Sunday, March 13, 2005

Yet More Proof That I Am Unworthy By Society's Standards

I haven't posted lately for two reasons: one, I've been really busy between work and school, and two, I've been too fucking depressed. For Pete's sake, I was watching "Kindergarten Cop" on cable the other day and started weeping upon viewing the sweet visages of the little 5 year old actors. I thought "I'll never even have a child to put in kindergarten!". How fucking pathetic is that, I ask you? I don't know why I'm once again going through this grief cycle of depression and thoughts that it will never happen for us. I thought I had got to the point of acceptance, and that it would happen eventually, but apparently not. It breaks my husband's heart to see me cry, especially when there's nothing he can do about it, so I try to hide the tears from him. I know, you're thinking I should share everything with him, and for the most part I do. But, if your husband were the primary cause of your infertility, would you want to further emasculate him by weeping over his inability to get you pregnant? No, I didn't think so. I adore my husband. He is my light, my soul, my breath, and I would never deliberately hurt him, so I bottle it all up.

You want to know what really broke my heart yesterday? Seeing him hold a 4 week old infant girl in his arms, and wishing that was our daughter he was holding so gently. Where's the crystal ball that will let me know when this is going to happen for us?! Six fucking years is too long too wait!!!!

So, yesterday I played "pretend mommy" to the 4 week old I previously mentioned. This baby, along with her sisters are staying with my mother in a foster situation, although we know the family. (For privacy reasons, I can't say more than that.) Anyway, my SIL and I were supposed to run errands together, and she decided to bring the baby along, since my nephew (her son) was going with my mother and the older girls to watch my uncle play baseball. She did call and ask if that was ok first, because she didn't want me to be upset. I was fine with it, and I enjoyed seeing the baby. When we went out, I carried the baby around, since my SIL is 33 weeks pregnant, so of course, everyone assumed she was mine. You wouldn't believe the amount of random strangers who either talked to me or smiled in passing, just because I had a newborn with me. Then, when we went out to eat, our waitress decided to tell us all about her 6 kids. All this, just because people assumed I was in their "Secret Society of Mommies". I seriously doubt any of these people would've given me the time of day had I not had the baby with me. Which is really sad, because I am a pleasant person, and I'm sure I'd have much more in common with these women than motherhood. My SIL was really shocked at the noticeable change in how others treated me, and she thinks it's just as unfair and ridiculous as I do.

Why is it, that just because I don't have a baby, I'm nothing to society? My SIL and I worked out the hierarchy of the Secret Society. It goes like this: Women with Infants, Pregnant Women, Women with Toddlers, Women with Older Children, Women Who Are Just Starting To TTC, Those who are in the Adoption Process, and then Infertiles, like me. Yep, the shit certainly does roll down hill. What the Fuck?! Why can't we all just be WOMEN and be nice and support each other no matter what? The feminist in me does not get this exclusionary attitude.

How about you? Any experiences like these? Or, once you had children, did you notice a change in how others treated you? How did that make you feel? Awaiting your answers....


Sara said...

I am so sorry you are feeling down, sweetie.

First off, yes, if you have read my old posts, you know how my treatment changed once everyone HAD kids around me, like I was not smart enough to understand their new motherly lingo.

Second, I should go back and read some of your archives and I know I have most likely missed it, but what are your thoughts on seeking an RE or undergoing fertility treatments? If it is a money factor, say no more, because I am a teacher and FULLY understand. If it were to come to that for us, we would be in trouble.

But it sounds like since you have tried now for that long, maybe some other options may be of success to you!


tracy said...

This reminds me (somewhat) of going out with the 3 kids that I used to babysit. I was 19, they were 2, 4, and 6. I have very dark hair and olive skin. They are blonde, blue-eyed and pale. But people just assumed they were mine. (let's see, carry the 4,,, that means I'd have started having them when I was 13...)

Anyways, I am child-free, by my choice. Where are we in the hierarchy? I answer A LOT of questions about why I'm not hurrying up to have a child or, "but don't you think you'd be a good mother?".. *sigh*

For different reasons, I too am tired of how society looks at a woman without a child on her hip.

Natalee said...

Tracy, great point! Sorry to leave the childfree-by-choice (or not)out. Unfortunately, society would probably place you at the bottom, which is absolutely ridiculous. I admire those who know themselves well enough to know that they are comfortable with a life without kids. And, I think people who believe that all childfree'rs hate children are equally moronic. Sometimes, I wish I could make that decision, but, then I wouldn't be true to who I am. I think it's great that in today's society, accepted or not, we are free as women to make that choice. Thanks for checking out my means alot that even those who don't desire to be mothers can sympathize with those of us who are desperate to be.