If You Blog About It, It Will Come

Yeah, so um, never mind about that last post.

Apparently, my asshole uterus got wind that my Hope Meter was on high, and decided to lay a smack down-and at a birthing class (with Aimee, I'm her labor "companion"), no less.

Added to this unwelcome "surprise": seeing how loving all the couples were to each other in the birthing class-knowing Jake and I will never get to share that experience- and then at the end of class, having the instructor inquiring as to when I'm due. Yeah, great.

Thank G-d that was our last class.

Think I'll have a stiff drink and a nice painkiller now.

Something's Missing At The End Of This Sentence

....and it's the same thing that's been missing for almost 3 weeks

If it doesn't make an appearance soon, I'll be forced to invite FRED over

I don't like FRED, because FRED never has any "positive" news for me

After 8 years, you'd think I'd be used to that by now, but I'm not

All this does is up my Hope Meter, and we all know what a dissapointment that can be

The daydreams get stronger the longer this thing stays away

The a.m. nausea (twice now) doesn't help, either

Other than that, there's no evidence of anything at all, one way or another

(Sigh) Well, like I keep telling myself, even if something does finally show up, it's not a big deal, because someday I'll have something to hold in my arms, even if it's not made from me

Gonna Need A Latte

To get through today. It's 1:30 am and I'm still wide awake. I'm like this every freakin' Sunday evening. Thank god for Star*bucks, without their Venti Latte's I'd never make it through my Mondays.

I'm so desperate for entertainment, I resorted to watching this tonight. Yep, it's that bad. Damn Duggars.

Wish me luck (and rest!)

Do Overs?

My friend Aitch asks: "If you could go back [10 years], what would you tell yourself?" Great question. Here's what I said:

I’d definitely go back in time and tell myself:

1) Stop being so effing dramatic-it’s stupid and tiresome.

2) Get your finances in order!! Avoid huge amounts of debt later in life this way!

3) GO TO COLLEGE!!

4) Stop spending money on birth control, you don’t need it, you’re both infertile!! Take that money and pay off bills!!

5) Don’t depend on your mother for *anything*. She will consistantly let you down. Also, don’t let her steal your wedding photos, and take ALOT longer in planning your wedding, so it can be the one you’ve dreamed of, not the shitfest it was.

6) Your boyfriend (now hubby) loves you. More than life itself. Get some self-esteem and stop doubting it. He will spend the rest of his life with you, and you’ll never regret it.

7) Keep a clean house!! You’re a pig!!

8) Learn to let shit slide. Really, every little thing doesn’t have to get blown out of proportion and turn into a screaming match.

9) For God’s sake, you’re thin now!!! Stop eating junk, you’ll get really, really, REALLY fat if you don’t start working out now!!

10) Your boyfriend’s parents (my in-laws) like you, they just wish you’d stop being so dramatic. They’ll really love you later, and you’ll love them back.

Wow, guess there’s a lot I would change. But, that’s maturity for you!

I Hate My Ute

Last night, while typing up my "Borat" post, I could feel the first stirrings of cramps. No big deal, it's about that time of month, I thought. Well, within 5 minutes, I was lying on my bathroom floor racked with the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life.

I was screaming, crying, and begging to die. I'm being serious, it was that horrible. It felt like I was being clawed apart from the inside, and I would have done anything to make it stop. I couldn't move, and my tears were making it difficult to breathe. My poor husband just sat in the floor next to me, helpless, unable to help his wife. I managed to choke down a Loritab I had leftover in the cabinet, and counted down (when I wasn't fighting to stay conscious) the time until it kicked in. After an hour of mind-numbingly excruciating torture, the pain subsided long enough for me to crawl to bed. I knew going to the ER wouldn't do anything for me, they'd just give me painkillers and send me on my way-not worth the pain to get out of the house for, not to mention the hospital bill.

So today, still in a manageable amount of pain, I made my way to the Doctor. A lot of good that did me. All I got was a dildo-wand stuck up my bits to be told there was fluid behind my uterus, which could either be from a ruptured cyst (though he could find no evidence of one on my ovaries) or from my endo. Gee, hmmm...YOU THINK?!?!?! I've only been to 4 doctors in the past 5 years for this shit!! No one can seem to help me. Birth control doesn't work past the first month or two, and only succeeds in making me act like a crazy woman. This doctor (a specialist, might I add) won't do a laperoscopy on me until I lose at least 20 lbs., because he's afraid of something happening during surgery. I suppose I can thank the litigious public for that one. All doctors are afraid of actually treating their patients, for fear of being sued. So much for the Hippocratic oath, huh?

