Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

I had my first adoption dream last night. It was brief, but wonderful.

I dreamt that we had adopted a bi-racial (Hispanic/CA) little girl as an infant, and my dream was taking place when she was 20 months old. I remember trying to wipe some chocolate off her face, and when I told her it was time for a bath, she said "No, Mama! No bath!" I just laughed and told her "Too bad, baby. You're getting one anyway."

I suppose somehow in my dream I knew that Jake and I were supposed to go away for a weekend-our first since our daughter's arrival into our lives. We were going to leave her with my mother, but as I was drying my daughter off, Jake came in the bathroom and said, "I don't think I can leave her." I looked at him, then our daughter and said, "I don't think I can, either."

It left me feeling so full of love and happiness. Just the idea of my child is enough to warm my heart. Our child is most likely not even conceived yet, however, s/he is alive and well within me-my mind and heart. I see children, and now, where there used to be bitterness that they weren't mine, there is now hope and joy, and the wonder whether my child will resemble them.

Just to feel positive, and yes, even alive again, is a feeling I wouldn't trade for the world. The only thing better than this will be when I'm holding my child in my arms for the first time.

To Whom It May Concern:

If you are the person who reached this blog via googling "dry hump pregnancy", thank you. I really needed a good laugh on a Monday morning.

Seriously though, what does dry humping during pregnancy have to do with my blog? I don't recall discussing this topic, do you? However, now that you ask, I say, just go for it. Obviously, it's too late to prevent a pregnancy, so why not just go for the full she-bang? The cow's already been let out of that barn, so there's no sense in closing the door now! Unless you're referring to something like "Can you get pregnant by dry humping?" Then, it depends. If there is ejaculation involved by the male, then there is always a slight possibility. If you want to avoid pregnancy, stay away from the sperm at all costs! This includes the pre-ejaculate. Don't let any of the "babyjuice" near your vagina! Thoroughly wash your/his hands after engaging in petting, but before allowing the boy to "pet" you. Unless, of course, you're infertile, then it doesn't really matter, does it? However, stranger things have happened, I mean, look at my friend Aimee-she got pregnant while using a condom-one that didn't break! So, kids, just remember: if you're willing to engage in sexual activity, you've got to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions.

And that's your Sex Ed lecture of the day! Carry on, now!

Me!Me!

Taken from The Aitch:

1. FIRST NAME? Natalee

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes. My first name is combination of letters from my mother's and grandmother's names, and my middle name is after my father.

3. LAST CRY? Yesterday, at the fair, when I was kicked off a ride, because my boobs were too big for the safety harness. Talk about embarrassment!

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? If I take my time, then yes. When I'm in a hurry, my scrawl is pretty illegable.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Honey Ham

6. KIDS? None yet, but we hope to have one home within the next 2 years or so!

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? What kind of question is that? How much self-loathing do you have to have to not want to be friends with yourself? Anyway-sure, why not? Other people are!

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Just the blog.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? You think?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Hell to the No!

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Cookie Crisp, Corn Pops, Cocoa Pebbles, Raisen Bran

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Nah, I'm a wuss.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Strawberry-although my new obsession is coffee flavor

16. SHOE SIZE? 8.5-9

17. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I have a big mouth and speak before I think (I'm the same way, A!)

18. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Papaw

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I'm not wearing pants or shoes right now!!! Aiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!! The visual!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm wearing my night-shirt people!)

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Gwen Stefani-Love, Angel, Music, Baby on my 'puter.

21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Periwinkle Blue

22. FAVORITE SMELL? Food cooking, my husband's scent, a baby's head.

23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My SIL, yesterday.

24. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Dark eyes and hair-I'm a sucker for them, especially if the guy is skinny/athletic.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I stole it from A, and I loves her!

26. FAVORITE DRINK? non-alcoholic: sweet tea (I'm southern, people!); alcoholic: Vanilla Twist (Smirnoff Vanilla, Amaretto, and Bailey's Irish Cream-DeLish!)

27. FAVORITE SPORT? OU Sooners football; OKC Blazers Hockey

28. EYE COLOR? Blue

29. HAT SIZE. Dunno, I buy the adjustable hats.

30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes, but I mostly wear my glasses now.

31. FAVORITE FOOD? Anything with carbs. Mostly of the Mexican, Italian, or Chinese variety.

32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings-I'm a romatic sucker.

33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? The Covenant

34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White (hey, at least I'm wearing a shirt!)

35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall or Spring.

36. HUGS OR KISSES? Both please

37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Does the word "chocolate" mean anything to you?

38.WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? 1776, Darcy & Elizabeth, and Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA-simultaniously-I love to read.

39. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A built-in gel wristpad.

40. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV ? A documentary about the Secret Service on the National Geographic channel, Oh! and Mallrats on "On Demand" (I *heart* Kevin Smith movies)

41. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SOUNDS? My husband's voice, birds chirping, kids laughing.

42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Beatles.

43. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? NYC, NY

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Paducah, KY

Feel free to steal this from me! BUT, let me know that you did, so I can check out YOUR MeMe!!

I Have No Lid Upon My Head, But If I Did...

...you could look inside and see what's on my mind (Let You Down-Dave Matthews Band).

And what's on my mind is, of course, adoption.

I never realized how confusing and overwhelming just the decision making process would be! Domestic vs. International vs. Foster/Adopt. Infant or toddler? Singleton or sibling group? Which country? What about the Hague convention? Costs? Documentation?

All of these thoughts are racing willy-nilly through my head, spinning out of control. All that I do know for sure is that I'm ready to bring a child home and be a mom. It's the process of getting there that's hard. Not that I thought it would be easy, mind you. I just didn't think I would have such a hard time making the proper decisions. Which, honestly, is stupid considering this is, quite frankly, the BIGGEST decision I'll ever make in my life!

I've tried joining a few adoption groups on Yahoo, but they've really not been much help, especially considering how early I am in the process. Plus, there's the added burden of costs. We don't own a home that we could take out an equity loan on, and although there is the adoption tax credit, you still have to pony up the money yourself before you can even take the credit-money we don't have right now. I've looked into information about adoption fundrasiers, but a part of me is reluctant to participate. I can't even put a finger on why, especially since I pony up money all of the time for fundraisers for charity or for my co-worker's kids' school. I'm all about helping my fellow man, I just get all squicky when it comes to asking for help for myself. I suppose that comes from my independent nature. Plus, I feel like I have to "prove" something to myself and others by going it alone-I always have. Perhaps it's because I was raised by a mother who has always been co-dependent and relied heavily on the system to help her provide for her children (thanks to my drunk-ass father who never felt the need to support his family-but enough about my "daddy" issues), or just some part of my personality that always makes me reluctant to ask for help. I've been on my own since I was 17, and have tried my damnedest not to rely on others (besides Jake, for obvious reasons) to make it through life. I don't think it is necessarily a bad trait to have, in fact, I hope my children are just as independent in nature as Jake and I are.

Anyway, back to my dilemma. Obviously I'm sending up many wishes for Jake to secure a better paying job; one that would allow us to buy a home and afford the costs associated with adoption, but every day that passes by, the more impatient I become (patience is not one of my virtues), but here is what I do know so far:

1. I really, really, really, really, want to adopt an infant or baby. But really, an infant. I know to some this may seem selfish, but I look at it this way: even though I cannot birth my children, I still want to be there for as many moments as possible after said birth. I would also love to name my own child, have a nursery, baby shower, etc.-all the things birth parents get to do. I don't have a problem with toddlers or small children either, because I love kids, but at least for my first child, I'd love to have a baby, just to experience all the "firsts" for myself. Which, pretty much leaves domestic infant or Guatemala for my adoption choices. There is a chance I could get an infant through the foster/adopt program, but it's not likely.

2. For international, I really love the idea of Guatemala or Russia, however, I'm really scared by what I'm reading in regards to the Hague Convention. Is this going to make international adoption more expensive? Or, will I not be able to adopt from those countries at all? Anyone?

3. I'm scared, people. Scared shitless. Scared that if we go domestic or foster/adopt that the birthparents will change their minds, or be able to get their child(ren) back. The idea of losing a child that I thought would be mine forever is the most frightening aspect of adopting. The fear of loss is also what kept me up at night in regards to IVF-the "what ifs" about miscarriage, bad embryos, implantation issues,etc, after going through all of those medical procedures that cost as much as adoption, is really part of what turned me off from IVF. While I know adoption is never easy, and that there is a chance of a failed placement, the odds of me actually coming home with a child are greater than those of IVF. Of course, the whole idea of birthparents not being around to change their minds is what appeals to me with international. It's not that I'm anti-birthparent, I'm just anti-having-my-heart-and-bank-account-broken-by-a-failed-placement.

