Friday, February 04, 2005

Quiet Desperation

I'm going back to that place again. That dark place I swore I'd never let myself visit again. I may have to finally seek some professional help, just to get a grip and maintain my sanity. I thought I was doing so well, I'd managed not to think about babies every second of every hour of every day. But then, somehow, mysteriously, it started creeping up on me again. And now I find myself back to where I was so long ago. I hate this place, this dark cave. I hate that I am envious of those I should be supportive to, just because they have what I don't, but so desperately want-a child.

What did we do wrong? Logically I know that answer is "nothing", but I can't help but feel like I'm burning off some seriously bad karma here. Was I Hitler in a past life or something? I'm in this permanent holding pattern, circling around the land of Parenthood, and I need to land soon, or I'll run out of fuel and crash. Of course, there are those who will read this and think, "She's too unstable to have a child. Depressed people shouldn't be allowed to have children.". Yeah, well, FUCK YOU, you fucking know-it-alls. Infertility is like a death. It rips a hole in your heart that you feel will NEVER fully heal, even if you are lucky enough to finally achieve motherhood. The scars we are left with run deep, and rarely fade over time. I am in MOURNING. My arms ache to hold my child, my eyes want to see her face, my ears, to hear her cry, so I can make it better. Will I ever be "Mommy"? Next month, it will be SIX YEARS since we started our "efforts" at becoming parents. As happy as we are with each other, Jake and I both desire to be parents. It's not just a baby, we look forward to raising our child (hopefully children), watching them grow, learn, have families of their own. It is a fundemental biological urge we have, and we can't turn it off. Childfree (and I commend those of you who have made this choice, especially non-voluntary ones) is not an option for us.

For those of you out there who may think that I am being punished, may I ask you, for what? I rarely drink, don't smoke, have never done drugs, am married to the only man I've slept with, I'm a good wife, daughter, sister, aunt. I'm not perfect, but I'm no worse than the next person. Sure, I have a potty mouth, but not around children. I'm not trying to be preachy, either. I don't believe that the women out there who do drink, smoke, have tried drugs, or have had multiple sexual partners are any less deserving of children than I. In fact, they have the advantage of having additional life experiences that I don't. They can actually tell their kids why drugs (drinking, smoking, etc.) are bad, and can relate what it's like to have had your heart broken, but then how to pick up the pieces and move on. No one deserves this. Why can't we have children, when crack-whores are breeding left and right? There is no rhyme or reason to this universe.

Don't worry, I'll find my way out of th dark place again; I always do. And someday, I hope I can permanently step out into the light, clasping the hand of my precious child, and smile, at the possiblilites of a new day.


NSR said...

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so hard not to wonder what it is we did wrong to deserve this. I wonder all the time myself.
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.
I think the name of your blog says it all...


Pamplemousse said...

I know all too well the dark place and I can empathise all too readily with you. It will pass and you can take comfort that you are not alone!