Sunshine's Peeking Through

I just wanted to thank all of you who sent me well wishes, and I wanted to let you know that I am doing a lot better. One of my biggest problems is my lack of patience. I'm an "instant gratification" kind of girl, and when I really, really, really want something, I can't stand waiting for it. The longer I'm forced to wait, the more frustrated I get.

I know that by taking the time to get our finances in order before adopting means that we'll not only be able to afford a better house to bring our child home to, but also the adoption costs won't be such a burden to bear.

It's just so hard emotionally when you're ready to be a parent and there's all these obstacles in your way. I think a lot of my "panic" also has to do with the fact that I will be 30 this year, and I really never thought it would take me this long to become a mother. Not that 30 is old, but seeing as how I started TTC when I was 21, it does feel like forever.

Like I said, I always bounce back, and the spring-like weather we've been having has been a real pick-me-up. It's hard to feel down when the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you feel a warm breeze upon your skin.

Once again, thank you so much for all of your love and support. It truly means the world to me.

Dark Clouds Rolling In

My old nemesis, Depression, is knocking on my door. I never care for its visits-draining me of energy, happiness, and any joy I may have in life. This month has been really hard. To have my hopes dashed for the millionth time has set off a chain reaction that I cannot seem to stop. I think the largest part of my pain lies in the fact that everyone I know is moving ahead with their parental goals or plans, and as always, I'm left behind. Either my friends are pregnant (most unexpectedly), "paper" pregnant (in the process of adoption), or have already adopted. All I have is the desire to be a parent. I am so, so, SO very happy for all of my friends, yet after 8 years of this shit, I'm ready to move on and join them.

We can't conceive a child, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to pursue ART anymore, yet I cannot start any of the adoption proceedings that I so desperately wish I could. We are in no way prepared to even start a home study-our home is too small, and we're thinking of downsizing to a one bedroom apartment for awhile just to save money to pay off our debts.

Debt-yet another reason that our adoption proceedings are delayed. I know, it's our (well, mostly my) fault for letting spending get out of control. Until our debts are paid down, we cannot buy a house, or pay an agency to pursue an adoption. I'm so sick of staying in this holding pattern-it's repetitive, boring, and most of all frustrating. I'm almost 30, and yet I don't feel like an adult. Most of the milestones that define adulthood: college graduate, homeowner, parent, I have yet to reach.

I guess I'm just sad, frustrated, and burned out to some degree. I know only I can change my circumstances, and my outlook, but I guess I just have to wallow in it for a day or so. I'll be OK, I always am, eventually.

If You Blog About It, It Will Come

Yeah, so um, never mind about that last post.

Apparently, my asshole uterus got wind that my Hope Meter was on high, and decided to lay a smack down-and at a birthing class (with Aimee, I'm her labor "companion"), no less.

Added to this unwelcome "surprise": seeing how loving all the couples were to each other in the birthing class-knowing Jake and I will never get to share that experience- and then at the end of class, having the instructor inquiring as to when I'm due. Yeah, great.

Thank G-d that was our last class.

Think I'll have a stiff drink and a nice painkiller now.

Something's Missing At The End Of This Sentence

....and it's the same thing that's been missing for almost 3 weeks

If it doesn't make an appearance soon, I'll be forced to invite FRED over

I don't like FRED, because FRED never has any "positive" news for me

After 8 years, you'd think I'd be used to that by now, but I'm not

All this does is up my Hope Meter, and we all know what a dissapointment that can be

The daydreams get stronger the longer this thing stays away

The a.m. nausea (twice now) doesn't help, either

Other than that, there's no evidence of anything at all, one way or another

(Sigh) Well, like I keep telling myself, even if something does finally show up, it's not a big deal, because someday I'll have something to hold in my arms, even if it's not made from me

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

I did not have any hopes yesterday of receiving any sort of Valentine's Day gift. Jake and I had celebrated on Sunday by going out to a nice dinner, and I had given him a card, though he had not bought one for me. I teased that he had until Wednesday to buy me one, but didn't really think he'd remember. When I spoke with him yesterday afternoon, he was acting very blase' and once again, I was convinced he had not purchased a card-in fact, when I joked that he could make me one before I got home, he told me he was too busy playing a computer game and wouldn't have time, but that he loved me anyway. I sadly resigned myself to not having any token of my love's affection, but told myself, "Hey, he DOES love you, and it's a silly commercial holiday anyway." When I got home, I set down my purse and coat (as I always do), and walked into the living room to let the dogs outside, when I saw this:

(Please ignore the messy coffee table.) ("Bunny" is our pet name to each other)

Needless to say, I was surpised beyond belief! My roses were absolutely beautiful, my puppy adorable, and my card made me weep (with joy, of course). I love surprises, and my honey certainly pulled one over on me! After almost 12 years together, he never ceases to amaze me. I guess that's what keeps the romance alive.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone!!

More photos:

18 Gorgeous long stemmed roses, a "love puppy" and card that made me weep

Me with my roses.

Natalee and the Love Puppy (so soft!)

Reading my lovely card.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Chicks Rule and Freedom of Speech Wins!

Although I didn't watch the Grammy's last night (Jake and I were celebrating V-Day early), I was more than pleased to find out that the Dixie Chicks won all 5 of their nominated categories, and I don't care if they won for political reasons or not. Their album (Taking the Long Way) is actually a really great album, and it's not unreasonable to think that they won based upon artistic merit. However, if the vote was political, it's nice to see someone be rewarded (albeit, a bit late, IMO) for actually speaking out, and not forced to maintain the "status quo". I've always been a fan of the Chicks, and have become an even bigger fan since the entire snafu.

For anyone who thinks that celebrities shouldn't be spouting their political beliefs, I ask you "Why not?". Just because they are famous, doesn't take away the fact that they are also Americans, who are protected under the rights of Free Speech-the same rights you and I have. Don't other bloggers (like myself) express their political and social opinions in a public forum, and aren't many of them now infamous because of their blogs? What's the difference there? Or with a newscaster making political commentary? The simple fact is, there isn't one. Let us all not become the mindless lemmings who follow the propaganda blindly without informing ourselves of the real issues, and of what's important to ourselves as individuals. What's right for you may not be right for me, but we should all become educated on WHY we believe what we do, and I mean REALLY educated-not just listening to others' opinions, but forming our own based on real research from all sources. And don't be afraid to listen to a differing opinion, because you might actually learn something. If our Founding Fathers had not found their voice, and became famous dissidents, then there wouldn't be an America. Because they spoke out against what they felt was a tyrannical ruler, and they stood up for their beliefs, and were willing to fight for them, we now have the right and privilege to do the same. Let us honor them by following their great example.

*Rant over*

I Would Spend 3 or 4 Lines...

I love this song.

Quarterback Stink

I wish I could say that I pity Rex Grossman, because in Chicago he's now persona non grata-but, I can't. Damn, I really wanted my Bears to win, too.

Well, guess there's always next year.

PS: I love me some Prince; yes, sir I do.