Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Stepping Out Into The Sun

I know I have been extremely remiss in posting to this blog, but it is for a good reason. No, unfortunately, I'm not pregnant, however I am.....happy. Well and truly happy with my life right now.

For so long, I have allowed infertility to rule my every waking thought. For seven years my inability to bear a child has consumed me, made me less of a person. I couldn't truly enjoy my life and all there was in it. There was always a bitterness that tinged whatever joy I could find. I hated how the blackness of my depression would creep up on me at the most unexpected times. I forgot who I used to be.

No longer. Since our vacation, I have slowly begun to find myself again-the me I was so long ago, before this baby race began. I find myself able to hear about a friend's pregnancy without wincing, to watch happy families together without that tug in my heart, to make love to my husband without thinking about sperm counts, ovulation, temperatures. There is definitely a freedom in letting go and finding yourself. I keep myself busy with activities with my family and friends, and find myself planning for the future, without automatically including children in that equation.

That's not to say that I'm giving up on being a mother-not by any means. I fully intend to have children someday. However, I've let go of it being the sole purpose in my life. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with myself now, and as I take these tottering steps towards that future, I am filled with a hope I've never felt before.

So, you ask, where does that leave this blog? Well, I'm just going to shift gears for awhile and post about whatever's in my head at the moment, and lately, that's been politics. So, you may find that I'm taking a completely different direction then what you had expected. However, this blog is, and always has been, a form of catharsis for me-and I've got a lot on my mind, other than infertility, that I need to get out.

Now, I will eventually get around to doing those detailed vacation posts, but suffice it to say we had an absolutely marvelous time, and yes, Kellie, I did get my Papaw's knife back, I'm happy to report.

Until next post, I wish you all the peace and joy you can find in your life.......


Kellie said...

I'm glad you got your Pawpaw's knife back!

I'm happier you are feeling happy in your life. I so recall those bitter feelings and it is so hard to try to overcome that.

Hope I don't sound like one of those smug you know what's.

Can't wait to hear more of your vacation!

erinberry said...

It's wonderful that you're feeling so happy and are enjoying life!

The_Aitch said...

I can't believe what a dense bitch I have been. I apologize.

Sara said...

Strangely enough, when I "let go" of the TTC battle, at least in my head, I got knocked up. Here is to that working!