4. If we end up going the domestic infant route, I know there is the question regarding open adoption. I feel that I would only be comfortable with sending letters and photos to the b-parents through a facilitator. I would also be open to receiving letters from the b-parents for my child to have when we all feel the time is right. I know myself (and Jake) well enough to know that we're not at all able to embrace 100% open adoption. However, I realize what a wonderful gift my child would be, what a tremendous sacrifice this is for the b-parents, and how someday, my child will be curious about their background; so I feel I could not deny my child and his/her birthparents the opportunity to know something about each other.

Do you see why I'm so confused?

For all of my friends out there in the blogosphere and internet who have adopted, how did you make these decisions? Why did you choose your particular path to adoption? If you're comfortable with sharing the info, how did/are you affording the costs involved? Please, share anything you can think of; I'm desperate here!

Thanks in advance!

5 Years Ago (A Memory)

This is so hard to type without tearing up-the memories of that day are as fresh in my mind as if it were yesterday, and not 5 years ago.

On that beautiful morning, I was awoken by the sound of the phone ringing. Stumbling into the living room of our 1 bedroom apartment, I picked up the phone to hear my mother sobbing hysterically on the other end. Thinking something had happened to one of my grandparents, I asked what was wrong. I remember her choking out that planes had hit the World Trade Centers.....and the Pentagon. Terrorists were attacking America.

My heart dropped to my stomach. My husband's father and brother both worked in the Pentagon.

A low wail and the sounds of me screaming "NO! NO! Dear God NO!!" summoned Jake to my side. Knowing that there was no way I relate this life-altering information to my husband, I numbly handed the phone to him so that my mother could be the one to tell him that his father and brother could very well be injured or dead. I immediately clicked on the t.v., and the images of the Towers, with smoke pouring out of them will haunt me forever. (I still cannot view those images without bursting into tears.)

The full enormity of the situation was just starting to sink in, and we frantically tried to call his family, but all the lines were tied up. We sat and watched and waited to hear the news, all the while desperately watching for any view of the Pentagon where we could see where the planes had hit, because Jake knew where his father's office was located. I was pretty convinced that the side that was hit was not where his dad's office was, but that still was not reassuring. Especially since his brother (and friends he'd made while working there) could be anywhere on a tech call.

For over five hours we waited, still trying to get through on the line when, finally, after dialing for the millionth time, the phone rang and Jake's stepmother answered to give us the news we'd been waiting to hear: they were both ok. To say that we were elated does not even begin to describe what we felt that day.

Despite the horror of watching the Towers fall, and knowing how many people would lose their lives that day, we were overjoyed knowing that the loss would not be ours to bear. Our thoughts turned to our friends in DC and NY, thankfully, as we later found out, all of whom were ok as well. I know we are extraordinarily lucky-knowing as many people in those locations, and none of whom were lost. My heart still aches for those who were not as fortunate as we were.

Just a few months ago, Jake and I sat down and finally watched the made for t.v. movie/documentary about United 93. I had DVR'ed it on 9/11 last year, but could not bring myself to watch it at the time. We sat and watched, both of sobbing throughout most of the picture. We are both still greatly affected by the images and sounds of that fateful day. I wish I could find a way to have peace in my heart about it, but it's too hard right now, even five years later. This is the second act of terrorism I had lived through. As you may know, I live in Oklahoma City, and was supposed to be *in* the Murrah Building at 9 am when that bomb went off. 11 years later, I am still emotionally scarred. My office window looks out over the Memorial site. And while I'm more peaceful now than I was before about that time, it still bothers me when April 19th rolls around. Now, I have another date to add to my collective dread-September 11.

My heart and mind and loving thoughts are with all Americans today, especially those who suffered a loss in New York, Pennsylvania, and DC. You are forever in my heart....

The Big Annoucement

Ok, deep breath, here goes:

JAKEANDIAREGOINGTOADOPT!!!!!

Oh, sorry, too fast? Here it is again:

JAKE AND I ARE GOING TO ADOPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, I'm so, so, so super psyched!! He and I had a nice conversation on Friday night about our plans for life, and where we wanted to be in the next couple of years when he dropped the bomb on me that YES, he was *FINALLY* ready for adoption!! I'm all teary-eyed thinking about it.

It's so crazy because he was the one who was the hold out for a biological child, but now he says he's really taken the time to think about it, and knows that biology isn't important, and he'll love an adopted child no differently than a biological one. He doesn't even care about race or if the child is an infant. I myself admit that I'd love to have an infant, only because I really want to experience raising a child from as close to birth as possible, since I won't be the one giving birth.

So, for now, we're still formulating our "adoption plan", but I'm thinking we'll either go foster/adopt (like my parents did with my sisters) or private domestic. The biggest restriction will be costs-as you all know, my broke self can't afford a super-expensive anything.

This is where you all come in. Please, if you know where I should look for research, what I should be doing, ANYTHING-please leave me a comment. I have no clue as to where to start. Mind you, we'd really like to buy a house first, because there is no way we have room for a child in our little 2 bedroom duplex that we currently reside in. So, I'm really looking at a 2 year time frame. However, just to be able to say "I'm adopting" out loud and to start to formulate those plans makes me feel so happy and excited-like I'm finally going to be a mom!!!!!

I haven't shared our news with family and friends yet (sorry if you're finding out by reading this), but we will soon. In fact, my brother, SIL and the kids are coming over for dinner tonight, and I plan to tell them then.

I feel like dancing around in circles, arms wide open, face up to the sun, laughing with joy!

I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the ONLY Positive Things About Infertility and Childlessness Is:

Getting to sleep in and lie (lay?) around all weekend long. Even though I'd trade that privilege in a heartbeat to have a child of my own, I'm sure looking forward to it this weekend.

Seriously, I'm exhausted; and I think I'm coming down with a cold. Yuck.

Is it Friday yet?

I'm Meeeellllllllllllllllting!!!!

....but in a good way!!

I discovered the most fantastic thing this weekend-I've lost weight!! Although, I really can't tell by what the number on my scale says since that thing has been consistently unreliable (of course what do I expect from a $5 scale?).

However, yesterday, when I went to put on a pair of my (freshly washed) jeans, I didn't have to suck my gut in, nor did they feel tight anywhere!! For a big girl like myself, this is HUGE (pun intended)!! And then today, when putting on a pair of black cotton slacks that usually are a bit snug in the hip and butt area, they actually fit like they were supposed to!

*Sings* "Oh Happy Day, (oh happy day), Oh Happy Day, (oh happy day)"

I know the whole reason behind my miraculous transformation is my new 2nd job. You should see the sweat I work up while cleaning!! It's actually kind of gross-it's like someone has turned a faucet on at the top of my head, because it literally pours down my face. I've never been one to perspire in a delicate, lady-like fashion.

This is truly wonderful news for me, and goes right along with my "Thin by 30!!" campaign for myself. I've got 13 months, 3 weeks and 2 days to get down to a size 12 (my goal size). I've spent all of my 20's fat, and I'll be damned if I spend my 30's onward that way! I'm going to be healthy and good looking!!

In other news: as always, my 3 day weekend was entirely too short. Saturday, I attended by 10 year-old sister's birthday party, where we (me, my bf Aimee, and SIL) were supposed to give the girls "makeovers". Let me just say that I now see what everyone gets in a tizzy about when it comes to little girls looking up to celebrities like Britney Spears. My sister was imitating Britney while dancing to some of her songs, and I was shocked to see a 10 year old little girl move so provocatively. I wanted to lock her up until she was 18!!! I told that in no way should she EVER dance like that outside the house!! Needless to say, I had a bit of a "chat" with my mother about this, and she was just as concerned as I was. Poor kid, now she'll be lucky to get out of the house until she is 18. I spent Sunday with Aimee and her family at a bar-b-que at her Aunt's home. It was a nice gathering, and I felt right at home. We sang karaoke until 11, when we wrapped things up and went home. Monday was spent with my hubby (finally). We slept in, played video games (SimCity 4 for me, No-Limit Texas Hold 'em for him), then saw 2 movies at the theatre-something we haven't done in a couple of months. We saw: "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby". "Little Miss Sunshine" was good, and I really enjoyed seeing Steve Carrell in a dramatic role. I have a soft spot for indies, and this one is worth seeing. "Talladega Nights" was just ok-Jake wanted to leave half-way through, but I made him stay. Unfortunately, as is the case with a lot of these comedies, the funniest parts are shown in the previews. I think it's definitely worth a rental, just not the full theatre price.

That's pretty much it for now! I'll try to post again sometime this week, but don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a few days. I'm a busy, busy, gal! Hope your weekends were equally relaxing!

