Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Dark Clouds Rolling In

My old nemesis, Depression, is knocking on my door. I never care for its visits-draining me of energy, happiness, and any joy I may have in life. This month has been really hard. To have my hopes dashed for the millionth time has set off a chain reaction that I cannot seem to stop. I think the largest part of my pain lies in the fact that everyone I know is moving ahead with their parental goals or plans, and as always, I'm left behind. Either my friends are pregnant (most unexpectedly), "paper" pregnant (in the process of adoption), or have already adopted. All I have is the desire to be a parent. I am so, so, SO very happy for all of my friends, yet after 8 years of this shit, I'm ready to move on and join them.

We can't conceive a child, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to pursue ART anymore, yet I cannot start any of the adoption proceedings that I so desperately wish I could. We are in no way prepared to even start a home study-our home is too small, and we're thinking of downsizing to a one bedroom apartment for awhile just to save money to pay off our debts.

Debt-yet another reason that our adoption proceedings are delayed. I know, it's our (well, mostly my) fault for letting spending get out of control. Until our debts are paid down, we cannot buy a house, or pay an agency to pursue an adoption. I'm so sick of staying in this holding pattern-it's repetitive, boring, and most of all frustrating. I'm almost 30, and yet I don't feel like an adult. Most of the milestones that define adulthood: college graduate, homeowner, parent, I have yet to reach.

I guess I'm just sad, frustrated, and burned out to some degree. I know only I can change my circumstances, and my outlook, but I guess I just have to wallow in it for a day or so. I'll be OK, I always am, eventually.

6 comments:

wzgirl said...

Add hormonal to the mix. You're allowed to wallow every once and a while, Nat. It is rough & you have been through a lot...and it is hard. I know that you will be ok - as you said, you always end up being ok.

Right now it is just hard.

XO

Susan Reynolds said...

Believing in a better tomorrow, or a better month a bit down the road, or a better year next year can be so difficult.

Be assured that there are many others out there who are pulling for you - whether battling similar personal issues or not.

Tiff said...

I am sorry sweetie. Living in limbo is the worst. I hope things are looking brighter soon.

Ollie said...

I'm so sorry honey. I really, truly hope things are exactly how you want them soon. I so much want that for you. Infertility is such an evil, wretched bitch.

the aitch said...

i'm sorry babe. i love you though :)

Katie J said...

This is my first time on your blog, but I just had to say I'm wishing the best for you. It's a hard road and I think I've been down pretty much the same one as you, so I know it well. Good luck to you.