Anyway, I was left to drive home in tears, where I subsequently popped another Loritab, along with a Xanax, and crawled back to bed, and into oblivion for the next 8 hours. Hopefully, I can get some sleep tonight, I have be up earlier than usual to hit the polls when they open tomorrow.

So, sorry for not having my usual "Weekly feature" posts up, I'll take care of those tomorrow.

Drug of Choice

(An ode to my love, Caffeine)


Ahhhhh....Caffeine. Sweet nectar of the Gods. Your wonderful stimulant high starts my day off each morning with the warm rush of vitality and coherence. Without you, I am a zombie, struggling to stay awake at my desk - an embarrassing idea, considering my propensity for snoring and drooling in my sleep.

Where would I be without my Venti Iced Non-Fat Vanilla Latte? Without my delectably smooth Godiva milk-chocolate? My hot cocoa with marshmallows? Climbing the walls and biting people's head's off, that's where.

I know it's wrong to love you this much, you're so bad for me. Like a Harley-riding , leather wearing, young-Elvis looking, man-child rebel, I can't resist your lure. I've tried to distance myself from you in the past, but your siren's call is too strong for me. While I do my best to avoid you in the evening time, I anxiously count down the hours until I can once again embrace you in my hands, and welcome your flavor upon my lips. How could I ever have survived mid-terms and finals without your pep?

Let's face it, baby, you and I are together forever. It's chemical.

Fat Camp aka My Longest Post to Date

I've struggled with self-esteem issues my entire life. I've never thought I was pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough to deserve anything. Which is completely ridiculous, I know. I know logically that I have a pretty face (not beautiful, mind you, just pretty), I'm an intelligent person (well....excluding math, I suck at math), and everyone deserves happiness - but try telling that to the emotional part of my brain.

The fact that I am obese (and I cringe as I type that word, but it's true) is a problem of my own making. I know that sitting on my ass, stuffing my face full of carbs, and turning to food for comfort have caused me to self-destruct health-wise. In the 7.5 years of TTC and Infertility struggles, I have gained 80-85 lbs. I gained about 15 lbs. before that during the stress of planning my wedding, and almost didn't fit into my dress. So, we're talking about 95-100 lbs of weight gain in 10 yrs. I've always been kind of chubby, but never more than 10-15 lbs overweight. Until now. Now, I watch "The Biggest Loser" and realize that I am just as fat as the people they recruit for that show. It's horribly embarrassing and devastating to realize how far I've let myself go.

I can pinpoint the exact moment that my love/hate relationship with food began. It was the day my beloved grandfather died. We were living with my grandparents in Kentucky while my mom was undergoing chemo and radiation for cervical and ovarian cancer (she'd had uterine cancer just 3 years prior, and had to have a hysterectomy at age 28), back in Texas, where we lived at the time. My parents had divorced the summer before, and rather than hang around and support his children, my dad decided to up and move to Las Vegas and not leave a forwarding address, but a ton of bills behind. This caused us to become homeless, which only added to my mother's burdens. Rather than continuing to leave her children with friends to keep us off the streets, she took us back home to her parents. Needless to say, by the time the day my grandfather died (albeit peacefully in his sleep) rolled around, my brother and I were under far more stress than any 11 and 8 yr old children should be.

When people inevitably started to bring food to the house, my brother and I tried to mask our pain by consuming an entire bucket of chicken, a package of rolls, and a large bowl of pudding in one sitting. It was the start of a cycle that continues to this day. I know the "experts" tell you that when you are feeling emotional and are tempted to eat, to do something active, like walking, instead. Yeah, well, sometimes it's just easier and feels better to sit on the couch and eat a cup of chocolate pudding.

