Dark Clouds Rolling In

My old nemesis, Depression, is knocking on my door. I never care for its visits-draining me of energy, happiness, and any joy I may have in life. This month has been really hard. To have my hopes dashed for the millionth time has set off a chain reaction that I cannot seem to stop. I think the largest part of my pain lies in the fact that everyone I know is moving ahead with their parental goals or plans, and as always, I'm left behind. Either my friends are pregnant (most unexpectedly), "paper" pregnant (in the process of adoption), or have already adopted. All I have is the desire to be a parent. I am so, so, SO very happy for all of my friends, yet after 8 years of this shit, I'm ready to move on and join them.

We can't conceive a child, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to pursue ART anymore, yet I cannot start any of the adoption proceedings that I so desperately wish I could. We are in no way prepared to even start a home study-our home is too small, and we're thinking of downsizing to a one bedroom apartment for awhile just to save money to pay off our debts.

Debt-yet another reason that our adoption proceedings are delayed. I know, it's our (well, mostly my) fault for letting spending get out of control. Until our debts are paid down, we cannot buy a house, or pay an agency to pursue an adoption. I'm so sick of staying in this holding pattern-it's repetitive, boring, and most of all frustrating. I'm almost 30, and yet I don't feel like an adult. Most of the milestones that define adulthood: college graduate, homeowner, parent, I have yet to reach.

I guess I'm just sad, frustrated, and burned out to some degree. I know only I can change my circumstances, and my outlook, but I guess I just have to wallow in it for a day or so. I'll be OK, I always am, eventually.

Bleh

That's how I feel right now. I'm just really uninspired and can't muster up the energy to whip up a post right now. I think alot of it has to do with my life right now. Everything is great, but there's also not alot happening, so therefore, there's nothing much to share. Sometimes, that can be a good thing. There are some things that are possibly in the works, but I really can't talk about them right now, until I have more information or the plans are finalized.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here, and I'm checking out other blogs everyday, and will eventually have something meaningful or humerous to say. Thanks for checking in!

Cheese With My Whine?

I have a sinus/upper respiratory infection AGAIN. This is what? The 3rd or 4th time this year? Seriously, it's getting old.

Oh, you know me!! Nothing more I love than walking around feeling like an elephant is sitting on my face and chest, using my rescue inhalor 2 or 3 times a day, rubbing my nose raw from constantly blowing it. It's a joy!

Of course, being the stubborn cow that I am, I wait too long to go to the doctor, so by the time I get some decent medicine in me, the infection is much worse than what it would've been had, I seen a doctor sooner. So, I've scheduled an appointment for tomorrow. Although, we're about to get a blast of winter weather with snow and freezing rain, and people here tend to panic in any kind of inclimate weather, so I'm hoping my Dr. doesn't close his office before I can get my "feel good" fix.

How about you? Any of you out there dealing with "the crud"? Or winter weather? Both?

Busy Lil' Bee

Just now having time to post, after a whirlwind weekend of shopping, babies, and chocolate consumption, I am home. And bored.

However, I'm using my remaining vacation time for the year to have all of this week off so I can catch up on some things I've been putting off, like putting stuff up on ebay for sale, getting my "annual" exam, and of course, preparing for the Turkey Day feast on Thursday.

I'm not going to be able to do as much shopping as I'd hope on Black Friday, funds being low and all, but I did score some really great deals this weekend at Big Lots and Tar*get's clearance racks, so I really don't have that much more to buy.

Guess that's all for now! Have a great week!

Fears

In the time before you adopted/gave birth to your child(ren) did you ever find yourself afraid that you would regret giving up your "alone" time with yourself or your spouse?

This is something I've been worried about lately. It's mostly stemmed from the relief I feel when my time babysitting my little sisters or my niece and nephew are up. I enjoy being with them, but it's exhausting, and I'm glad when I can retreat home. Yet, I still have the longing in my heart to have a child of my own. I see children out in public and wonder what my child will look or act like; so you see how this could cause a conflict. I also enjoy the time Jake and I get to spend together, especially now that he's home on weekends. Just snuggling in bed, watching t.v., brings me the greatest satisfaction imaginable. And after 11 years alone together, are we fully prepared to have a third person in our little family?

