to thank all of you who sent me well wishes, and I wanted to let you know that I am doing a lot better. One of my biggest problems is my lack of patience. I'm an "instant gratification" kind of girl, and when I really, really, really want something, I can't stand waiting for it. The longer I'm forced to wait, the more frustrated I get.

I know that by taking the time to get our finances in order before adopting means that we'll not only be able to afford a better house to bring our child home to, but also the adoption costs won't be such a burden to bear.

It's just so hard emotionally when you're ready to be a parent and there's all these obstacles in your way. I think a lot of my "panic" also has to do with the fact that I will be 30 this year, and I really never thought it would take me this long to become a mother. Not that 30 is old, but seeing as how I started TTC when I was 21, it does feel like forever.

Like I said, I always bounce back, and the spring-like weather we've been having has been a real pick-me-up. It's hard to feel down when the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you feel a warm breeze upon your skin.

Once again, thank you so much for all of your love and support. It truly means the world to me.

Dark Clouds Rolling In

My old nemesis, Depression, is knocking on my door. I never care for its visits-draining me of energy, happiness, and any joy I may have in life. This month has been really hard. To have my hopes dashed for the millionth time has set off a chain reaction that I cannot seem to stop. I think the largest part of my pain lies in the fact that everyone I know is moving ahead with their parental goals or plans, and as always, I'm left behind. Either my friends are pregnant (most unexpectedly), "paper" pregnant (in the process of adoption), or have already adopted. All I have is the desire to be a parent. I am so, so, SO very happy for all of my friends, yet after 8 years of this shit, I'm ready to move on and join them.

We can't conceive a child, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to pursue ART anymore, yet I cannot start any of the adoption proceedings that I so desperately wish I could. We are in no way prepared to even start a home study-our home is too small, and we're thinking of downsizing to a one bedroom apartment for awhile just to save money to pay off our debts.

Debt-yet another reason that our adoption proceedings are delayed. I know, it's our (well, mostly my) fault for letting spending get out of control. Until our debts are paid down, we cannot buy a house, or pay an agency to pursue an adoption. I'm so sick of staying in this holding pattern-it's repetitive, boring, and most of all frustrating. I'm almost 30, and yet I don't feel like an adult. Most of the milestones that define adulthood: college graduate, homeowner, parent, I have yet to reach.

I guess I'm just sad, frustrated, and burned out to some degree. I know only I can change my circumstances, and my outlook, but I guess I just have to wallow in it for a day or so. I'll be OK, I always am, eventually.

If You Blog About It, It Will Come

Yeah, so um, never mind about that last post.

Apparently, my asshole uterus got wind that my Hope Meter was on high, and decided to lay a smack down-and at a birthing class (with Aimee, I'm her labor "companion"), no less.

Added to this unwelcome "surprise": seeing how loving all the couples were to each other in the birthing class-knowing Jake and I will never get to share that experience- and then at the end of class, having the instructor inquiring as to when I'm due. Yeah, great.

Thank G-d that was our last class.

Think I'll have a stiff drink and a nice painkiller now.

Something's Missing At The End Of This Sentence

....and it's the same thing that's been missing for almost 3 weeks

If it doesn't make an appearance soon, I'll be forced to invite FRED over

I don't like FRED, because FRED never has any "positive" news for me

After 8 years, you'd think I'd be used to that by now, but I'm not

All this does is up my Hope Meter, and we all know what a dissapointment that can be

The daydreams get stronger the longer this thing stays away

The a.m. nausea (twice now) doesn't help, either

Other than that, there's no evidence of anything at all, one way or another

(Sigh) Well, like I keep telling myself, even if something does finally show up, it's not a big deal, because someday I'll have something to hold in my arms, even if it's not made from me

It's in the Cards

Here are the Christmas cards I have received so far this year. I send out cards because it's something I like to do, and it's a way to connect-at least once a year-to those I care about. It means even more to me when I receive cards in return.

Several of these cards are from YOU, my Internet friends. Though I've never met any of you in person, nor heard your voice over a phone line, we've connected and bonded in a way I rarely do with those I see in the everyday. Several of you have known me for at least 4 or 5 years-the "B1" days. Most of you have moved on from infertility, and have already created a family, or are in the process of doing so. Just the fact that we can stay in touch-after all this time-and still wish each other well, fills my heart with a joy and love I cannot adequately describe. I know you may think it's "just a card", but to me, it's a symbol of love.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you, and wish you all the best this Holiday Season.

Infertility Humor

Courtesy of Married to the Sea:

Past, Present and Future

Today I had my "annual" appointment with my RE/Ob-Gyn, and as I sat waiting in the lobby for my name to be called, I looked around at my fellow patients, as most people do.

There were three other women there alone, and three couples. Seeing as how my RE runs the local fertility clinic that was housed in the same office, and the fact that none of these women were visibly pregnant, it wasn't hard to figure out what they were here for. Here were my fellow infertiles.