There was, however, a brief time between the ages of 18-20 where I was thin, well, thinner than I ever was before, anyway. I held down two jobs that required quite a bit of physical activity, and the pounds just started to fall off of me. For the first time in my life, I was HOT. The evidence of which was obvious in the way men looked at and flirted with me. I've never had so much attention paid to me by the opposite sex before! Let me tell you, it can be quite intoxicating and very, very powerful. Especially for a girl who couldn't get a date in high school. Of course, I was already with Jake at the time (we've been together since just before I was 18), so he was the only one reaping the benefits of having a hot chick. The funny thing is, I wasn't thin by society's standards. I wore a size 10-12, but with my build, it makes me look thin. I've always been big busted, and had a nice derriere, so if you eliminate most of my belly fat, I look great. I was holding my head high, full of confidence and happiness. Even when the weight first started to creep back on, it never bothered me. Jake loved me and found me attractive (and still does, btw), and that's all that mattered. I was even deluded enough to not "see" how truly overweight I had become. My mind would play the trick of believing that I was thinner than what I actually was. The only time that facade slipped, was if I saw a photo of myself. Then, I couldn't deny the evidence any longer. In fact, I've held on to this delusion until recently. While viewing the season premiere of TBL with Jake, I watched as one by one, the contestants were weighed in, wearing nothing but some spandex shorts and sports bra (for the women)-oh the horror! I saw their numbers come up, and realized, "Oh my God. They weigh as much as I do!" To confirm my growing horror at the realization of the enormity of what I had done to myself, I asked Jake to tell me, honestly (please, and no, I won't be mad), "Do I look like that?". His confirmation was like a bucket of cold water poured over my head, waking me up to the fact that I weigh as much as a grown man who plays football.

You would think that I would immediately start dieting and exercising, changing my life for the better, but no. Food and I, we're in a co-dependent relationship. Food is like the boyfriend who beats me up, but I love him anyway, and keep crawling back. Food is my lover, my best friend. Food comforts me, lifts me up, when life gets me down. Food has been there for me in my time of need. It brings back memories of family gatherings, and romantic evenings. It sustains me, and I don't mean in a "you need food to live" sense.

I want to break up with food, to no longer be its slave, to be in love with it, but I don't know how. I'm an atheist, so OA and "giving it up to a higher power" won't work; I'm simultaneously horrified and repulsed at the thought of joining WW or JC and doing the weigh-ins and meetings, Curves isn't my style, and I don't have the money to spend on Nutri-system or South Beach, or any of the other diet plans out there. I have to learn to do it on my own, but where do I begin? I don't care about what the scale says, I want to be healthy and happy. Just to be a size 12-14, rather than a 18-20 would be wonderful! To walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath, to relieve the pain in my knees, my back, and the stress on my heart and lungs, would fill me with joy and a sense of pride. To finally hold my head up, to look people in the eye, and not worry that they're snickering behind my back about what a "fatty fatster" I am, is a dream I can't wait to turn into reality. I've got to find a way to do it, and sooner rather than later is preferable, in fact, it's become necesssary. If I don't want to devlop diabetes, or dig myself an early grave, I have to change - NOW.

Indecisions

This was my Halloween costume last year:

Scary, no?

My friends and I dressed up as the "80's Ladies" for my birthday/Halloween party, went to a bar, got a little tipsy, where I then proceeded to belt out "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" in my best Cindy Lauper imitation, while they sang back-up. Ah yes, good times, good times. Please note the use of blue eyeshadow and bangle bracelets. Honestly, I think Aimee (black mesh shirt w/pink bra) had the best hair. I tried ratting mine, but my hair is very anti-80's. It's taken 16 years of training to make it that way.

Anyway, so now I'm at a loss as to what to wear this year. I love Halloween, but it's torture for me to find a costume. Being a larger woman, there aren't alot of choices out there, without coming up with something homemade or original. Well, I suck at being crafty, so I can't make anything too complex, and I don't want to spend an arm and leg, either. I'm jealous of Ollie's idea, she's definitely creative, and I feel sucky in comparison. So, if any of you have any ideas, let me know, PLEASE!!! I'm a desperate woman!!!

Bibliophile

I love the written word. I've participated in this love affair since I first started reading at age four. I even remember the first book I could read: Morris the Moose Goes to School by B. Wiseman. I was the kid who would sneak the flashlight under the covers, just so I could finish my book after bedtime. I still will usually read 2 or 3 books concurrently. So, it was to my ultimate joy to find this site. I could finally keep a list of all the books that are currently gracing my shelves (and nightstand, and various other surfaces around my house). You can also view other members' lists to see not only which books you have in common, but to get ideas for your next read. Check it out, and let me know if you sign up; I'd love to see what you're reading!

