Today I had my "annual" appointment with my RE/Ob-Gyn, and as I sat waiting in the lobby for my name to be called, I looked around at my fellow patients, as most people do.
There were three other women there alone, and three couples. Seeing as how my RE runs the local fertility clinic that was housed in the same office, and the fact that none of these women were visibly pregnant, it wasn't hard to figure out what they were here for. Here were my fellow infertiles.
The three couples and myself were called back at the same time. While we waited in the long hallway to be assigned to our perspective rooms, the couples all looked at the photos on the wall of the babies my doctor helped to conceive and deliver. In their eyes I saw the hope, and heard in their minds "This could be us. We can be this lucky. This doctor will help us have a baby." As my heart broke a little for them, that they even had to use ART to achieve their dream of a family, I came to the realization that I'm not really one of "them" anymore. I am no longer relying on technology to help me build my family. I'm counting on the brave decision of a wonderful woman to place her child with me. I felt removed, apart, from these couples. However, I still remember what it's like to be them. To hope that this doctor will have the answers for them, to dream that they'll finally become pregnant and carry a child to term. That's not me anymore, and I'm glad. Infertility, while always a medical part of who I am, no longer defines me. It's my past, who I was, not who I am now. I no longer imagine the big red "I" on my chest, declaring my inability to bear a child.
I'll admit, that when looking at the photos of the babies and happy families, my heart twinged, just a little, then no more. My present is one where I am happy with who I am now, and glad to have my husband and our dogs as our family at this time. We are working hard, paying off debt, building credit, and hopefully, within the next year, buying the home that we'll bring our child home to, where we'll have our own happy family photos to display. My present is full of plans for my future.
That future-adoption, is one I am embracing with open eyes and a glad heart. I felt a bit smug at knowing how my child will come to me, that question being answered for me when we made our decision not to pursue ART, but to adopt a child. Sure, my husband and I will never know what it is to conceive a child, someone else will do that for us. We'll never see our combined features reflected in the face of our children, but we'll see their own beautiful faces none the less. I may have no say so over my child's nature, but I'll nurture him or her with all the love in my heart.
As I walked out of the examination area, and back into the waiting room, I locked eyes with another couple who had come in, waiting anxiously for their turn. I gave them a small smile, and a mental wish for their success, whatever way that may come.
Showing posts with label Decisions-Schmisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Decisions-Schmisions. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
The Decision
Well, we've decided (for now) what path we'd like to take: domestic newborn. We will most likely have a trans-racial adoption, skin color being unimportant to us.
I've really been searching my heart, and as much as I love the Chinese, Russian and Guatemalan programs, and know several people who've created their families through them, I just feel that domestic is right for us this first time around. One of the biggest factors in our decision is that we'd really like to parent a child as early as possible in their development. Just once, we'd like to really experience what life is like with a newborn. Our subsequent adoptions (yes, we want more than one child!) will most likely go through the foster/adopt system, perhaps involving a sibling group. There is also the issue of travel. Neither Jake nor myself have the available time to fly to a foreign country for a week to a month, depending on a country. Both of our jobs offer a 2 week paid vacation, and we'd like to use that time (plus 4-6 weeks unpaid FMLA leave for me) as maternity leave to be home with our baby.
Guatemala was very closely considered, but with all of the Hague Treaty uncertainties, especially considering that we won't be able to even begin the paperwork process for another year or so, really put a damper on that decision.
You know how you read or hear of most people saying that they felt "drawn" to a particular program or country, or how they just knew it was "right"? Well, that's how domestic is for us. Hopefully the fact that we're open to adopting trans-racially will make our wait time shorter than those who wait for a Caucasian infant. I'm still afraid of the uncertainty of a failed placement, but the more discussions I have with those who have successfully adopted domestically, the better I feel. I'll also be looking for an agency that whose fees are good for as many times as it takes to do a placement, rather than pay for a failed placement, then have to pay again.
However, we are attending a seminar this Sunday by an agency we are considering, and their information could sway us to further contemplate our decision regarding international.