The three couples and myself were called back at the same time. While we waited in the long hallway to be assigned to our perspective rooms, the couples all looked at the photos on the wall of the babies my doctor helped to conceive and deliver. In their eyes I saw the hope, and heard in their minds "This could be us. We can be this lucky. This doctor will help us have a baby." As my heart broke a little for them, that they even had to use ART to achieve their dream of a family, I came to the realization that I'm not really one of "them" anymore. I am no longer relying on technology to help me build my family. I'm counting on the brave decision of a wonderful woman to place her child with me. I felt removed, apart, from these couples. However, I still remember what it's like to be them. To hope that this doctor will have the answers for them, to dream that they'll finally become pregnant and carry a child to term. That's not me anymore, and I'm glad. Infertility, while always a medical part of who I am, no longer defines me. It's my past, who I was, not who I am now. I no longer imagine the big red "I" on my chest, declaring my inability to bear a child.

I'll admit, that when looking at the photos of the babies and happy families, my heart twinged, just a little, then no more. My present is one where I am happy with who I am now, and glad to have my husband and our dogs as our family at this time. We are working hard, paying off debt, building credit, and hopefully, within the next year, buying the home that we'll bring our child home to, where we'll have our own happy family photos to display. My present is full of plans for my future.

That future-adoption, is one I am embracing with open eyes and a glad heart. I felt a bit smug at knowing how my child will come to me, that question being answered for me when we made our decision not to pursue ART, but to adopt a child. Sure, my husband and I will never know what it is to conceive a child, someone else will do that for us. We'll never see our combined features reflected in the face of our children, but we'll see their own beautiful faces none the less. I may have no say so over my child's nature, but I'll nurture him or her with all the love in my heart.

As I walked out of the examination area, and back into the waiting room, I locked eyes with another couple who had come in, waiting anxiously for their turn. I gave them a small smile, and a mental wish for their success, whatever way that may come.

One of the ONLY Positive Things About Infertility and Childlessness Is:

Getting to sleep in and lie (lay?) around all weekend long. Even though I'd trade that privilege in a heartbeat to have a child of my own, I'm sure looking forward to it this weekend.

Seriously, I'm exhausted; and I think I'm coming down with a cold. Yuck.

Is it Friday yet?

My Subconscious Is An Asshole (and other various observations)

Over the weekend, I fell into a funk over a dream that I'd had. "What kind of dream", you ask? Well, a baby dream, of course!!

I dreamt that I'd finally given birth, yet I refused to believe that the precious being in my arms was real. Everyone in the dream kept telling me that "Yes, you really did have a baby!" and I kept telling them that it wasn't possible, that this must all be a dream. To prove my point, I opened the curtains on a window in the birthing suite, and outside that window was: South America. (don't ask me how I knew it was South America, I just did, ok?) I proclaimed that I didn't live in S. America, therefore this really was a dream. And instantly I awoke. Why the funk? Well, because in the dream there were genuine moments of emotion where I felt overwhelmed with love for this tiny baby, and I wanted it to be true with all my heart.

Also, I keep having nightmares-which is really weird since I used to hardly ever have them. So, see-my subconscious really is an asshole!
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I've never seen "When Harry Met Sally". This, despite my love for the rom-com genre. Does this make me weird?
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I was looking at my sitemeter yesterday, and made the following observations:

The #1 Google-linked hit to my blog: I hate Angelina Jolie.

Ok folks, I don't really hate Angie-the post was tongue-in-cheek. So, I'm really sorry if you came here looking for some "Team Aniston" support, 'cause you won't find it here. Not that I wish Jen ill, in fact, I hope she and Vince work out-it's just that I didn't take sides in the initial fray. And really, why are you taking the time to Google this? Do you truly despise a celebrity that much? Interesting....

The #2 Google-linked hit to my blog: Vericocile

Hey, I understand what you're going through, and I'm really sorry to "hear" about your fertility problems. I hope the surgery (should you/your partner elect to do it) works out, and that you'll be as fertile as a, well, um....fertile person! Best of luck to you!

Some other referrals are still coming from that debacle I was involved with awhile back-you know the one I'm referring to-and if you don't you'll just have to wonder, because I will not rehash it here. It's done, it's over with-move on rubberneckers! Seriously-GO AWAY!! I don't need the site traffic, I'm perfectly happy with the 5 or so people who read this blog on a regular basis, it leaves me more space to speak my mind, without as much censorship. I'm sorry if you came here looking for a "trainwreck", and all you found was a "crazy" liberal with a penchant for all things 80's and an empty uterus. I sooo hate to disappoint you, truly.
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I'm starting my 2nd job tonight. You know...the one I mentioned earlier that I would be interviewing for? Anyway, finances being what they currently are in my household, I thought it prudent to acquire additional funds through gainful employment before I was forced to the poor-house. The job is cleaning an elementary school from 6-9 pm, Monday-Friday, excluding school holidays. My friend, Aimee, and I teamed up to do this together, and it's going to be a lot easier than what it sounds. All we basically have to do is vacuum/mop the floors, wipe down sinks, and stock toilet paper and paper towels. The school is not a large one, so we'll probably get it down to being there for only 2 hours. It's not going to be a lot of money, but every little bit helps, ya know! Besides, it's better to make money (and get some exercise in the process!) rather than sit on my ass at home watching t.v. and doing nothing each night.