How do you find that balance? How do you make time for yourself, your spouse, and your children? I'm sure what I have are "pre-adoption jitters", because I have a stupid idea in my head that I have to be the most perfect parent imaginable, and various worries like this one keep playing in my head. I'm a chronic worrier about *everything*, so I'm sure this is just another thing I've blown out of proportion in my head. However, I would really like the perspective out there of anyone else who may have experienced or are experiencing something similar. I have to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. Please, anyone?

Out Damn Blogspot! Out!

"Son of bitch! Shit!" ($5 million in Monopoly money for anyone who can name what movie that's from.)

Hopefully, this post will go through. Blogger's being a bitch (taking forever to load, etc.), so there goes the post I was planning on writing. It was totally interesting, too! Unlike this pile of crap. In fact, please ignore it.

Hopefully, better luck tomorrow.

Committed

In an effort to improve/maintain my writing skills (skills, what skills?!! bwahahaha), I have committed myself to NaBloWriMo, which although it sounds like something far dirtier than what it is, is actually a great idea. In fact, I've decided to take this thing one step further by committing myself to begin the daily posts today, starting with this one (hehe, I know it probably shouldn't count, but it's my rules this month, so what I say goes!).

So sit down, strap in, and hold on, 'cause you're about to have at least six weeks of unfiltered Nat Time!!

PS: Don't forget, I can wait until 11:59 pm to post, and it still counts for that day!! Oh, how I love interpreting rules to how I want/need them to be! (Must be why I work for attorneys.)

I'm Meeeellllllllllllllllting!!!!

....but in a good way!!

I discovered the most fantastic thing this weekend-I've lost weight!! Although, I really can't tell by what the number on my scale says since that thing has been consistently unreliable (of course what do I expect from a $5 scale?).

However, yesterday, when I went to put on a pair of my (freshly washed) jeans, I didn't have to suck my gut in, nor did they feel tight anywhere!! For a big girl like myself, this is HUGE (pun intended)!! And then today, when putting on a pair of black cotton slacks that usually are a bit snug in the hip and butt area, they actually fit like they were supposed to!

*Sings* "Oh Happy Day, (oh happy day), Oh Happy Day, (oh happy day)"

I know the whole reason behind my miraculous transformation is my new 2nd job. You should see the sweat I work up while cleaning!! It's actually kind of gross-it's like someone has turned a faucet on at the top of my head, because it literally pours down my face. I've never been one to perspire in a delicate, lady-like fashion.

This is truly wonderful news for me, and goes right along with my "Thin by 30!!" campaign for myself. I've got 13 months, 3 weeks and 2 days to get down to a size 12 (my goal size). I've spent all of my 20's fat, and I'll be damned if I spend my 30's onward that way! I'm going to be healthy and good looking!!

In other news: as always, my 3 day weekend was entirely too short. Saturday, I attended by 10 year-old sister's birthday party, where we (me, my bf Aimee, and SIL) were supposed to give the girls "makeovers". Let me just say that I now see what everyone gets in a tizzy about when it comes to little girls looking up to celebrities like Britney Spears. My sister was imitating Britney while dancing to some of her songs, and I was shocked to see a 10 year old little girl move so provocatively. I wanted to lock her up until she was 18!!! I told that in no way should she EVER dance like that outside the house!! Needless to say, I had a bit of a "chat" with my mother about this, and she was just as concerned as I was. Poor kid, now she'll be lucky to get out of the house until she is 18. I spent Sunday with Aimee and her family at a bar-b-que at her Aunt's home. It was a nice gathering, and I felt right at home. We sang karaoke until 11, when we wrapped things up and went home. Monday was spent with my hubby (finally). We slept in, played video games (SimCity 4 for me, No-Limit Texas Hold 'em for him), then saw 2 movies at the theatre-something we haven't done in a couple of months. We saw: "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby". "Little Miss Sunshine" was good, and I really enjoyed seeing Steve Carrell in a dramatic role. I have a soft spot for indies, and this one is worth seeing. "Talladega Nights" was just ok-Jake wanted to leave half-way through, but I made him stay. Unfortunately, as is the case with a lot of these comedies, the funniest parts are shown in the previews. I think it's definitely worth a rental, just not the full theatre price.