That brings up another issue: I am having THE WORST time finding adoption seminars in Oklahoma. I've tried Google, Ask.com, and even different agencies websites, but the closest I can find is in Texas (other than the one this Sunday, which is hosted by an agency out of TX). I don't mind going to a seminar in the DFW area, but I would want to make sure that the information they provided would be valid for Oklahoma as well. My friend, Wendy, suggested that I try RESOLVE, but you have to pay $55 to join, and I don't want to pony up that money just to see if there is a local meeting or seminar. Last time I heard, they didn't have an Oklahoma chapter anyway. If anyone out there has a membership, and could look up that info, and either email me or post it here? I'd really appreciate it.
One of the greatest things this adoption had brought about is an open discussion amongst family and friends about adoption. My BIL and SIL were asking us about the process, and telling us how they may someday adopt from China. My brother and SIL have also said that for their third child, they'd love to adopt, most likely from China as well. My brother, from a young age, has always said he'd love to have a Chinese daughter. I think it has something to do with a documentary he once saw about why babies are up for adoption in China, and it really touched his heart. Of course, most of you know that my parents are in the process of adopting a sibling group that they have fostered for almost 2 years now. So, adoption seems to be all in the family here!! I'm loving all the positive feedback and comments I've been receiving. With infertility, so many people are afraid to say anything, or just don't know what to say or ask, so it's refreshing to be able to openly discuss our family planning. Has anyone else had an equally rewarding experience?
As always, an advice or suggestions is appreciated! Thanks!
I've really been searching my heart, and as much as I love the Chinese, Russian and Guatemalan programs, and know several people who've created their families through them, I just feel that domestic is right for us this first time around. One of the biggest factors in our decision is that we'd really like to parent a child as early as possible in their development. Just once, we'd like to really experience what life is like with a newborn. Our subsequent adoptions (yes, we want more than one child!) will most likely go through the foster/adopt system, perhaps involving a sibling group. There is also the issue of travel. Neither Jake nor myself have the available time to fly to a foreign country for a week to a month, depending on a country. Both of our jobs offer a 2 week paid vacation, and we'd like to use that time (plus 4-6 weeks unpaid FMLA leave for me) as maternity leave to be home with our baby.
Guatemala was very closely considered, but with all of the Hague Treaty uncertainties, especially considering that we won't be able to even begin the paperwork process for another year or so, really put a damper on that decision.
You know how you read or hear of most people saying that they felt "drawn" to a particular program or country, or how they just knew it was "right"? Well, that's how domestic is for us. Hopefully the fact that we're open to adopting trans-racially will make our wait time shorter than those who wait for a Caucasian infant. I'm still afraid of the uncertainty of a failed placement, but the more discussions I have with those who have successfully adopted domestically, the better I feel. I'll also be looking for an agency that whose fees are good for as many times as it takes to do a placement, rather than pay for a failed placement, then have to pay again.
However, we are attending a seminar this Sunday by an agency we are considering, and their information could sway us to further contemplate our decision regarding international.
That brings up another issue: I am having THE WORST time finding adoption seminars in Oklahoma. I've tried Google, Ask.com, and even different agencies websites, but the closest I can find is in Texas (other than the one this Sunday, which is hosted by an agency out of TX). I don't mind going to a seminar in the DFW area, but I would want to make sure that the information they provided would be valid for Oklahoma as well. My friend, Wendy, suggested that I try RESOLVE, but you have to pay $55 to join, and I don't want to pony up that money just to see if there is a local meeting or seminar. Last time I heard, they didn't have an Oklahoma chapter anyway. If anyone out there has a membership, and could look up that info, and either email me or post it here? I'd really appreciate it.
One of the greatest things this adoption had brought about is an open discussion amongst family and friends about adoption. My BIL and SIL were asking us about the process, and telling us how they may someday adopt from China. My brother and SIL have also said that for their third child, they'd love to adopt, most likely from China as well. My brother, from a young age, has always said he'd love to have a Chinese daughter. I think it has something to do with a documentary he once saw about why babies are up for adoption in China, and it really touched his heart. Of course, most of you know that my parents are in the process of adopting a sibling group that they have fostered for almost 2 years now. So, adoption seems to be all in the family here!! I'm loving all the positive feedback and comments I've been receiving. With infertility, so many people are afraid to say anything, or just don't know what to say or ask, so it's refreshing to be able to openly discuss our family planning. Has anyone else had an equally rewarding experience?