Click here to access my list.

Committed

In an effort to improve/maintain my writing skills (skills, what skills?!! bwahahaha), I have committed myself to NaBloWriMo, which although it sounds like something far dirtier than what it is, is actually a great idea. In fact, I've decided to take this thing one step further by committing myself to begin the daily posts today, starting with this one (hehe, I know it probably shouldn't count, but it's my rules this month, so what I say goes!).

So sit down, strap in, and hold on, 'cause you're about to have at least six weeks of unfiltered Nat Time!!

PS: Don't forget, I can wait until 11:59 pm to post, and it still counts for that day!! Oh, how I love interpreting rules to how I want/need them to be! (Must be why I work for attorneys.)

Monday Miscellaneous

*Thursday morning, I threw my neck out by, get this, brushing my teeth. I kid you not. Only I am capable of achieving this level of pathetic-ness. I still had to come into work and open the office, but only because it was too late to call my backup (Aimee). I literally could not move my neck, and was sitting as stiffly as possible. Luckily, my Chiropractor of 15 years was able to get me going again. I *heart* my Chiropractor-so much so, his daughter was one of my flower girls at my wedding.

*Friday night and most of Saturday were spent in bed, snuggling and watching t.v. with Jake, who called in sick to his night job (he really *was* sick, kind of). It was wonderful! There's nothing quite like lying around, under your comfy feather duvet, watching crap t.v. I'm trying to enjoy our alone time, because once we have our child, those times are ovah. At least, for 18 years or so.

*Saturday afternoon (when we finally managed to drag ourselves out of bed) we went to see School for Scoundrels, the new Billy Bob Thornton/Jon Heder movie. I wanted to see this because I love Billy Bob. Sure, he plays the same cynical asshole in all his movies, but I *love* that cynical asshole. I can even overlook his weird phobia against antiques, and that whole wearing-of-the-blood-in-the-necklace-thing when he was married to Angelina. The movie itself was ok, I'd give it a "B"-definitely worth the matinee price, but I wouldn't pay full price. Funny, but not hilarious.

*Great new download for the iPod: "Sexy Love" by Ne-Yo

*Great read: Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA by Ellen Meister. Hilarious, touching, quick read. Check it out today!

*Today's high in Oklahoma City: 91 . Now tell me there isn't global warming!!

Later, Taters!!

Me!Me!

Taken from The Aitch:

1. FIRST NAME? Natalee

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes. My first name is combination of letters from my mother's and grandmother's names, and my middle name is after my father.

3. LAST CRY? Yesterday, at the fair, when I was kicked off a ride, because my boobs were too big for the safety harness. Talk about embarrassment!

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? If I take my time, then yes. When I'm in a hurry, my scrawl is pretty illegable.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Honey Ham

6. KIDS? None yet, but we hope to have one home within the next 2 years or so!

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? What kind of question is that? How much self-loathing do you have to have to not want to be friends with yourself? Anyway-sure, why not? Other people are!

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Just the blog.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? You think?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Hell to the No!

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Cookie Crisp, Corn Pops, Cocoa Pebbles, Raisen Bran

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Nah, I'm a wuss.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Strawberry-although my new obsession is coffee flavor

16. SHOE SIZE? 8.5-9

17. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I have a big mouth and speak before I think (I'm the same way, A!)

18. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Papaw

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I'm not wearing pants or shoes right now!!! Aiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!! The visual!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm wearing my night-shirt people!)

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Gwen Stefani-Love, Angel, Music, Baby on my 'puter.

21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Periwinkle Blue

22. FAVORITE SMELL? Food cooking, my husband's scent, a baby's head.

23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My SIL, yesterday.

24. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Dark eyes and hair-I'm a sucker for them, especially if the guy is skinny/athletic.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I stole it from A, and I loves her!

26. FAVORITE DRINK? non-alcoholic: sweet tea (I'm southern, people!); alcoholic: Vanilla Twist (Smirnoff Vanilla, Amaretto, and Bailey's Irish Cream-DeLish!)

27. FAVORITE SPORT? OU Sooners football; OKC Blazers Hockey

28. EYE COLOR? Blue

29. HAT SIZE. Dunno, I buy the adjustable hats.

30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes, but I mostly wear my glasses now.