Don't You Forget About Me

I'm super busy right now between the two jobs and home life, but I'll be back as soon as possible!

My Subconscious Is An Asshole (and other various observations)

Over the weekend, I fell into a funk over a dream that I'd had. "What kind of dream", you ask? Well, a baby dream, of course!!

I dreamt that I'd finally given birth, yet I refused to believe that the precious being in my arms was real. Everyone in the dream kept telling me that "Yes, you really did have a baby!" and I kept telling them that it wasn't possible, that this must all be a dream. To prove my point, I opened the curtains on a window in the birthing suite, and outside that window was: South America. (don't ask me how I knew it was South America, I just did, ok?) I proclaimed that I didn't live in S. America, therefore this really was a dream. And instantly I awoke. Why the funk? Well, because in the dream there were genuine moments of emotion where I felt overwhelmed with love for this tiny baby, and I wanted it to be true with all my heart.

Also, I keep having nightmares-which is really weird since I used to hardly ever have them. So, see-my subconscious really is an asshole!
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I've never seen "When Harry Met Sally". This, despite my love for the rom-com genre. Does this make me weird?
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I was looking at my sitemeter yesterday, and made the following observations:

The #1 Google-linked hit to my blog: I hate Angelina Jolie.

Ok folks, I don't really hate Angie-the post was tongue-in-cheek. So, I'm really sorry if you came here looking for some "Team Aniston" support, 'cause you won't find it here. Not that I wish Jen ill, in fact, I hope she and Vince work out-it's just that I didn't take sides in the initial fray. And really, why are you taking the time to Google this? Do you truly despise a celebrity that much? Interesting....

The #2 Google-linked hit to my blog: Vericocile

Hey, I understand what you're going through, and I'm really sorry to "hear" about your fertility problems. I hope the surgery (should you/your partner elect to do it) works out, and that you'll be as fertile as a, well, um....fertile person! Best of luck to you!

Some other referrals are still coming from that debacle I was involved with awhile back-you know the one I'm referring to-and if you don't you'll just have to wonder, because I will not rehash it here. It's done, it's over with-move on rubberneckers! Seriously-GO AWAY!! I don't need the site traffic, I'm perfectly happy with the 5 or so people who read this blog on a regular basis, it leaves me more space to speak my mind, without as much censorship. I'm sorry if you came here looking for a "trainwreck", and all you found was a "crazy" liberal with a penchant for all things 80's and an empty uterus. I sooo hate to disappoint you, truly.
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I'm starting my 2nd job tonight. You know...the one I mentioned earlier that I would be interviewing for? Anyway, finances being what they currently are in my household, I thought it prudent to acquire additional funds through gainful employment before I was forced to the poor-house. The job is cleaning an elementary school from 6-9 pm, Monday-Friday, excluding school holidays. My friend, Aimee, and I teamed up to do this together, and it's going to be a lot easier than what it sounds. All we basically have to do is vacuum/mop the floors, wipe down sinks, and stock toilet paper and paper towels. The school is not a large one, so we'll probably get it down to being there for only 2 hours. It's not going to be a lot of money, but every little bit helps, ya know! Besides, it's better to make money (and get some exercise in the process!) rather than sit on my ass at home watching t.v. and doing nothing each night.


Ok, well, that's it in a nutshell! Lemme know if there's anything else your inquiring minds want to know, and I'll see what I can come up with!

Friday Funny

Effin' EMO kids...can't stand 'em!!

Working For The Weekend

"I need more COWBELL!"

Never underestimate the power of the cowbell to set a song off right. Have a great weekend!

Love, Love, Love.....

In honor of "Love Thursday", I present to you:

This is my favorite picture of Jake and I. It was taken at his brother's wedding, June 2002. We had no idea the picture was taken, and when my mother-in-law sent it to me for my birthday that year, I burst into tears upon viewing it because I thought we looked so in love. Everyone who views this photo (in its frame) says that it looks like the paper photos that come with the frame.

This photo was taken during our March vacation to California, on the beach in Santa Barbara. I thought it would look great in a scrapbook, plus I'd always wanted to make a cheesy "love heart" in the sand at the beach. In case you can't see, it says "Jake & Natalee '06". I'm streching my arms to show not only how large the heart is, but how much I love my husband.

Bummed *Updated*

I was hoping to post some great news today, but alas, such news did not arrive.

Hubby interviewed last week for a job with **** (major computer company that is now recalling their laptop batteries), and for once, his shy-prone self gave "good interview" and he really felt positive that he would be hired. However, today's deadline for "hearing something" has now come and gone, and nada.

What really sucks is that if he would've been hired, we could've lived off his salary (which would've been more than both of our currently combined incomes) and I could've paid down enormous sums of debt with mine.

I know the longer his job search takes, the more depressed he gets, not to mention the financial strain on us and our relationship. It's very demeaning to him as a man, to be the age he is (31), and not be further along in his career prospects. I know alot of it has to do with our moving back here 6 years ago, especially considering that Oklahoma is definitely not known to be a place where one can easily secure an IT position. However, I really, really, couldn't stay in D.C. another day when I left, and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and/or suicide when I made the decision to leave. Now, I feel guilty that I've screwed us for life.

As much as I love being near my family and friends here in OK, I feel that a move for us inevitable, perhaps even back to D.C. It's come to a point where I'm gonna have to suck it up and go wherever he can land a good-paying job, just so that we can move ahead with our lives.

Sigh. This sucks.

****UPDATED TO ADD****:

Yeah, apparantly my husband, aka he-who-never-checks-his-freakin'-email, missed a "rejection email" from **** that was sent LAST FRIDAY-2 days AFTER he interviewed. Way to go, honey!

So, I guess the search continues!! In the meantime, he's been promoted at one of his 2 jobs to Shift Manager, but it's not much more money, however every bit helps, I suppose. I'm also interviewing for a part-time job on Monday to be a part of a crew cleaning a school from 6-9 pm M-F. My BF, Aimee, and I are going to do this together for a few months to make some extra money--she to pay off debt before she gives birth in March, and me to pay off debt before I have to start paying back my student loans in November. Hopefully this will work out for the best.

Showin' Some Love

My best friend, Aimee, the one I was discussing in this post, has now started her own blog. It's about her pregnancy, and her journey in single-parenthood. She's new to the blogosphere, so I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't mind hopping on over, having a read, and saying "hello".

I think it takes guts for any of us to start our blogs, and put ourselves out there on public display for all. So, I'm just showin' some love and pimpin' out a friend, yo.

Thanks!

Do You Realize??

I *heart* Wayne Coyne!! He's one of the few things about OKC that doesn't suck.

It's Monday...

...that means it's time to laugh at the President:



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh George!! You ARE good for chuckle!! (and that's about ALL you're good for!)

Guess I'm Not Alone After All

I just read Julia's post and comments from yesterday, and honestly it's made me feel a lot better about my own situation. It's so easy to forget that I'm not alone out here in the world with my infertility/family planning issues. We're not the only couple affected by endo and male factor. Nor are we the only infertile couple out there who cannot currently afford treatment or adoption. And we certainly aren't the only couple who can't decide/agree upon on which way is best to build our family.

When you're in that place of frustration, depression, fear, and anger, it's so easy to think you ARE the only one. If it weren't for the "internets", I don't know where I'd be today. Just to know that others are going through the same thing, and understand your pain, even if you don't know each other personally-is so empowering, and gives you some hope in this place of darkness.

My Hot New Summer Jam

I LOVE this song! I think it's so sexy when JT says "I'll let you whip me if I misbehave." Come on over here, Justin, I'll spank you!! LOL!!!!

Brief Explanations

Not to go into too much detail, as I don't like to hash or bash about my marriage or my husband. However, needless to say, we are at a place in our lives where we're having to do some serious re-evaluating of our lives, including the state of our marriage.

This is not to say that we don't love each other, we do-very much and very deeply. However, there are certain things in my life that I am not willing to compromise upon. If I made these compromises or sacrifices, it would only lead to heartache and bitterness for myself and towards my husband, which would dissolve our marriage anyway.

Alot of this is related to our infertility struggles, and our path to parenthood. We are trying to have an open dialog and understand where the other is coming from, but these conversations are never easy, and are frought with strong emotions. And of course, any path to parenthood we choose is financially burdensome to us at this time, when we already have enough debt to deal with-yet, we are getting older, and getting tired of the wait.

So, between the money and baby issues, there is alot of discussions going on in Casa de Libral Loco. I feel as long as we are talking that there's still a chance for us, and it's a chance I have to take.