As always, an advice or suggestions is appreciated! Thanks!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I Have No Lid Upon My Head, But If I Did...
...you could look inside and see what's on my mind (Let You Down-Dave Matthews Band).
And what's on my mind is, of course, adoption.
I never realized how confusing and overwhelming just the decision making process would be! Domestic vs. International vs. Foster/Adopt. Infant or toddler? Singleton or sibling group? Which country? What about the Hague convention? Costs? Documentation?
All of these thoughts are racing willy-nilly through my head, spinning out of control. All that I do know for sure is that I'm ready to bring a child home and be a mom. It's the process of getting there that's hard. Not that I thought it would be easy, mind you. I just didn't think I would have such a hard time making the proper decisions. Which, honestly, is stupid considering this is, quite frankly, the BIGGEST decision I'll ever make in my life!
I've tried joining a few adoption groups on Yahoo, but they've really not been much help, especially considering how early I am in the process. Plus, there's the added burden of costs. We don't own a home that we could take out an equity loan on, and although there is the adoption tax credit, you still have to pony up the money yourself before you can even take the credit-money we don't have right now. I've looked into information about adoption fundrasiers, but a part of me is reluctant to participate. I can't even put a finger on why, especially since I pony up money all of the time for fundraisers for charity or for my co-worker's kids' school. I'm all about helping my fellow man, I just get all squicky when it comes to asking for help for myself. I suppose that comes from my independent nature. Plus, I feel like I have to "prove" something to myself and others by going it alone-I always have. Perhaps it's because I was raised by a mother who has always been co-dependent and relied heavily on the system to help her provide for her children (thanks to my drunk-ass father who never felt the need to support his family-but enough about my "daddy" issues), or just some part of my personality that always makes me reluctant to ask for help. I've been on my own since I was 17, and have tried my damnedest not to rely on others (besides Jake, for obvious reasons) to make it through life. I don't think it is necessarily a bad trait to have, in fact, I hope my children are just as independent in nature as Jake and I are.
Anyway, back to my dilemma. Obviously I'm sending up many wishes for Jake to secure a better paying job; one that would allow us to buy a home and afford the costs associated with adoption, but every day that passes by, the more impatient I become (patience is not one of my virtues), but here is what I do know so far:
1. I really, really, really, really, want to adopt an infant or baby. But really, an infant. I know to some this may seem selfish, but I look at it this way: even though I cannot birth my children, I still want to be there for as many moments as possible after said birth. I would also love to name my own child, have a nursery, baby shower, etc.-all the things birth parents get to do. I don't have a problem with toddlers or small children either, because I love kids, but at least for my first child, I'd love to have a baby, just to experience all the "firsts" for myself. Which, pretty much leaves domestic infant or Guatemala for my adoption choices. There is a chance I could get an infant through the foster/adopt program, but it's not likely.
2. For international, I really love the idea of Guatemala or Russia, however, I'm really scared by what I'm reading in regards to the Hague Convention. Is this going to make international adoption more expensive? Or, will I not be able to adopt from those countries at all? Anyone?
3. I'm scared, people. Scared shitless. Scared that if we go domestic or foster/adopt that the birthparents will change their minds, or be able to get their child(ren) back. The idea of losing a child that I thought would be mine forever is the most frightening aspect of adopting. The fear of loss is also what kept me up at night in regards to IVF-the "what ifs" about miscarriage, bad embryos, implantation issues,etc, after going through all of those medical procedures that cost as much as adoption, is really part of what turned me off from IVF. While I know adoption is never easy, and that there is a chance of a failed placement, the odds of me actually coming home with a child are greater than those of IVF. Of course, the whole idea of birthparents not being around to change their minds is what appeals to me with international. It's not that I'm anti-birthparent, I'm just anti-having-my-heart-and-bank-account-broken-by-a-failed-placement.
