Saturday, November 11, 2006

Fears

In the time before you adopted/gave birth to your child(ren) did you ever find yourself afraid that you would regret giving up your "alone" time with yourself or your spouse?

This is something I've been worried about lately. It's mostly stemmed from the relief I feel when my time babysitting my little sisters or my niece and nephew are up. I enjoy being with them, but it's exhausting, and I'm glad when I can retreat home. Yet, I still have the longing in my heart to have a child of my own. I see children out in public and wonder what my child will look or act like; so you see how this could cause a conflict. I also enjoy the time Jake and I get to spend together, especially now that he's home on weekends. Just snuggling in bed, watching t.v., brings me the greatest satisfaction imaginable. And after 11 years alone together, are we fully prepared to have a third person in our little family?

How do you find that balance? How do you make time for yourself, your spouse, and your children? I'm sure what I have are "pre-adoption jitters", because I have a stupid idea in my head that I have to be the most perfect parent imaginable, and various worries like this one keep playing in my head. I'm a chronic worrier about *everything*, so I'm sure this is just another thing I've blown out of proportion in my head. However, I would really like the perspective out there of anyone else who may have experienced or are experiencing something similar. I have to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. Please, anyone?

3 comments:

Tiff said...

You are not alone, I have been having the same worries. Fun stuff. :(

Paradise19 said...

Your fears are understandable as a potential adoptive mother but they are not unlike the fears experienced by a biological mother. Becoming a mother IS a scary thing despite all the wonderful outcomes. The reality is that NO, you and Jake will not ever spend the same kind of 'alone' time as you do now. Once you have a child it will forever be different. You will become a unit of three, a tightly knit bond, and something automatically turns on in your heart and soul that makes you a mother above anything else. Even when you are away from your child, enjoying that precious alone time with your spouse that you will so greatly miss, you will both find yourselves wondering about what the little one might be doing at that moment.

But don't forget that all those things you love doing with Jake - sleeping in late, snuggling in bed and watching silly cartoons on Saturday mornings, going to live events, movies, and just 'hanging out' - your child will do all of those things with you and it will become a normal part of life. There is no turning back from motherhood; every mother will become a mother for life, no matter what the circumstances. It's inborn, it's instinctual. Adoption is only one of the many, many different ways to build a family. Several of my cousins were adopted by my aunts and uncles and that is not even a consideration among us. It's like saying someone is Caucasian or female. The fact that a person is 'adopted' is only one dimension to the lifelong evolution of a person's unique personality and character.

A family unit is bonded from the beginning, and your own journey into motherhood will be wonderful, frightening, exhilirating, mystifying, exhausting, intriguing, and ultimately satisfying.

No mother escapes from those pesky feelings of guilt, the feeling that you are being judged by anyone and everyone, watching your every move and comparing it to other mothers, better mothers than you. You will look at other mothers in a completely different way; you will find yourself comparing your mothering skills and questioning your own decisions. Though you'd rather not admit it, you will always wonder if you're doing the 'right' thing, and if you're a 'good' mother. It may be a common fear especially among potential adoptive mothers because they may feel that they are being held to an even higher standard than biological mothers. I would like to say that it's a myth, but those feelings are understandable from mothers who have often already encountered disappointing, difficult, or scary situations that may or may not have led them to adoption.

You will feel good about yourself when you laugh with other mothers. You will appreciate good examples of motherhood around you. You will be tired and grumpy and feel like no one really understands what it's like to have a 2-year-old tugging on your shirt and whining all day for no reason. You and Jake will celebrate every little moment of your child's life, and you will suffer when your child is in pain. Forever. And yes, you will miss the good old alone time. But it will become a pleasant memory, a story you can tell your child over and over again. "Before you were born, Mommy and Daddy..." And you will never once regret taking that leap of faith, that most feared and reveared journey into motherhood.

Aimee said...

Well, Audrey pretty much summed it up lol!

I am having the same fears. Fears that I wont be able to just go whenever I please, fears of knowing I have to get a baby ready and still shower and get ready myself in the morning. It is VERY scary! But in the end, loving my baby boy and being able to experience motherhood is a gift I wouldnt trade for the world.

When you and Jake finally get your baby, even though the fears dont go away, you will work through them and just be the best parents you can be!