I'll be ok, and I appreciate all the love and sentiment I'm receiving from you, my friends. It means the world to me.

Why Is It...

Everyone else's life is coming together, just as mine is slowly falling apart?

Cyndi Lauper - She Bop

Here's the video-it's kind of obvious now that I watch it as an adult!

Lyrical Revelations

Here I am, sitting at my computer, listening to yet another of my fabulous mixes-this one is total 80's music. Up comes Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop", a fun, good-time song with a catchy chorus and hook, right? I'd never taken the time to really listen to the lyrics before, I'd just assumed the song was about some sort of bop-type dance that a girl is doing. Suddenly this line: "They say I better stop-or I'll go blind" caught my ear. "Holy Crap!", I thought, this song is about masturbation. Not that there's anything wrong with that at all, but in my innocent childhood, I was singing along and dancing to a song about self-love without even knowing it. Then again, I used to think "Little Red Corvette" was really about a girl driving a fast car. So, there you go.

I submit to you Ms. Lauper's lyrics for your own "pleasure", so to speak:

CYNDI LAUPER lyrics - "She Bop"

(Cyndi Lauper, Stephen Broughton Lunt, Gary Corbett, Rick Chertoff)

We-hell-I see them every night in tight blue jeans -In the pages of a blue boy magazine

Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation

I'm picking up - good vibration -Oop - she bop

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar

Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more

Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine

They say I better stop - or I'll go blind

Oop - she bop - she bop

She bop--he bop--a--we bop

I bop--you bop--a--they bop

Be bop--be bop--a--lu--she bop,

I hope He will understand

She bop--he bop--a--we bop

I bop--you bop--a--they bop

Be bop--be bop--a--lu--she bop,

Oo--oo--she--do--she bop--she bop

(whistle along here)

...Hey, hey - they say I better get a chaperone

Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone

No, I won't worry, and I won't fret

Ain't no law against it yet

Oop - she bop - she bop

She bop - he bop - we bop...

Dear Mr. President

Love her or hate her, this is a great political song for my generation.

Vote Today!!

Attention fellow Okies! Don't forget that today is Primary Election Day. Polls are open until 7 pm, so please be sure to get out and vote!

Our biggest concerns are for the U.S. Congressional seat (5th Dist.) vacated by Ernest Istook (so that he can run a losing campaign for Governor). We MUST rally together and put a Democrat in that seat!!! Other important races: State Senator and Lt. Governor.

November is coming soon, and with it, the crucial mid-term elections. What decisions we make in today's vote will great affect the strength of our campaign to end Republican dominance in this state.

For a full list of all the candidates, please click here (PDF form-you must have the Adobe reader installed to view).

Ticking Away!

So, since I'm not pregnant, can't get pregnant (at least not anytime soon), but want to be a part of the "in" crowd, I got myself one of those "tickers" you see on blogs and bb's all the time.

You know the ones I'm talking about-they count down pregnancies to the due date or say people's children's ages in days, weeks, months and years. My little green monster thought I shouldn't be excluded, sooooo, if you scroll down to the bottom of my page, you'll see a ticker that states my age and counts down the time until my next birthday. Pretty handy, if I say so myself.

DJ Mixmaster N.D.

I love sitting at my home computer (like I am now, duh), playing mindless computer games, like solitaire, and listening to my killer compilation mixes.

My music folder on my computer takes up 12.9 Gigs of space, consisting of 187 folders and 4,278 files of individual songs. That doesn't even count the stuff I have on CD! Needless to say, I'm a music lover of the highest level. Music has always been an important part of my life, and while I know that so passe to say, it's definitely true for me. I'm the daughter of a musician, and from the womb, rhythm and beats have had a profound affect on me. My mother is also a huge music lover, but her taste is nowhere near as diverse or eclectic as mine. In fact, it took my husband to start opening my ears to some diversity. His love of electronic music has played a big factor in what I listen to, especially his own creations. I also managed a CD store for a couple of years and just for kicks, would go around the store, pick out 5 random albums, and put them on shuffle on our in-house stereo system for customers (the overhead music you hear). This is how I learned to love jazz, blues, reggae, and a lot of imports from Europe. Now, I'm in the habit of taking friends' suggestions of bands I've never heard, and taking them for a spin. This has brought me Kasabian, Snow Patrol, The Killers, Keane, Bloc Party, The Flaming Lips, Frou Frou, The Postal Service, Sugarland, and so much more. I buy, I download, I collect. Then, I take that mass synergy of sound and create my own little world to fit whatever mood I'm in.

My mixes are THE SHIT, if I may say so myself. When most people hear my mixes, either on my computer, or in a CD I've made for my car, they're suitably impressed. I'm actually considering starting my own internet radio station, just to share my collection with others, but I need to work out the logistics on that one, such as server usage, file sharing, legalities, etc. Believe it or not, for someone who loves mixes as much as I do, I don't own an iPod. I'm hoping to buy the iPod shuffle for myself when I get the extra $70, just so I can jam out on my lunch break, or to get me off my ass and start walking again. It would definitely make exercise less boring, in my opinion. If I don't have it before, I do hope to get one for my birthday in October. That would be a cool 29th b-day present to myself, or from someone else who wants to spring for it!

Anyway, here's an example of what I'm talking about-this is just a sampling of some of the songs that are in the mix session I'm listening to as I type this:

*So Here We Are-Bloc Party
*The Luckiest-Ben Folds Five
*Hung Up-Madonna
*SexyBack-Justin Timberlake
*Mad World-Gary Jules
*Fade Into You-Mazzy Star
*Moviekiss-Y.O.U.
*Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon
*The Blower's Daughter-Damien Rice
*Golden Years-David Bowie
*Babylon & Please Forgive Me-David Gray
*Take Me Out-Franz Ferdinand
*Crazy-Gnarls Barkley
*Banana Pancakes, Better Together, Flake & Sitting, Waiting, Wishing-Jack Johnson
*Canned Heat-Jamiroquai
*Club Foot-Kasabian
*Never There-Cake
*Karma Police-Radiohead
*Everything & You and Me-Lifehouse
* I know-Jude
*Times Like These-Foo Fighters
*Float On-Modest Mouse
*Love Song-311
*Don't Panic-Coldplay
*In the Waiting Line-Zero
*Let Go-Frou Frou
*If You Leave-OMD
*Porcelain-Moby
*Superman-Five for Fighting
*Don't Dream It's Over-Sixpence None The Richer
*Only-Nine Inch Nails
*Dani California-Red Hot Chili Peppers
*Run-Snow Patrol
*Mr. Brightside-The Killers
*Open Up Your Eyes-Tonic

Over 3 hours of great music!! Seriously though, if anyone wants a mix CD, just tell me what you want on it, or what "mood" you'd prefer, and if you want it in CD or mp3 format, and I'd be glad to burn one and mail it to you.

Ironic, Isn't It?

Just say "NO" to stem cell research vetos!!!

For Erin:

Your blog title says it all:

Congratulations to you and John on the arrival and referral of your new baby daughter!

Because It's Friday...

and I'm in love.

Remember, Kids-Facism Begins At Home!

Hmmmm.....remind you of anything?

Just My Luck

As always, my life wouldn't be mine if I didn't have some sort of drama occurring at all times.

The latest: my best friend is (very) unexpectedly pregnant. Unexpected, not only because she was using a condom, but because in her previous long-term relationship, she did not use condoms, nor birth control, yet never became pregnant (by a man who already had 2 children). So, once again, everyone else but me can breed.

I will admit, I did cry a small bit the day before we confirmed the pregnancy (with a FRED in a Wal-Mart bathroom of all things), because of course, again, it's not me who is pregnant. However, these were not the huge, racking sobs of yesteryear, just a quiet stream running down my face for about 10 minutes. Then, I was over it. And now? I'm very excited. My friend is really involving me, to the point of asking that I be in the delivery room with her. She is also extremely understanding and knows that a part of me is hurting. I *heart* her.

I'm blessed to have such great friends. All of our friends who have found out, have asked her how I'm doing, because they all know about my infertility struggles. The fact that they care, and understand, means a lot to me.

So, I guess I am doing better. Used to be, I would've been devastated by this news, and extremely jealous. Now, I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of a little one to spoil. Big, HUGE, improvement.

In other news, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Doing the same things, day after day, year after year. Nothing changes. Not my job, my activities, nothing. Yet, everyone else seems to have major changes happening in their lives. Jake and I are not making any strides towards improving ourselves. Well, except for his graduation from our 2 yr college. However, he has yet to be offered a job, despite putting out his resume and going on 2 interviews. But, it is partly his fault. He's not networking and putting his resume out there the way he should be. I've already informed him that I cannot be 31, married for 10 years, and not own a house, or be on my way to having a family. He has agreed that it is time for a change, so now he has 2 years to get the ball rolling (that's when I'll be 31 and married for 10 yrs) or else. What that "or else" is, I haven't figured out, but I'm sure it involves a swift kick in the arse from me to him.