4. If we end up going the domestic infant route, I know there is the question regarding open adoption. I feel that I would only be comfortable with sending letters and photos to the b-parents through a facilitator. I would also be open to receiving letters from the b-parents for my child to have when we all feel the time is right. I know myself (and Jake) well enough to know that we're not at all able to embrace 100% open adoption. However, I realize what a wonderful gift my child would be, what a tremendous sacrifice this is for the b-parents, and how someday, my child will be curious about their background; so I feel I could not deny my child and his/her birthparents the opportunity to know something about each other.
Do you see why I'm so confused?
For all of my friends out there in the blogosphere and internet who have adopted, how did you make these decisions? Why did you choose your particular path to adoption? If you're comfortable with sharing the info, how did/are you affording the costs involved? Please, share anything you can think of; I'm desperate here!
Thanks in advance!
And what's on my mind is, of course, adoption.
I never realized how confusing and overwhelming just the decision making process would be! Domestic vs. International vs. Foster/Adopt. Infant or toddler? Singleton or sibling group? Which country? What about the Hague convention? Costs? Documentation?
All of these thoughts are racing willy-nilly through my head, spinning out of control. All that I do know for sure is that I'm ready to bring a child home and be a mom. It's the process of getting there that's hard. Not that I thought it would be easy, mind you. I just didn't think I would have such a hard time making the proper decisions. Which, honestly, is stupid considering this is, quite frankly, the BIGGEST decision I'll ever make in my life!
I've tried joining a few adoption groups on Yahoo, but they've really not been much help, especially considering how early I am in the process. Plus, there's the added burden of costs. We don't own a home that we could take out an equity loan on, and although there is the adoption tax credit, you still have to pony up the money yourself before you can even take the credit-money we don't have right now. I've looked into information about adoption fundrasiers, but a part of me is reluctant to participate. I can't even put a finger on why, especially since I pony up money all of the time for fundraisers for charity or for my co-worker's kids' school. I'm all about helping my fellow man, I just get all squicky when it comes to asking for help for myself. I suppose that comes from my independent nature. Plus, I feel like I have to "prove" something to myself and others by going it alone-I always have. Perhaps it's because I was raised by a mother who has always been co-dependent and relied heavily on the system to help her provide for her children (thanks to my drunk-ass father who never felt the need to support his family-but enough about my "daddy" issues), or just some part of my personality that always makes me reluctant to ask for help. I've been on my own since I was 17, and have tried my damnedest not to rely on others (besides Jake, for obvious reasons) to make it through life. I don't think it is necessarily a bad trait to have, in fact, I hope my children are just as independent in nature as Jake and I are.
Anyway, back to my dilemma. Obviously I'm sending up many wishes for Jake to secure a better paying job; one that would allow us to buy a home and afford the costs associated with adoption, but every day that passes by, the more impatient I become (patience is not one of my virtues), but here is what I do know so far:
1. I really, really, really, really, want to adopt an infant or baby. But really, an infant. I know to some this may seem selfish, but I look at it this way: even though I cannot birth my children, I still want to be there for as many moments as possible after said birth. I would also love to name my own child, have a nursery, baby shower, etc.-all the things birth parents get to do. I don't have a problem with toddlers or small children either, because I love kids, but at least for my first child, I'd love to have a baby, just to experience all the "firsts" for myself. Which, pretty much leaves domestic infant or Guatemala for my adoption choices. There is a chance I could get an infant through the foster/adopt program, but it's not likely.
2. For international, I really love the idea of Guatemala or Russia, however, I'm really scared by what I'm reading in regards to the Hague Convention. Is this going to make international adoption more expensive? Or, will I not be able to adopt from those countries at all? Anyone?
