Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Always the Bridesmaid...

....never the mother. Ok, so that didn't exactly make sense, but I couldn't think of a better analogy.

I belong to a support group for those suffering from primary infertility. I've been a member of this group for almost 4 years now. In that time, I've seen many women come and go, most by successfully achieving their dreams of motherhood, either through ART or adoption. However, there are a few of us "core" ladies who have been unfortunate enough to still be around, even after all of these years. Some of these women have been on this board much longer than I, and I've always hoped for the best for them.

Today, I found out that two of these women received positive betas from their recent ART cycles. These are women with whom I have shared my ups and downs with during this long, painful "journey" (I hate that word) of infertility, and I consider them to be my friends. So, of course I was happy to read of their success, and I hope that their pregnancies result in beautiful, healthy children. However, I can also admit that my joy is greatly tinged with bitterness, jealousy, and sadness for myself. Most of the women on the board are currently undergoing treatment or are in the process of adoption, and here I am, stuck always in perpetual limbo. I feel like I will never get to get on that horse and ride off into the sunset with my baby. I'm now three months away from hitting the 7 year mark of TTC. For fuck's sake, if Jake and I didn't have infertility issues, we could have a 6 year old by now!!! Do you have any idea how painful that is for me to think of that?!? When is it my turn?! I'm sick and fucking tired of waiting; waiting for money, for insurance, for jobs, so that we can finally pursue our goals of parenthood. I don't have TIME to wait!!!

Jake and I sat around Christmas Day, after everyone left, and were both filled with sadness that yet another holiday had gone by without our own children. I enjoyed watching my foster sisters, nephew and niece rip into their presents, but I want to see MY kids doing that. It is so fucking hard to endure this year, after year, after year. Every Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas comes and goes without my child. I hate seeing my husband and I so sad during what should be some of the happiest times with our families. We want to make a family of our own, and we can't. And that sucks so damn bad, that unless you've gone through this yourself, you'll never know what I'm talking about.

Excuse me while I go and mend my broken heart once again.....

1 comment:

Shell said...

Natalee,
I know this comment is a few weeks late, but your post really touched me. I am soo sorry you are going through this. You, out of all the people in this whole crazy world, deserve to be a mother. I wish I had the answers and I really don't want to give you any of those cliches you probably hear all the time, cause I know they don't help. I just wanted you to know that you and Jake are in my thoughts.