I'm sure you are asking yourself: well, what the fuck is her problem? Why can't she get off her ass and do something? Quite frankly, I am. I work full-time, and my salary pays the largest majority of our bills. Also, I've tried going to school, and have completed 3 semesters, but right now my work schedule prohibits me from taking the classes I need to advance in school. I tried it last semester, and ended up having to drop out, because it wasn't working. So, until Jake has a better paying job, allowing me to drop my working hours to part-time, school is on the back burner for me. Also, without a larger salary from Jake, there is no way we can afford IVF or adoption, so that too, is a problem.

Anyway, just wanted to update on what's going on in my life. I'll now return to the videos and political ranting posts.

Karma's a Bitch, Ken!

Well, this is one way to avoid prison!

Enron founder Ken Lay dies of heart attack
Ex-Enron exec convicted of helping perpetuate huge business fraud

Feliz Cuatro de Julio!

Hey everybody! Have a happy, safe, fun-filled 4th! I'll be at my brother's house, doing the typical American traditional thing: swimming, eating grilled hamburgers and hotdogs, watching fireworks at the park, and singing patriotic songs that make me teary-eyed and remind me why I still love my country, even though I may not like the direction it's going in. I also love any occasion where I can spend time with my family, and get paid for not coming to work! Win-win all around! See you Wednesday!

The Next Christina?

Holy crap! This kid's got some pipes! She gave me goosebumps. I think we're looking at the next Christina Aguliera.

This Message Is Brought To You By The "Liberal Agenda"

Did you know, that ..

I'm such a fact geek! I actually knew some of these!

Cleaning House

I've decided to delete alot of my old posts that I feel were either poorly written, just plain stupid, or discuss/mention people I no longer wish to speak of. I also deleted any work-related posts, just in case "The Man" ever came upon my blog.

I'm also going to try and post alot more fun stuff-all part of the new "happier" me! Notice that I have changed part of my header and profile description as well.

Hope you like the changes!

Foo For You!

Is someone getting the best of you?

Fun Time With Celebrities!

This is the funniest shit I have seen in ages! Man, I wish that Britney interview had gone down like that!

No Screech, I will not "Save Your House". Look man, it's called financial responsibility. I can't help it if you spent all of your "Saved By The Bell" money on hookers and blow-I don't see Mark Paul Gosselar or Mario Lopez hittin' me up for dough. Why don't you take the money you're spending on promoting your cause online and use it towards your mortgage? Makes sense to me!

Hilary Duff Is Chaste: Look girlie, if you're really "saving yourself", more power to ya. However, last time I checked anal and oral are also defined as "sex". Oh, and handjobs count, too, so does "dry humping" with your panties on. I knew chicks in high school who got pregnant that way! PS: Eat something, will ya?!

Hey Pete, do us all a favor and OD already, would you? You're obviously not interested in rehab, and we're not amused by your antics anymore.

Dear Lindsay Lohan:

Unless you are in a movie that requires it as some sort of lame plot point, or are auditioning for a part in a revival of "West Side Story", dance-off's are for losers. Really, what do you think you're trying to prove? Oh, look at me! I can shake my ass better than you! Ohhhh...I'm so scared of you now! You're so hard! Just FYI...

xo,

Nat

Food For Thought....

Now, get off your ass, get informed, and get out there and VOTE!!

And, while you're at it, check out this site-interesting reading.

Happy Anniversary, Baby

Eight years ago today, you made your wife.

You've made me so happy, been so supportive, and shown me what unconditional love really is.

I love you, honey. Thank you for marrying me.

Not The Most Conventional Romantic

Jake has never been a "traditional" romantic. Which, despite my ever-loving romantic heart, doesn't bother me. However, he does have his moments-for instance:

* The time he surprised me by sending flowers to my office for my birthday-the first time ever in our relationship that he's done that.

* The time he woke me up at 3 am on Valentine's Day with a dozen roses and a mushy card.

* The time he made reservations-reservations, people!!-to one of the oldest, fanciest restaurants in D.C.; a place with a dress code! for V-Day. Oh, be still my beating heart! Sure, we double-dated with my BIL and his wife, but the $150 dinner was one of the most memorable moments in my life.

* Earlier that same day, we had gone ice skating on The Mall, in the sculpture garden; also one of the most memorable moments of my life. *sigh*

But, to truly prove my point that my husband is the least traditonally romantic man in the world, I present to you his idea of a great "wedding song":

"We're In This Together"

I've become impossible

holding on to when

when everything seemed to matter more

the two of us

all used and beaten up

watching fate as it flow down the path we

have chose

you and me

we're in this together now

none of them can stop us now

we will make it through somehow

you and me

if the world should break in two

until the very end of me

until the very end of you

awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin

they pick and they pull

trying to get their fingers in

well they've got to kill what we've found

well they've got to hate what we fear

well they've got to make it go away

well they've got to make it disappear

the farther I fall I'm beside you

as lost as I get I will find you

the deeper the wound I'm inside you

for ever and ever I'm a part of

you and me

we're in this together now

none of them can stop us now

we will make it through somehow

you and me

if the world should break in two

until the very end of me

until the very end of you

all that we were is gone we have to hold on

all that we were is gone we have to hold on

when all our hope is gone we have to hold on

all that we were is gone but we can hold on

you and me

we're in this together now

none of them can stop us now

we will make it through somehow

you and me

even after everything you're the queen and I'm the king

nothing else means anything

(music and lyrics by Trent Reznor)

Sweet, isn't it?

Don't Like Liberals?

Oh What A Feeling!

I had one of "those" dreams last night. You know the ones-the pregnancy dreams. The ones that usually leave an infertile woman bereft, and in an ill mood for the rest of the day. The ones that make you never want to wake up, because the dream is so wonderful.

However, I am excited to report that instead of feeling down today, I'm actually happy and peaceful. That is a significant change for me, and gives me hope that this "happy mode" of mine is around to stay.

The dream itself was wonderful, but weird, as dreams usually are. I was in a Wal*Mart-type store, looking for some clothes, when my best friend asked me why I wasn't looking in the maternity section, since regular clothes wouldn't fit anymore. It was then that I suddenly "remembered" that I was indeed pregnant! I looked down at my body in awe and saw that I must have lost a significant amount of weight prior to conceiving, because even my pregnant body was smaller overall than what I am now. I wandered over to the baby furniture to price cribs, and Jake met me over there. We both looked at each other in amazement and let out a shriek of joy because it hit us that we were going to finally be parents. It was so sweet and wonderful to have that feeling of love and joy wash over us. I also knew for some reason, that we were having a boy, which is odd only because I had a different dream the other night that I was holding my newborn son.

All in all I am greatly encouraged that I can find a peace in these images, that I no longer wake up crying and asking "why me". I feel so positive at the moment that these dreams will become a reality sooner rather than later. I don't know how or why I feel that way, but I just hope that the "intuition" is correct. Guess I'll just have to wait and see-and for the first time, I'm looking forward to it.

The Devil In Disguise

Well, it is 06-06-06 you know!!

Stepping Out Into The Sun

I know I have been extremely remiss in posting to this blog, but it is for a good reason. No, unfortunately, I'm not pregnant, however I am.....happy. Well and truly happy with my life right now.

For so long, I have allowed infertility to rule my every waking thought. For seven years my inability to bear a child has consumed me, made me less of a person. I couldn't truly enjoy my life and all there was in it. There was always a bitterness that tinged whatever joy I could find. I hated how the blackness of my depression would creep up on me at the most unexpected times. I forgot who I used to be.

No longer. Since our vacation, I have slowly begun to find myself again-the me I was so long ago, before this baby race began. I find myself able to hear about a friend's pregnancy without wincing, to watch happy families together without that tug in my heart, to make love to my husband without thinking about sperm counts, ovulation, temperatures. There is definitely a freedom in letting go and finding yourself. I keep myself busy with activities with my family and friends, and find myself planning for the future, without automatically including children in that equation.

That's not to say that I'm giving up on being a mother-not by any means. I fully intend to have children someday. However, I've let go of it being the sole purpose in my life. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with myself now, and as I take these tottering steps towards that future, I am filled with a hope I've never felt before.

So, you ask, where does that leave this blog? Well, I'm just going to shift gears for awhile and post about whatever's in my head at the moment, and lately, that's been politics. So, you may find that I'm taking a completely different direction then what you had expected. However, this blog is, and always has been, a form of catharsis for me-and I've got a lot on my mind, other than infertility, that I need to get out.