3. I'm scared, people. Scared shitless. Scared that if we go domestic or foster/adopt that the birthparents will change their minds, or be able to get their child(ren) back. The idea of losing a child that I thought would be mine forever is the most frightening aspect of adopting. The fear of loss is also what kept me up at night in regards to IVF-the "what ifs" about miscarriage, bad embryos, implantation issues,etc, after going through all of those medical procedures that cost as much as adoption, is really part of what turned me off from IVF. While I know adoption is never easy, and that there is a chance of a failed placement, the odds of me actually coming home with a child are greater than those of IVF. Of course, the whole idea of birthparents not being around to change their minds is what appeals to me with international. It's not that I'm anti-birthparent, I'm just anti-having-my-heart-and-bank-account-broken-by-a-failed-placement.
4. If we end up going the domestic infant route, I know there is the question regarding open adoption. I feel that I would only be comfortable with sending letters and photos to the b-parents through a facilitator. I would also be open to receiving letters from the b-parents for my child to have when we all feel the time is right. I know myself (and Jake) well enough to know that we're not at all able to embrace 100% open adoption. However, I realize what a wonderful gift my child would be, what a tremendous sacrifice this is for the b-parents, and how someday, my child will be curious about their background; so I feel I could not deny my child and his/her birthparents the opportunity to know something about each other.
Do you see why I'm so confused?
For all of my friends out there in the blogosphere and internet who have adopted, how did you make these decisions? Why did you choose your particular path to adoption? If you're comfortable with sharing the info, how did/are you affording the costs involved? Please, share anything you can think of; I'm desperate here!
Thanks in advance!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
The Big Annoucement
Ok, deep breath, here goes:
JAKEANDIAREGOINGTOADOPT!!!!!
Oh, sorry, too fast? Here it is again:
JAKE AND I ARE GOING TO ADOPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, I'm so, so, so super psyched!! He and I had a nice conversation on Friday night about our plans for life, and where we wanted to be in the next couple of years when he dropped the bomb on me that YES, he was *FINALLY* ready for adoption!! I'm all teary-eyed thinking about it.
It's so crazy because he was the one who was the hold out for a biological child, but now he says he's really taken the time to think about it, and knows that biology isn't important, and he'll love an adopted child no differently than a biological one. He doesn't even care about race or if the child is an infant. I myself admit that I'd love to have an infant, only because I really want to experience raising a child from as close to birth as possible, since I won't be the one giving birth.
So, for now, we're still formulating our "adoption plan", but I'm thinking we'll either go foster/adopt (like my parents did with my sisters) or private domestic. The biggest restriction will be costs-as you all know, my broke self can't afford a super-expensive anything.
This is where you all come in. Please, if you know where I should look for research, what I should be doing, ANYTHING-please leave me a comment. I have no clue as to where to start. Mind you, we'd really like to buy a house first, because there is no way we have room for a child in our little 2 bedroom duplex that we currently reside in. So, I'm really looking at a 2 year time frame. However, just to be able to say "I'm adopting" out loud and to start to formulate those plans makes me feel so happy and excited-like I'm finally going to be a mom!!!!!
I haven't shared our news with family and friends yet (sorry if you're finding out by reading this), but we will soon. In fact, my brother, SIL and the kids are coming over for dinner tonight, and I plan to tell them then.
I feel like dancing around in circles, arms wide open, face up to the sun, laughing with joy!
I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JAKEANDIAREGOINGTOADOPT!!!!!
Oh, sorry, too fast? Here it is again:
JAKE AND I ARE GOING TO ADOPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, I'm so, so, so super psyched!! He and I had a nice conversation on Friday night about our plans for life, and where we wanted to be in the next couple of years when he dropped the bomb on me that YES, he was *FINALLY* ready for adoption!! I'm all teary-eyed thinking about it.
It's so crazy because he was the one who was the hold out for a biological child, but now he says he's really taken the time to think about it, and knows that biology isn't important, and he'll love an adopted child no differently than a biological one. He doesn't even care about race or if the child is an infant. I myself admit that I'd love to have an infant, only because I really want to experience raising a child from as close to birth as possible, since I won't be the one giving birth.
So, for now, we're still formulating our "adoption plan", but I'm thinking we'll either go foster/adopt (like my parents did with my sisters) or private domestic. The biggest restriction will be costs-as you all know, my broke self can't afford a super-expensive anything.
