I haven't posted lately for two reasons: one, I've been really busy between work and school, and two, I've been too fucking depressed. For Pete's sake, I was watching "Kindergarten Cop" on cable the other day and started weeping upon viewing the sweet visages of the little 5 year old actors. I thought "I'll never even have a child to put in kindergarten!". How fucking pathetic is that, I ask you? I don't know why I'm once again going through this grief cycle of depression and thoughts that it will never happen for us. I thought I had got to the point of acceptance, and that it would happen eventually, but apparently not. It breaks my husband's heart to see me cry, especially when there's nothing he can do about it, so I try to hide the tears from him. I know, you're thinking I should share everything with him, and for the most part I do. But, if your husband were the primary cause of your infertility, would you want to further emasculate him by weeping over his inability to get you pregnant? No, I didn't think so. I adore my husband. He is my light, my soul, my breath, and I would never deliberately hurt him, so I bottle it all up.
You want to know what really broke my heart yesterday? Seeing him hold a 4 week old infant girl in his arms, and wishing that was our daughter he was holding so gently. Where's the crystal ball that will let me know when this is going to happen for us?! Six fucking years is too long too wait!!!!
So, yesterday I played "pretend mommy" to the 4 week old I previously mentioned. This baby, along with her sisters are staying with my mother in a foster situation, although we know the family. (For privacy reasons, I can't say more than that.) Anyway, my SIL and I were supposed to run errands together, and she decided to bring the baby along, since my nephew (her son) was going with my mother and the older girls to watch my uncle play baseball. She did call and ask if that was ok first, because she didn't want me to be upset. I was fine with it, and I enjoyed seeing the baby. When we went out, I carried the baby around, since my SIL is 33 weeks pregnant, so of course, everyone assumed she was mine. You wouldn't believe the amount of random strangers who either talked to me or smiled in passing, just because I had a newborn with me. Then, when we went out to eat, our waitress decided to tell us all about her 6 kids. All this, just because people assumed I was in their "Secret Society of Mommies". I seriously doubt any of these people would've given me the time of day had I not had the baby with me. Which is really sad, because I am a pleasant person, and I'm sure I'd have much more in common with these women than motherhood. My SIL was really shocked at the noticeable change in how others treated me, and she thinks it's just as unfair and ridiculous as I do.
Why is it, that just because I don't have a baby, I'm nothing to society? My SIL and I worked out the hierarchy of the Secret Society. It goes like this: Women with Infants, Pregnant Women, Women with Toddlers, Women with Older Children, Women Who Are Just Starting To TTC, Those who are in the Adoption Process, and then Infertiles, like me. Yep, the shit certainly does roll down hill. What the Fuck?! Why can't we all just be WOMEN and be nice and support each other no matter what? The feminist in me does not get this exclusionary attitude.
How about you? Any experiences like these? Or, once you had children, did you notice a change in how others treated you? How did that make you feel? Awaiting your answers....