Now, I will eventually get around to doing those detailed vacation posts, but suffice it to say we had an absolutely marvelous time, and yes, Kellie, I did get my Papaw's knife back, I'm happy to report.

Until next post, I wish you all the peace and joy you can find in your life.......

Motivation

Is what I don't have alot of these days. I know you've all been waiting for the next installment of my vacation posts, and honestly, everyday I mean to post them, but either something comes up, or I just don't have it in me to sit and type for about an hour or so. I'm really sorry about that, and since I have nothing better to do at work tomorrow (don't tell my boss that!), I'll find time to put up the next vacation post.

So, until then, I'll see you later-I've got laundry to do!

I Had To Walk Up A Hill!! Barefoot!! In The Snow!! (Also known as: Vacation Post, Part Deux)

So, where was I?

Oh yeah-when we last left off, Jake and I were on our way from the Meteor Crater in Winslow, AZ to Flagstaff, AZ, where we planned to stay before visiting the Grand Canyon the following day. Well, the further up the mountain we went, the worse the snow became, thanks to a horrendous storm that was barreling down on us. By the time we reached Flagstaff, there was already a good 4-6 inches on the ground, and it was still coming down. The roads weren't too bad, as long as you were careful, and we stopped at the motel we would be staying in for the night. After unloading everything from the car and putting it in the room, I cranked up the heat (it was cold!) and we decided to see if we could find a Wal*Mart to get a couple of things I forgot to bring with us, along with some dinner. Well, we didn't find the Wal*Mart, because we took a wrong turn and ended up in the old "Route 66" part of Flagstaff. We ended up stopping at a Family*Dollar and made our purchases as quickly as possible, since it was after dark, and a sports car and slick roads do not mix well. Well, by the time we got back to the room, it was STILL cold!! I figured out that the heater was broken, and after switching rooms, we settled in for the evening and the snow kept falling while we slumbered.

The next morning, Jake comes barging into the room with breakfast from downstairs and announces that we'll be lucky to get out of there because he'd been up since 5 am (it was 8 by this time) and despite brushing the snow off the car then, it was now covered with another almost 4 inches, on top of what had been falling all night. There were also cars stuck at both the entrance and exit to the motel, and who knows when they'd get unstuck, and the manager was downstairs, cursing in a foreign language-panic was rampant. Trust me, it was a very dramatic moment. To make things worse, I was on my period and very emotional, so when I started to become weepy at the prospect of being stuck in Flagstaff for the rest of my vacation, Jake snapped at me, only making things worse. We went downstairs with my determination to dig us out, (damn it!!) and for me to eat breakfast while there was still any left. Jake at least had the foresight to turn our car around at 5 am, and park backwards in the space, to make it easier to get out. So, we proceeded to use the motel's snow shovel and got to digging! The snow was between 8-24 inches, depending on where the drifts were. But, by golly, we dug, and we got that car clear!! I'd already packed everything up to make for a quick exit, and we rushed downstairs with our bags, throwing them haphazardly into the back of the car. But before leaving I took these three photos from our room to prove how bad it got. Despite all of our hard work, we still weren't sure if we'd actually be able to make it out of the parking lot. I give total credit to Jake's driving skills for getting us out of there. Needless to say, we decided that the Grand Canyon trip was a bust. There was no way we'd safely make it up there.

However, this was not to be the end of our drama. Once on the freeway, the snow was still falling, and everyone was driving 20 mph down the mountain, in the middle of the road. Cars and trucks were off the road, where they had slid before coming to a stop. The trees and ground were covered, and the wind started picking up-blowing the snow even harder. It was a tense ride, but the further we descended down the mountain, the better the driving conditions became. Unfortunately, after we were about an hour away from the motel, I remembered that I had lent Jake my beloved (deceased) Papaw's pocket knife to open something with, and I didn't recall him giving it back. He said he had left it on the night stand, thinking I'd see it. Well, I didn't, and that meant that we had left it behind in our rush to flee the area before more snow could fall. I immediately burst into hysterical sobs, as this was the only physical thing I had left of my Papaw, and I was so mad at Jake I couldn't see straight. I finally came to my senses enough to call the motel and ask that if they found it, could they please hang on to it, until we came back through on our way home? The manager said he would, but my phone died from a bad cell area before I could give him my cell number. All we could do is cross our fingers, and hope the maid found it and turned it in. Since there was nothing we could do, we resolved to enjoy the rest of our vacation, and continued on to.......

Vegas, baby!!! VEGAS!!!!

(to be continued.......)

Inappropriate Wedding Reception Songs

So, I was ruminating about nonsensical things, and I was thinking "What are some really inappropriate songs that I've heard at weddings?" Now, I'm not just talking about sexually-themed songs, but songs that may have the theme of "love" to them, but don't apply to the newly-wed. Here are some examples I've come up with (listed below), and I want all of you to reply to this-adding your own selections. Let's see what we can come up with! Bonus points if you've actually heard these at a wedding!!

1. "The Dance" by Garth Brooks (this song is about a couple that broke up, stupid!!)

2. "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (Um, don't you remember that Jack DIED at the end?! Is that the thought you want to enter wedded bliss with?)

3. "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston (A good-bye song from a hooker, in the Dolly Parton version)

4. "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC (While I LOVE this song, I don't exactly want the image it conjures in the head of my parents before I head off for my wedding night...ewwww)

5. "I Know" by Jude (A song about a relationship with a lonely guy and an emotionally/physically insecure woman. It's a gorgeous song, but I thought it was an interesting "first dance" choice for my brother-in-law and his wife)

Technical Difficulties *Updated*

***Ok, apparantly I'm an HTML idiot. I managed to fix the problem myself, thanks to some help on the Blogger forums. I was trying to upload a video of Prince's "When Doves Cry" for the "Tuesday Goodness" post. Well, I guess something was wrong w/the html or the link was too long for IE, and it not only caused my sidebar to drop to the bottom, but it made it so I couldn't even delete my posts. However, when I went into edit mode, and deleted the "blank box" that was in the posts, then republished-voila!! It worked! Not only could I delete my posts, but my sidebar was back on the side! Oh well, at least it's fixed now. I'm leaving this post up, in case any other Blogger user has a similar problem.***

I'm having Blogger issues with my posts (hence the 2 blank "Tuesday Goodness" posts below), so until the tech support people get back to me, installment #2 of my vacation adventures will have to wait.

In the meantime, I will try to do a funny post to keep you occupied.

Thanks for understanding!

The Long Awaited Vacation Post (Part I)

So, about my vacation--other than a couple of snags, it was everything I'd wanted it to be and more. Here are some of the highlights:


We started off heading west on I-40, going through western Oklahoma, the Texas Panhandle, and the New Mexico desert, before stopping for the night at a HoJo in Albuquerque. The room had a king sized bed, something Jake and I are not used to sleeping on, as we have a full size at home. Seeing as how we like to cuddle in our sleep, more than half the bed went to waste.

The next morning, we headed off to our next destination: Flagstaff, AZ, with a quick stop at the meteor crater in Winslow. Jake has always wanted to see the crater, ever since he saw "Starman" as a kid. First, we had to cross the Navajo reservation in NM. What a beautiful part of the country! We definitely felt we were in the "State of Enchantment". As we headed into the mountains, the temperature began to fall, as did the snow. By the time we reached this point, it was really coming down. Being the anal-retentive planner that I am, I was already expecting this and had prepared thusly by ensuring our coats were within easy reach, and that we had a blanket and supplies, "just in case". The roads were still pretty good at this point, and since we were descending down the mountain into Arizona, they only improved as we went along.


Considering that it is essentially a big hole in the ground, the Meteor Crater is, quite simply, an amazing sight to behold. To think that a giant piece of rock fell out of the sky from space to come hurtling down and slam into the Earth is an astounding thought. My photos of the Crater do not do it justice. The sheer enormity of its size is intimidating, and makes you leery of any other such catastrophes occurring in our lifetime. While we were at the Crater, a massive storm system was bearing down on us from the West, whipping up the wind and blowing snow everywhere. We were freezing our collective asses off while admiring the view, although it was completely worth it. For any of you considering checking out this natural wonder, I highly recommend that you do, however, please note that there is a charge to get in. We had to pay $15/person for the adult rate. Jake was slightly griping about the price, but I reminded him that this is the National Park Service we're talking about, and this poor, under-funded agency needs all the money it can get. All in all, despite the cold and the price, it was a great little stop along our way, and I would definitely go there again.

Next up: Flagstaff! Or: How The Heck Do We Dig Ourselves Out Of This Snow?!!