This is where you all come in. Please, if you know where I should look for research, what I should be doing, ANYTHING-please leave me a comment. I have no clue as to where to start. Mind you, we'd really like to buy a house first, because there is no way we have room for a child in our little 2 bedroom duplex that we currently reside in. So, I'm really looking at a 2 year time frame. However, just to be able to say "I'm adopting" out loud and to start to formulate those plans makes me feel so happy and excited-like I'm finally going to be a mom!!!!!
I haven't shared our news with family and friends yet (sorry if you're finding out by reading this), but we will soon. In fact, my brother, SIL and the kids are coming over for dinner tonight, and I plan to tell them then.
I feel like dancing around in circles, arms wide open, face up to the sun, laughing with joy!
I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Guess I'm Not Alone After All
I just read Julia's post and comments from yesterday, and honestly it's made me feel a lot better about my own situation. It's so easy to forget that I'm not alone out here in the world with my infertility/family planning issues. We're not the only couple affected by endo and male factor. Nor are we the only infertile couple out there who cannot currently afford treatment or adoption. And we certainly aren't the only couple who can't decide/agree upon on which way is best to build our family.
When you're in that place of frustration, depression, fear, and anger, it's so easy to think you ARE the only one. If it weren't for the "internets", I don't know where I'd be today. Just to know that others are going through the same thing, and understand your pain, even if you don't know each other personally-is so empowering, and gives you some hope in this place of darkness.
When you're in that place of frustration, depression, fear, and anger, it's so easy to think you ARE the only one. If it weren't for the "internets", I don't know where I'd be today. Just to know that others are going through the same thing, and understand your pain, even if you don't know each other personally-is so empowering, and gives you some hope in this place of darkness.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Brief Explanations
Not to go into too much detail, as I don't like to hash or bash about my marriage or my husband. However, needless to say, we are at a place in our lives where we're having to do some serious re-evaluating of our lives, including the state of our marriage.
This is not to say that we don't love each other, we do-very much and very deeply. However, there are certain things in my life that I am not willing to compromise upon. If I made these compromises or sacrifices, it would only lead to heartache and bitterness for myself and towards my husband, which would dissolve our marriage anyway.
Alot of this is related to our infertility struggles, and our path to parenthood. We are trying to have an open dialog and understand where the other is coming from, but these conversations are never easy, and are frought with strong emotions. And of course, any path to parenthood we choose is financially burdensome to us at this time, when we already have enough debt to deal with-yet, we are getting older, and getting tired of the wait.
So, between the money and baby issues, there is alot of discussions going on in Casa de Libral Loco. I feel as long as we are talking that there's still a chance for us, and it's a chance I have to take.
I'll be ok, and I appreciate all the love and sentiment I'm receiving from you, my friends. It means the world to me.
This is not to say that we don't love each other, we do-very much and very deeply. However, there are certain things in my life that I am not willing to compromise upon. If I made these compromises or sacrifices, it would only lead to heartache and bitterness for myself and towards my husband, which would dissolve our marriage anyway.
Alot of this is related to our infertility struggles, and our path to parenthood. We are trying to have an open dialog and understand where the other is coming from, but these conversations are never easy, and are frought with strong emotions. And of course, any path to parenthood we choose is financially burdensome to us at this time, when we already have enough debt to deal with-yet, we are getting older, and getting tired of the wait.
So, between the money and baby issues, there is alot of discussions going on in Casa de Libral Loco. I feel as long as we are talking that there's still a chance for us, and it's a chance I have to take.
I'll be ok, and I appreciate all the love and sentiment I'm receiving from you, my friends. It means the world to me.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Cleaning House
I've decided to delete alot of my old posts that I feel were either poorly written, just plain stupid, or discuss/mention people I no longer wish to speak of. I also deleted any work-related posts, just in case "The Man" ever came upon my blog.
I'm also going to try and post alot more fun stuff-all part of the new "happier" me! Notice that I have changed part of my header and profile description as well.
Hope you like the changes!
I'm also going to try and post alot more fun stuff-all part of the new "happier" me! Notice that I have changed part of my header and profile description as well.
Hope you like the changes!
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