That's pretty much it for now! I'll try to post again sometime this week, but don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a few days. I'm a busy, busy, gal! Hope your weekends were equally relaxing!

My Subconscious Is An Asshole (and other various observations)

Over the weekend, I fell into a funk over a dream that I'd had. "What kind of dream", you ask? Well, a baby dream, of course!!

I dreamt that I'd finally given birth, yet I refused to believe that the precious being in my arms was real. Everyone in the dream kept telling me that "Yes, you really did have a baby!" and I kept telling them that it wasn't possible, that this must all be a dream. To prove my point, I opened the curtains on a window in the birthing suite, and outside that window was: South America. (don't ask me how I knew it was South America, I just did, ok?) I proclaimed that I didn't live in S. America, therefore this really was a dream. And instantly I awoke. Why the funk? Well, because in the dream there were genuine moments of emotion where I felt overwhelmed with love for this tiny baby, and I wanted it to be true with all my heart.

Also, I keep having nightmares-which is really weird since I used to hardly ever have them. So, see-my subconscious really is an asshole!
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I've never seen "When Harry Met Sally". This, despite my love for the rom-com genre. Does this make me weird?
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I was looking at my sitemeter yesterday, and made the following observations:

The #1 Google-linked hit to my blog: I hate Angelina Jolie.

Ok folks, I don't really hate Angie-the post was tongue-in-cheek. So, I'm really sorry if you came here looking for some "Team Aniston" support, 'cause you won't find it here. Not that I wish Jen ill, in fact, I hope she and Vince work out-it's just that I didn't take sides in the initial fray. And really, why are you taking the time to Google this? Do you truly despise a celebrity that much? Interesting....

The #2 Google-linked hit to my blog: Vericocile

Hey, I understand what you're going through, and I'm really sorry to "hear" about your fertility problems. I hope the surgery (should you/your partner elect to do it) works out, and that you'll be as fertile as a, well, um....fertile person! Best of luck to you!

Some other referrals are still coming from that debacle I was involved with awhile back-you know the one I'm referring to-and if you don't you'll just have to wonder, because I will not rehash it here. It's done, it's over with-move on rubberneckers! Seriously-GO AWAY!! I don't need the site traffic, I'm perfectly happy with the 5 or so people who read this blog on a regular basis, it leaves me more space to speak my mind, without as much censorship. I'm sorry if you came here looking for a "trainwreck", and all you found was a "crazy" liberal with a penchant for all things 80's and an empty uterus. I sooo hate to disappoint you, truly.
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I'm starting my 2nd job tonight. You know...the one I mentioned earlier that I would be interviewing for? Anyway, finances being what they currently are in my household, I thought it prudent to acquire additional funds through gainful employment before I was forced to the poor-house. The job is cleaning an elementary school from 6-9 pm, Monday-Friday, excluding school holidays. My friend, Aimee, and I teamed up to do this together, and it's going to be a lot easier than what it sounds. All we basically have to do is vacuum/mop the floors, wipe down sinks, and stock toilet paper and paper towels. The school is not a large one, so we'll probably get it down to being there for only 2 hours. It's not going to be a lot of money, but every little bit helps, ya know! Besides, it's better to make money (and get some exercise in the process!) rather than sit on my ass at home watching t.v. and doing nothing each night.


Ok, well, that's it in a nutshell! Lemme know if there's anything else your inquiring minds want to know, and I'll see what I can come up with!

DJ Mixmaster N.D.

I love sitting at my home computer (like I am now, duh), playing mindless computer games, like solitaire, and listening to my killer compilation mixes.