Programming Note...

Sorry, folks. As my good friend, Kellie, reminded me, I had promised a vacation update (with photos!) upon my return. Well, I've been back almost 2 weeks now, and have yet to fulfill that promise.

My work and personal life has been quite hectic these past 2 weeks, and I'm just now getting to upload some of my vacation photos (you can see them in my flickr account), but I promise (cross my heart, etc.) to have an update and photos up by Sunday. I have so much to share-stories, laughs, harrowing adventures-you won't want to miss it!

See you Sunday!

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted....

....vacation have to get away!!!!! (Don't you just love the Go-Go's?!)

As of tomorrow night, Jake and I are embarking on a 10 day road trip out west to see such sights as:

*The Grand Canyon!*

*Las Vegas!*

*Santa Barbara!*

AND...

*San Francisco!*

Exciting, no?

This is will be our first "real" vacation (visiting relatives so does not count) in the 8 years since our honeymoon trip to Disney World. Needless to say, we desperately need this downtime together. However, since we don't own a laptop, I will be unplugged from the world wide web for the duration of our trip, and cannot update you with tidbits from the road. However, I promise to post stories and pictures upon my return. In the meantime, if any of you is harboring "Aunt Flo" at your house, could you send her my way? She's 4 days late for her arrival, and according to Mr. Evil Pee Stick (whom I christened yesterday), there is no reason within my uterus (like, say, an embryo-ha, ha, ha...oh how funny!) for the delay. My fear is that she'll show up on the road, and with her will be her evil sister: Excruciating Cramps, and I'll have to seriously sedate myself in order to tolerate the pain. Oh Endo, what a bane to my existence you are! Just wait, I'll lap' you off this year-so there!

Anyway, so any good thoughts you could send our way for a safe trip, and minimal pain for me would be appreciated. See you on the flipside!

A Chance To Make A Difference

I was just reading this week's issue of People magazine, and came across an article about the Millennium Promise project run by Dr. Jeffrey Sachs. The goal of the project, in conjunction with the UN, is to end worldwide poverty by 2025.

The program is trying to elminate poverty one village at a time. To some, this may be a lofty goal, but when you read about a 6 year old boy who died of a severe case of malaria for lack of a medicine that would cost only $1.20 per person, you may change your mind.

The plight of Africa is one that haunts me. In this world of prosperity for so many, it is an overwhelming tradgedy that Africans are dying by the thousands every day. Not only from the AIDS epidemic, but from the simplest of diseases, like malaria, and from lack of food and clean water-all things we take for granted every day. It breaks my heart to read these stories. I feel so helpless, yet there is something simple I, and you, can do. The Project is asking for a $50 annual donation to help reach its goal of $300,000 a year for the 5 years it will take to lift a village of 5,000 out of poverty. Now, I don't know about you, but I can blow $50 on one trip to Wal-Mart or Target, just on useless junk. $50 is not too much to ask to save the lives of thousands, in my opinion, and I will gladly give it. I know there are so many homeless and impoverished people here in America that we should all help as well, but at least here in the US we have social programs that (while terribly underfunded) are in place to begin the process of giving a hand up to those in need. I fully advocate helping the poor in America-I was once homeless in my childhood- and will definitely post more on that later, but this story struck a chord in me that I can't ignore.

I encourage all of you to pick up a copy of this week's People (with Sheryl Crow on the cover), and read the story for yourself. If you find yourself as moved as I was, please visit the Millennium Promise site here and contribute if you are able.

I leave you with my favorite quote: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Ghandi, and a wish for a better tomorrow.

Bigger Than A BJ

As some of you may now know, the AP has released a video showing that the President knew damn well the scope of devastation that would occur in the wake of Katrina a full 24 hours before the hurricane hit. What astonishes me is not that this incompetent, bumbling fool did nothing, (because hey, if America coming under terrorist attack didn't provoke him into action, then why would a natural disaster?) but that everyone isn't screaming for his head, the way they did Clinton's. All Clinton did was get a blow job from an intern-he didn't allow his extremely poor judgment contribute to the deaths and devastation of thousands of innocent lives.

How much longer are we going to allow this man, and his Administration drag America down into an abyss of shame, inaptitude, and fear? When will someone stand up and hold him accountable for his actions? Why is receiving sexual gratification (albeit inappropriately) from an intern worse than this? If Clinton had acted in the same egotistical, reckless manner that Bush has displayed, then I would've been one of the first to call for his head on a platter (and this is coming from someone who loves me some Bill).

I encourage each of you out there to contact your Senators and Members of Congress and tell them that America won't stand for this any more! Tell them to make Bush accountable for his (in)actions, the way they held Clinton accountable for his. By not speaking out, and standing by idly, we are giving Bush permission to continue down this destructive path for the remainder of his term. America, let's grow some BALLS and do the right thing!

Happiness Is Low Approval Rating

This made my otherwise blah day bright. Ahhh... *smile*

Is everyone waking up yet? Do you finally get what "we" (and by "we" I mean the "dreaded Liberals") have been saying about this moron for the past 6 years?

Remember folks, mid-term elections are this November! Cast your vote and let your voice be heard! Every vote counts and you can help turn the tide of our country, and undo all the bad that's been done.





(Thanks to erinberry for the link!)

Dear South Dakota:

(image courtesty of: PerezHilton.com)

Feeling "The Funk"

And I'm not talking about a George Clinton and Parliament kind of funk.

Once again, I'm going through one of my "downer" phases, always related to my infertility struggle. The older I get, the worse it gets, because I feel like time is running out for me. I know, I'm only 28, and others, like my friend Kellie, are in their 40's and having children, so I shouldn't give up hope. But, just like I always had the overwhelming sense that I would have fertility problems, I know that if I don't conceive via IVF by the time I'm 32-33, it's not gonna happen for me, and that makes me incredibly sad. Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

Please, don't think I'm bashing on adoption, or that I'm not even considering it, I am. It's just that for us, we feel the need to at least try IVF before being able to emotionally let go of our biological urge to procreate and move on to adoption. I think adoption is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and I've known a lot of people to take this route when creating a family, and they are extremely happy with their decision. I wish I could do the same, but for whatever reason, I have this overwhelming need to carry life within me, and give birth to that life. Therein lies the difference. I know I am fully capable of loving and accepting an adopted child no differently than a biological one, but I would regret not trying IVF for the rest of my life if we didn't take that step. I would forever play the "what if" game.

I was watching "Parenthood" last night on cable. I really love that movie, but it left me feeling so, so, sad. Watching the interactions of the parents with the kids, and all the drama that having a family entails, yet all the love at the same time, is so touching. The movie reiterated just how badly I want Jake and I to be parents. I know he'll make such a fabulous father, and I'm sure I'll be a great mom. It breaks my heart that we're having to go through this. That any of us have to. It sucks, sucks, SUCKS!!!

So, while I'm going through this "phase" I'll be in "cocoon" mode, where I insulate myself from the world for awhile, at least until I can get a better grip on my emotions. I hope to be back soon. Thanks for understanding.

(PS: I've re-opened the comments section again.)

For Your Consideration...

Here are some entertainment bits that I've currently enjoyed, and thought I'd pass along:

Movies:

Glory Road

For 2 reasons:

1. Josh Lucas es muy caliente*! (*very hot, I mean, did you see him in Sweet Home Alabama?!)

2. I have a serious weakness for sports movies. I guess it's that whole, "Underdog team comes from behind to win the game, but not before learning some very important life lesson along the way" kind of thing. Who knows? Either way, I always tear up at some point during the film.

Hustle & Flow

Because, "You know it's hard out here for a pimp", for real yo. (Now nominated for 2 Oscars: Best Actor: Terrance Howard, Best Original Song: "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp"!! See, it's a quality film-the Academy even says so!)

Books:

Mr. Darcy Takes A Wife by Linda Berdoll

A sort of "sequel" to Pride and Prejudice, it tells the story of what happens after the wedding of Darcy and Elizabeth. I love this book and am reading it for the second time. However, most JA "purists" do not like this book, because it is chock-full of "coital" scenes, like a romance novel.

Music:

James Blunt - Back to Bedlam

"You're Beautiful" is hauntingly beautiful, indeed.

Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams

"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" is a fun, upbeat ditty.

How Apropros!

Just a little something to think about before the State of the Union address tonight!

Need I Say More?

Read this article and then have the nerve to ask me again why I don't believe in God.

Bitches like this are allowed to breed kids left and right, yet I'm not even able to conceive one child!? Tell me, where's God in that?

