Monday, February 20, 2006

Feeling "The Funk"

And I'm not talking about a George Clinton and Parliament kind of funk.

Once again, I'm going through one of my "downer" phases, always related to my infertility struggle. The older I get, the worse it gets, because I feel like time is running out for me. I know, I'm only 28, and others, like my friend Kellie, are in their 40's and having children, so I shouldn't give up hope. But, just like I always had the overwhelming sense that I would have fertility problems, I know that if I don't conceive via IVF by the time I'm 32-33, it's not gonna happen for me, and that makes me incredibly sad. Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

Please, don't think I'm bashing on adoption, or that I'm not even considering it, I am. It's just that for us, we feel the need to at least try IVF before being able to emotionally let go of our biological urge to procreate and move on to adoption. I think adoption is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and I've known a lot of people to take this route when creating a family, and they are extremely happy with their decision. I wish I could do the same, but for whatever reason, I have this overwhelming need to carry life within me, and give birth to that life. Therein lies the difference. I know I am fully capable of loving and accepting an adopted child no differently than a biological one, but I would regret not trying IVF for the rest of my life if we didn't take that step. I would forever play the "what if" game.

I was watching "Parenthood" last night on cable. I really love that movie, but it left me feeling so, so, sad. Watching the interactions of the parents with the kids, and all the drama that having a family entails, yet all the love at the same time, is so touching. The movie reiterated just how badly I want Jake and I to be parents. I know he'll make such a fabulous father, and I'm sure I'll be a great mom. It breaks my heart that we're having to go through this. That any of us have to. It sucks, sucks, SUCKS!!!

So, while I'm going through this "phase" I'll be in "cocoon" mode, where I insulate myself from the world for awhile, at least until I can get a better grip on my emotions. I hope to be back soon. Thanks for understanding.

(PS: I've re-opened the comments section again.)

4 comments:

Stephanie said...

i am so glad you posted about your funk. i usually end up blogging the Apology Post AFTER the Funk has lifted...it's great that you know yourself well enough to see it coming! I just want to encourage you to continue to be true to yourself! I think it is amazing that you can be honest with yourself and pursue what your heart tells you! Great job!!
loves

Holly G. said...

Yes, I agree with you. You need to at least try it.

I did 4 IVF's and 1 FET resulting in 3 m/c's and finally we decided to adopt. Enough was enough and I am totally at peace with our decision to stop trying.

The funny thing is, now that we just received a referral of our baby girl who was born in Guatemala on February 10, I would not have it any other way. As soon as I saw her picture I was so happy we decided to adopt.

I know that I needed to go through everything I did to get where I am right now. It is normal to get into funks. I was in a three year funk that only ended on the day I saw my baby girls picture, which happened to be five days ago.

Keep on keepin' on.

Kellie said...

Natalee,

Being in a funk is completely understandable.

I know that having seen so many graduate at one time on teh other message board had to make things worse.

I'm here for you sweetie.

erinberry said...

My husband and I felt that way too, for awhile – that we might regret not having tried IVF if we went straight into adoption. We each ended up changing our minds about that, but everyone is different. If you need to try IVF, then you definitely should – You and your husband will do what’s best for your family and emotional well-being.