My music folder on my computer takes up 12.9 Gigs of space, consisting of 187 folders and 4,278 files of individual songs. That doesn't even count the stuff I have on CD! Needless to say, I'm a music lover of the highest level. Music has always been an important part of my life, and while I know that so passe to say, it's definitely true for me. I'm the daughter of a musician, and from the womb, rhythm and beats have had a profound affect on me. My mother is also a huge music lover, but her taste is nowhere near as diverse or eclectic as mine. In fact, it took my husband to start opening my ears to some diversity. His love of electronic music has played a big factor in what I listen to, especially his own creations. I also managed a CD store for a couple of years and just for kicks, would go around the store, pick out 5 random albums, and put them on shuffle on our in-house stereo system for customers (the overhead music you hear). This is how I learned to love jazz, blues, reggae, and a lot of imports from Europe. Now, I'm in the habit of taking friends' suggestions of bands I've never heard, and taking them for a spin. This has brought me Kasabian, Snow Patrol, The Killers, Keane, Bloc Party, The Flaming Lips, Frou Frou, The Postal Service, Sugarland, and so much more. I buy, I download, I collect. Then, I take that mass synergy of sound and create my own little world to fit whatever mood I'm in.

My mixes are THE SHIT, if I may say so myself. When most people hear my mixes, either on my computer, or in a CD I've made for my car, they're suitably impressed. I'm actually considering starting my own internet radio station, just to share my collection with others, but I need to work out the logistics on that one, such as server usage, file sharing, legalities, etc. Believe it or not, for someone who loves mixes as much as I do, I don't own an iPod. I'm hoping to buy the iPod shuffle for myself when I get the extra $70, just so I can jam out on my lunch break, or to get me off my ass and start walking again. It would definitely make exercise less boring, in my opinion. If I don't have it before, I do hope to get one for my birthday in October. That would be a cool 29th b-day present to myself, or from someone else who wants to spring for it!

Anyway, here's an example of what I'm talking about-this is just a sampling of some of the songs that are in the mix session I'm listening to as I type this:

*So Here We Are-Bloc Party
*The Luckiest-Ben Folds Five
*Hung Up-Madonna
*SexyBack-Justin Timberlake
*Mad World-Gary Jules
*Fade Into You-Mazzy Star
*Moviekiss-Y.O.U.
*Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon
*The Blower's Daughter-Damien Rice
*Golden Years-David Bowie
*Babylon & Please Forgive Me-David Gray
*Take Me Out-Franz Ferdinand
*Crazy-Gnarls Barkley
*Banana Pancakes, Better Together, Flake & Sitting, Waiting, Wishing-Jack Johnson
*Canned Heat-Jamiroquai
*Club Foot-Kasabian
*Never There-Cake
*Karma Police-Radiohead
*Everything & You and Me-Lifehouse
* I know-Jude
*Times Like These-Foo Fighters
*Float On-Modest Mouse
*Love Song-311
*Don't Panic-Coldplay
*In the Waiting Line-Zero
*Let Go-Frou Frou
*If You Leave-OMD
*Porcelain-Moby
*Superman-Five for Fighting
*Don't Dream It's Over-Sixpence None The Richer
*Only-Nine Inch Nails
*Dani California-Red Hot Chili Peppers
*Run-Snow Patrol
*Mr. Brightside-The Killers
*Open Up Your Eyes-Tonic

Over 3 hours of great music!! Seriously though, if anyone wants a mix CD, just tell me what you want on it, or what "mood" you'd prefer, and if you want it in CD or mp3 format, and I'd be glad to burn one and mail it to you.

Cleaning House

I've decided to delete alot of my old posts that I feel were either poorly written, just plain stupid, or discuss/mention people I no longer wish to speak of. I also deleted any work-related posts, just in case "The Man" ever came upon my blog.

I'm also going to try and post alot more fun stuff-all part of the new "happier" me! Notice that I have changed part of my header and profile description as well.

Hope you like the changes!