Ok, well, that's it in a nutshell! Lemme know if there's anything else your inquiring minds want to know, and I'll see what I can come up with!

Guess I'm Not Alone After All

I just read Julia's post and comments from yesterday, and honestly it's made me feel a lot better about my own situation. It's so easy to forget that I'm not alone out here in the world with my infertility/family planning issues. We're not the only couple affected by endo and male factor. Nor are we the only infertile couple out there who cannot currently afford treatment or adoption. And we certainly aren't the only couple who can't decide/agree upon on which way is best to build our family.

When you're in that place of frustration, depression, fear, and anger, it's so easy to think you ARE the only one. If it weren't for the "internets", I don't know where I'd be today. Just to know that others are going through the same thing, and understand your pain, even if you don't know each other personally-is so empowering, and gives you some hope in this place of darkness.

Brief Explanations

Not to go into too much detail, as I don't like to hash or bash about my marriage or my husband. However, needless to say, we are at a place in our lives where we're having to do some serious re-evaluating of our lives, including the state of our marriage.

This is not to say that we don't love each other, we do-very much and very deeply. However, there are certain things in my life that I am not willing to compromise upon. If I made these compromises or sacrifices, it would only lead to heartache and bitterness for myself and towards my husband, which would dissolve our marriage anyway.

Alot of this is related to our infertility struggles, and our path to parenthood. We are trying to have an open dialog and understand where the other is coming from, but these conversations are never easy, and are frought with strong emotions. And of course, any path to parenthood we choose is financially burdensome to us at this time, when we already have enough debt to deal with-yet, we are getting older, and getting tired of the wait.

So, between the money and baby issues, there is alot of discussions going on in Casa de Libral Loco. I feel as long as we are talking that there's still a chance for us, and it's a chance I have to take.

I'll be ok, and I appreciate all the love and sentiment I'm receiving from you, my friends. It means the world to me.

Why Is It...

Everyone else's life is coming together, just as mine is slowly falling apart?

Ticking Away!

So, since I'm not pregnant, can't get pregnant (at least not anytime soon), but want to be a part of the "in" crowd, I got myself one of those "tickers" you see on blogs and bb's all the time.

You know the ones I'm talking about-they count down pregnancies to the due date or say people's children's ages in days, weeks, months and years. My little green monster thought I shouldn't be excluded, sooooo, if you scroll down to the bottom of my page, you'll see a ticker that states my age and counts down the time until my next birthday. Pretty handy, if I say so myself.

Just My Luck

As always, my life wouldn't be mine if I didn't have some sort of drama occurring at all times.

The latest: my best friend is (very) unexpectedly pregnant. Unexpected, not only because she was using a condom, but because in her previous long-term relationship, she did not use condoms, nor birth control, yet never became pregnant (by a man who already had 2 children). So, once again, everyone else but me can breed.

I will admit, I did cry a small bit the day before we confirmed the pregnancy (with a FRED in a Wal-Mart bathroom of all things), because of course, again, it's not me who is pregnant. However, these were not the huge, racking sobs of yesteryear, just a quiet stream running down my face for about 10 minutes. Then, I was over it. And now? I'm very excited. My friend is really involving me, to the point of asking that I be in the delivery room with her. She is also extremely understanding and knows that a part of me is hurting. I *heart* her.

I'm blessed to have such great friends. All of our friends who have found out, have asked her how I'm doing, because they all know about my infertility struggles. The fact that they care, and understand, means a lot to me.

So, I guess I am doing better. Used to be, I would've been devastated by this news, and extremely jealous. Now, I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of a little one to spoil. Big, HUGE, improvement.

In other news, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Doing the same things, day after day, year after year. Nothing changes. Not my job, my activities, nothing. Yet, everyone else seems to have major changes happening in their lives. Jake and I are not making any strides towards improving ourselves. Well, except for his graduation from our 2 yr college. However, he has yet to be offered a job, despite putting out his resume and going on 2 interviews. But, it is partly his fault. He's not networking and putting his resume out there the way he should be. I've already informed him that I cannot be 31, married for 10 years, and not own a house, or be on my way to having a family. He has agreed that it is time for a change, so now he has 2 years to get the ball rolling (that's when I'll be 31 and married for 10 yrs) or else. What that "or else" is, I haven't figured out, but I'm sure it involves a swift kick in the arse from me to him.

I'm sure you are asking yourself: well, what the fuck is her problem? Why can't she get off her ass and do something? Quite frankly, I am. I work full-time, and my salary pays the largest majority of our bills. Also, I've tried going to school, and have completed 3 semesters, but right now my work schedule prohibits me from taking the classes I need to advance in school. I tried it last semester, and ended up having to drop out, because it wasn't working. So, until Jake has a better paying job, allowing me to drop my working hours to part-time, school is on the back burner for me. Also, without a larger salary from Jake, there is no way we can afford IVF or adoption, so that too, is a problem.

Anyway, just wanted to update on what's going on in my life. I'll now return to the videos and political ranting posts.