Monday, January 23, 2006

Just When IS Someday, Anyway?

(Disclaimer: This post would fall under that "Incoherent Ramblings" category I speak of in my header...)

I really am tired of waiting for someday. You know, "someday" we'll be able to afford a vacation, "someday" I'll freakin' graduate, "someday" we'll buy a house, "someday" we'll be able to have kids. I hate "someday", because "someday" never comes, or at least not fast enough for me (I of the persistently impatient nature).

It seems that "someday" seems to be dicated by something else I can't stand: "money" or, "lack thereof". See, even when that "someday" arrives when I graduate, or even when Jake graduates, we'll be in debt up to our eyeballs with our student loans. So, by the time we're somewhat financially stable, will I even have eggs that are worth a shit to try IVF?!?

I know we're trying, dammit; we're trying as hard as we can to make a better life for ourselves, but I've already waited 7 years for my child, and I'm getting sick of the continued wait. We are going be fabulous parents, fabulous I tell ya! We have so much bottled up love from waiting for said child, that they may OD on our joyous attention. Poor kid, we're gonna smother it with love.

It just kills me to look at my husband, the man I love more than breathing, and to envision him holding our baby in his arms, and knowing that that fantasy is so far off in the future that it seems impossible to come true. He's so great with kids, I know he's going to make a fantastic father, #1 DAD shirts and all that jazz. Now, I have the added pressure of knowing my in-laws are finally into the whole grandparent idea, and they're ready to see some grandchildren! Of course, they know all about our fertility issues, we're totally "out" to everyone about IF, but just knowing that they want us to have kids just as much as we want to is even more of a burden.

Alright, alright, I'm making no sense now, guess I just needed to vent. I'll post more coherently interesting stories later.....

4 comments:

Kellie said...

Natalee,

I hope your someday comes really soon. You certainly deserve it as much as anyone I know.

Hugs to you and DH

erinberry said...

It is so, so hard to be patient. I'm not good at being patient, myself. At just shy of two years TTC, I've had enough.

A few weeks ago I was thinking of friends of ours who are expecting their first. I asked my husband if he'd feel really sad if he never experienced rubbing my pregnant belly and feeling a kick. I started crying just thinking about how terrible it would be for him not to have that! His answer was, "I have never thought about that in my entire life." That made me feel better :)

Very_Vera said...

Wow
you just brought up some old feelings of mine....

I have been there, lived in it, slept in it and hated every second of it.

it will happen for you - 5 years later it did for me. And you forget all the pain and anger. It's worth it.

Hang in there sister!

seattlegal said...

I just wanted to write a comment to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I feel so overwhelmed and scared that I will never be able to afford IVF - which is basically what the doctor said we should do. I have school loans, a car loan and a mortgage along with everything else I need to pay, and I'm wondering if my someday will ever come. I really, really hope that someday will be here soon for the both of us. Take care!