If there is a God, then he's an asshole for allowing shit like this to happen. I used to think things happened for a reason, now I see just that "shit happens". There is no reason, or why, or mystic/religious how behind it. It just is, and it sucks.

*Rant Over*

It Was The Worst Of Times...

My very best friend, Aimee (whose pictures you can see in my flickr account), a wonderful, kind, sweet, giving, 25 year old, has suffered what appears to be a stroke.

Yesterday, at lunch, she and I went to the blood drive in our building to do our part. I was declined to donate, because I currently have a nasty case of bronchitis and am on antibiotics. I hung around to wait while Aimee gave blood, and to keep her company. After swabbing her arm with iodine, and before inserting the needle, I saw Aimee give me a funny look, then turn to talk to the nurse. I saw the nurse call over another, and then saw them put away the tubes and collection bag. I walked over to see what was happening, and Aimee told me (in a very slurred voice) that she didn't "feel right". The nurse asked if this was how she always talked and I told her "no". Then, I noticed that the right side of Aimee's mouth was drooping. So I asked Aimee to smile, and when she could only smile with the left side of her mouth, I knew something serious was going on. "Stroke" immediately entered my mind, but I dismissed it, because Aimee is not in a high risk category, and she was fine a few minutes before. The nurse called over her supervisor, who then called the on-call Dr. on her cell. The Dr. said that she should see her Dr., but that it was probably nervousness from donating. The nurses kept taking Aimee's blood pressure, and were trying to keep her calm, as was I. In the meantime, she was deteriorating to the point where she had weakness on her entire right side. She could barely move her limbs in that side and felt a "tingling" sensation in her right hand. I called her grandmother (who is our boss) to come up, and by the time she arrived, the decision had been made to take her to the ER. After I had to come back up to our office (leaving Aimee w/her grandmother), the decision to transport her via ambulance had been made. At the hospital, Aimee underwent a CT scan, and numerous other tests, but nothing came of it. She is now at the Dr.'s office, who will hopefully be able to shed some light on this mystery. She is still having problems with weakness, and some slurred speech, which continues to make me think she's had a stroke.

Needless to say, I am beside myself with worry. How can something like this happen to a perfectly normal, healthy, almost-26 year old woman? I feel so completely helpless, and don't know what to do with myself. I know all I can do is be there for her, and support her, no matter what happens. I guess this just drives home the point that anything can happen to any of us, at anytime. You never know. And that's what makes me most scared of all.....

*Updated to add: I've spoken with Aimee's grandmother (my boss), who has confirmed via the Dr., that she has indeed suffered a mild stroke. The Dr. is very optimistic that thanks to her age and health, she'll recover quickly. He even expressed that he thinks she'll regain full use of her right arm/hand within the next 10 days or so. She has to undergo physical therapy everyday, and is on various medications, including blood thinners. She'll have an MRI, echocardiogram, and ultrasound next Wednesday to see if they can determine not only what caused the stroke, but see if there is any permanent damage.*

Just When IS Someday, Anyway?

(Disclaimer: This post would fall under that "Incoherent Ramblings" category I speak of in my header...)

I really am tired of waiting for someday. You know, "someday" we'll be able to afford a vacation, "someday" I'll freakin' graduate, "someday" we'll buy a house, "someday" we'll be able to have kids. I hate "someday", because "someday" never comes, or at least not fast enough for me (I of the persistently impatient nature).

It seems that "someday" seems to be dicated by something else I can't stand: "money" or, "lack thereof". See, even when that "someday" arrives when I graduate, or even when Jake graduates, we'll be in debt up to our eyeballs with our student loans. So, by the time we're somewhat financially stable, will I even have eggs that are worth a shit to try IVF?!?

I know we're trying, dammit; we're trying as hard as we can to make a better life for ourselves, but I've already waited 7 years for my child, and I'm getting sick of the continued wait. We are going be fabulous parents, fabulous I tell ya! We have so much bottled up love from waiting for said child, that they may OD on our joyous attention. Poor kid, we're gonna smother it with love.

It just kills me to look at my husband, the man I love more than breathing, and to envision him holding our baby in his arms, and knowing that that fantasy is so far off in the future that it seems impossible to come true. He's so great with kids, I know he's going to make a fantastic father, #1 DAD shirts and all that jazz. Now, I have the added pressure of knowing my in-laws are finally into the whole grandparent idea, and they're ready to see some grandchildren! Of course, they know all about our fertility issues, we're totally "out" to everyone about IF, but just knowing that they want us to have kids just as much as we want to is even more of a burden.

Alright, alright, I'm making no sense now, guess I just needed to vent. I'll post more coherently interesting stories later.....

We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Post To Bring You This Important Announcement:

Hey everyone!

I received this email from MoveOn.org, and signed the petition. If you agree with me that the Administration has gone too far, please feel free to follow the link below and add your voice to mine and countless others. I'm normally not a petition-y kind of person, but this one is definitely worthwhile. Let's hope it makes a difference!

PS: If you live in Oklahoma, be sure to support Gov. Brad Henry in his bid for re-election. Gov. Henry is a great man, who has not only fulfilled his campaign promises, but has made our State a better place to live during his term. Don't let assholes like Earnest Istook win and take our State back to the Dark Ages.

Also, don't forget that there are very important mid-term elections this year! Let's make a difference in November! Get out the vote and let your voice be heard! Politics in action, baby! Yeah!

Subject: The President Broke the Law

Hi,

President Bush admitted to personally authorizing thousands of allegedly illegal wiretaps, and he doesn't plan to stop. Circumventing the Constitution is serious business.

This is a big moment. People from across the political spectrum are standing together to protect the rule of law and the principles that are core to our identity as Americans.

Can you sign this petition to show Congress that Americans want a thorough investigation of the president's secret wiretapping program?http://political.moveon.org/ruleoflaw/

Thanks!

I Hate Angelina Jolie

Not because I'm on Team Aniston or some other such bullshit. Nope, I hate her for this reason. It's not bad enough that: a) She's a fabulously wealthy, Oscar winning, beautiful actress, b) she has been lucky enough to adopt not one but two gorgeous children, as well as, c) she gets to see Brad Pitt naked whenever she wants. Now, she has to put icing on that cake and go and get herself knocked up! Damn it! I truly wish she and Brad and their little family all the best, but I shall seethe with jealousy while parlaying my good wishes through gritted teeth.

On another celebrity baby-watch note: the word is Courtney Cox and David Arquette are once again undergoing IVF in order to provide baby Coco with a sibling. I say good for them! It's nice when celebrities come out with their fertility struggles. While I understand the need for privacy, especially with something so personal as infertility, we've all seen how celebrities can bring the spotlight to many medical issues. By "coming out" about their inferitlity, so to speak, stars like Cox and Brooke Sheilds (but not YOU Julia Roberts, you still insist that twins run in your family...yeah right), help to ease the stigma of infertility and help the public understand the struggle couples undergo in pursuit of building a family.

Big Brother IS Watching You

This incensed me beyond all belief! The government has some fucking nerve opening private correspondence under the guise of "Homeland Security". And don't come at me with that pseudo-patriotic bullshit about how we all have to make sacrifices to keep our country safer. I'm willing to wait in a 2 hour long security line at the airport, just to be screened by totally inept and completely underpaid screeners who think that I can hijack a fucking 757 with my nail clippers, I don't mind that at all. Or being screened at any public venue-that's cool with me. But, when you start opening and reading people's mail just on the really off-hand chance that Al-Qaida is sending love letters to sleeper cells, then buddy, you've gone too far. I'm already supremely pissed that what I've suspected all along about the government spying on us without cause has now been proven true, but this is just icing on my cake. Maybe those guys who believe in the "black helicopters" were right all along?

I don't know if I can take another 3 years of this shit!!!! Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!!! (Excuse me while my head explodes in rage....)

This Post Is Brought To You By The Letter "C"

As in a COLD. As in, despite my repeatedly telling my co-workers and hubby that I can not afford to get sick, the assholes germinated me anyway. So, here I sit, with a head full of nasty gunk, while trying to resist the urge to drill a hold in my skull to relieve the pressure. Also, since I can't breathe through my nose, I'm sitting around with my mouth hanging open, looking something like this. Not very attractive, Muriel. Needless to say, this craptastic cold has left me drained, and as such, I have been neglecting my blogging duties. Hang with me, folks, hopefully I'll be back to my not-so-normal self soon.

PS: Here's a topic for you to mull over while I recover: With the (most likely) imminent death of Israeli PM Ariel Sharon looming on the horizon, and a new leadership currently in place, what will this mean for the Israeli/Palestinian peace process? Discuss.

PPS: How cool is it that my hero, Jon Stewart, will be hosting the Oscars?! Very cool, indeed.