31. FAVORITE FOOD? Anything with carbs. Mostly of the Mexican, Italian, or Chinese variety.

32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings-I'm a romatic sucker.

33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? The Covenant

34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White (hey, at least I'm wearing a shirt!)

35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall or Spring.

36. HUGS OR KISSES? Both please

37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Does the word "chocolate" mean anything to you?

38.WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? 1776, Darcy & Elizabeth, and Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA-simultaniously-I love to read.

39. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A built-in gel wristpad.

40. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV ? A documentary about the Secret Service on the National Geographic channel, Oh! and Mallrats on "On Demand" (I *heart* Kevin Smith movies)

41. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SOUNDS? My husband's voice, birds chirping, kids laughing.

42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Beatles.

43. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? NYC, NY

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Paducah, KY

Feel free to steal this from me! BUT, let me know that you did, so I can check out YOUR MeMe!!

Ticking Away!

So, since I'm not pregnant, can't get pregnant (at least not anytime soon), but want to be a part of the "in" crowd, I got myself one of those "tickers" you see on blogs and bb's all the time.

You know the ones I'm talking about-they count down pregnancies to the due date or say people's children's ages in days, weeks, months and years. My little green monster thought I shouldn't be excluded, sooooo, if you scroll down to the bottom of my page, you'll see a ticker that states my age and counts down the time until my next birthday. Pretty handy, if I say so myself.

Just My Luck

As always, my life wouldn't be mine if I didn't have some sort of drama occurring at all times.

The latest: my best friend is (very) unexpectedly pregnant. Unexpected, not only because she was using a condom, but because in her previous long-term relationship, she did not use condoms, nor birth control, yet never became pregnant (by a man who already had 2 children). So, once again, everyone else but me can breed.

I will admit, I did cry a small bit the day before we confirmed the pregnancy (with a FRED in a Wal-Mart bathroom of all things), because of course, again, it's not me who is pregnant. However, these were not the huge, racking sobs of yesteryear, just a quiet stream running down my face for about 10 minutes. Then, I was over it. And now? I'm very excited. My friend is really involving me, to the point of asking that I be in the delivery room with her. She is also extremely understanding and knows that a part of me is hurting. I *heart* her.

I'm blessed to have such great friends. All of our friends who have found out, have asked her how I'm doing, because they all know about my infertility struggles. The fact that they care, and understand, means a lot to me.

So, I guess I am doing better. Used to be, I would've been devastated by this news, and extremely jealous. Now, I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of a little one to spoil. Big, HUGE, improvement.

In other news, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Doing the same things, day after day, year after year. Nothing changes. Not my job, my activities, nothing. Yet, everyone else seems to have major changes happening in their lives. Jake and I are not making any strides towards improving ourselves. Well, except for his graduation from our 2 yr college. However, he has yet to be offered a job, despite putting out his resume and going on 2 interviews. But, it is partly his fault. He's not networking and putting his resume out there the way he should be. I've already informed him that I cannot be 31, married for 10 years, and not own a house, or be on my way to having a family. He has agreed that it is time for a change, so now he has 2 years to get the ball rolling (that's when I'll be 31 and married for 10 yrs) or else. What that "or else" is, I haven't figured out, but I'm sure it involves a swift kick in the arse from me to him.

I'm sure you are asking yourself: well, what the fuck is her problem? Why can't she get off her ass and do something? Quite frankly, I am. I work full-time, and my salary pays the largest majority of our bills. Also, I've tried going to school, and have completed 3 semesters, but right now my work schedule prohibits me from taking the classes I need to advance in school. I tried it last semester, and ended up having to drop out, because it wasn't working. So, until Jake has a better paying job, allowing me to drop my working hours to part-time, school is on the back burner for me. Also, without a larger salary from Jake, there is no way we can afford IVF or adoption, so that too, is a problem.

Anyway, just wanted to update on what's going on in my life. I'll now return to the videos and political ranting posts.

Did you know, that ..

I'm such a fact geek! I actually knew some of these!

Cleaning House

I've decided to delete alot of my old posts that I feel were either poorly written, just plain stupid, or discuss/mention people I no longer wish to speak of. I also deleted any work-related posts, just in case "The Man" ever came upon my blog.

I'm also going to try and post alot more fun stuff-all part of the new "happier" me! Notice that I have changed part of my header and profile description as well.

Hope you like the changes!