Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

I did not have any hopes yesterday of receiving any sort of Valentine's Day gift. Jake and I had celebrated on Sunday by going out to a nice dinner, and I had given him a card, though he had not bought one for me. I teased that he had until Wednesday to buy me one, but didn't really think he'd remember. When I spoke with him yesterday afternoon, he was acting very blase' and once again, I was convinced he had not purchased a card-in fact, when I joked that he could make me one before I got home, he told me he was too busy playing a computer game and wouldn't have time, but that he loved me anyway. I sadly resigned myself to not having any token of my love's affection, but told myself, "Hey, he DOES love you, and it's a silly commercial holiday anyway." When I got home, I set down my purse and coat (as I always do), and walked into the living room to let the dogs outside, when I saw this:

(Please ignore the messy coffee table.) ("Bunny" is our pet name to each other)

Needless to say, I was surpised beyond belief! My roses were absolutely beautiful, my puppy adorable, and my card made me weep (with joy, of course). I love surprises, and my honey certainly pulled one over on me! After almost 12 years together, he never ceases to amaze me. I guess that's what keeps the romance alive.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone!!

More photos:

18 Gorgeous long stemmed roses, a "love puppy" and card that made me weep

Me with my roses.

Natalee and the Love Puppy (so soft!)

Reading my lovely card.

Happy Valentine's Day!

"Love Song"

For Love Thursday:
I absolutely love this photo from my wedding. It was taken as we were walking back down the aisle after being pronounced husband and wife. Yes, my dress was too long, and we had to carry it to keep me from tripping, but that imperfection could not ruin the fact that we were really, and finally married. The look of joy on our faces, especially the way my husband is looking at me, reminds me constantly, even on the worst of days, how much we love each other. I wouldn't trade that love for anything. He is my heart, my soul, my world. No one understands me the way he does, no one knows my little quirks, the pieces that make me who I really am, like him. We've been married for 8 years, together for 11, and we have a lifetime to go. I love you, baby.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone!

Love Song
By The Cure
BestAudioCodes.com

Did I Forget To Mention..

....that Jake got a new job? Oh, sorry about that!

Yes, indeed-y; he was hired by **** (Big Computer Company), after interviewing for 3 different positions. I guess they really wanted him, because they kept calling him for interviews. It's not the position he originally wanted, but his foot's in the door, and he hopes to move up quickly, especially since he's over-qualified for his current position. His first day was yesterday, and it's nice to have him home with me in the evenings and on weekends.

FINALLY, after all these years, we can be together like a normal couple! Wow! I actually get to sleep next to my husband at night? Who'd thunk it?

So, we're hoping that the increase in salary will allow us to pay down debt, build some savings, and then we can buy a house. THEN, it's on to ADOPTION!!! Huzzah! (Does anyone actually use that phrase anymore? Besides the British Navy? I read too many historical novels, obviously.) Things are looking up, and I couldn't be happier!

This One Goes Out To The One I Love

For "Love Thursday":

This photo was taken in the Muir Woods during our vacation in March. This is actually on Jake's 31st birthday (March 16). I was trying to take a self portrait, and Jake snuck up behind me, just as I pressed the button. I didn't even realize it until I reviewed the photo! Needless to say, I cracked up, and still do everytime I look at this photo. Jake's goofball sense of humor is one of the many reasons I love him so much. He and I can just be silly together, and not worry about feeling stupid while doing it. I definitely believe that laughter is an important part of any relationship-if you can keep laughing, then nothing can be that bad!

Happy Love Thursday!!

Monday Miscellaneous

*Thursday morning, I threw my neck out by, get this, brushing my teeth. I kid you not. Only I am capable of achieving this level of pathetic-ness. I still had to come into work and open the office, but only because it was too late to call my backup (Aimee). I literally could not move my neck, and was sitting as stiffly as possible. Luckily, my Chiropractor of 15 years was able to get me going again. I *heart* my Chiropractor-so much so, his daughter was one of my flower girls at my wedding.

*Friday night and most of Saturday were spent in bed, snuggling and watching t.v. with Jake, who called in sick to his night job (he really *was* sick, kind of). It was wonderful! There's nothing quite like lying around, under your comfy feather duvet, watching crap t.v. I'm trying to enjoy our alone time, because once we have our child, those times are ovah. At least, for 18 years or so.

*Saturday afternoon (when we finally managed to drag ourselves out of bed) we went to see School for Scoundrels, the new Billy Bob Thornton/Jon Heder movie. I wanted to see this because I love Billy Bob. Sure, he plays the same cynical asshole in all his movies, but I *love* that cynical asshole. I can even overlook his weird phobia against antiques, and that whole wearing-of-the-blood-in-the-necklace-thing when he was married to Angelina. The movie itself was ok, I'd give it a "B"-definitely worth the matinee price, but I wouldn't pay full price. Funny, but not hilarious.

*Great new download for the iPod: "Sexy Love" by Ne-Yo

*Great read: Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA by Ellen Meister. Hilarious, touching, quick read. Check it out today!

*Today's high in Oklahoma City: 91 . Now tell me there isn't global warming!!

Later, Taters!!

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

I had my first adoption dream last night. It was brief, but wonderful.

I dreamt that we had adopted a bi-racial (Hispanic/CA) little girl as an infant, and my dream was taking place when she was 20 months old. I remember trying to wipe some chocolate off her face, and when I told her it was time for a bath, she said "No, Mama! No bath!" I just laughed and told her "Too bad, baby. You're getting one anyway."

I suppose somehow in my dream I knew that Jake and I were supposed to go away for a weekend-our first since our daughter's arrival into our lives. We were going to leave her with my mother, but as I was drying my daughter off, Jake came in the bathroom and said, "I don't think I can leave her." I looked at him, then our daughter and said, "I don't think I can, either."

It left me feeling so full of love and happiness. Just the idea of my child is enough to warm my heart. Our child is most likely not even conceived yet, however, s/he is alive and well within me-my mind and heart. I see children, and now, where there used to be bitterness that they weren't mine, there is now hope and joy, and the wonder whether my child will resemble them.

Just to feel positive, and yes, even alive again, is a feeling I wouldn't trade for the world. The only thing better than this will be when I'm holding my child in my arms for the first time.

Love, Love, Love.....

In honor of "Love Thursday", I present to you:

This is my favorite picture of Jake and I. It was taken at his brother's wedding, June 2002. We had no idea the picture was taken, and when my mother-in-law sent it to me for my birthday that year, I burst into tears upon viewing it because I thought we looked so in love. Everyone who views this photo (in its frame) says that it looks like the paper photos that come with the frame.

This photo was taken during our March vacation to California, on the beach in Santa Barbara. I thought it would look great in a scrapbook, plus I'd always wanted to make a cheesy "love heart" in the sand at the beach. In case you can't see, it says "Jake & Natalee '06". I'm streching my arms to show not only how large the heart is, but how much I love my husband.

Bummed *Updated*

I was hoping to post some great news today, but alas, such news did not arrive.

Hubby interviewed last week for a job with **** (major computer company that is now recalling their laptop batteries), and for once, his shy-prone self gave "good interview" and he really felt positive that he would be hired. However, today's deadline for "hearing something" has now come and gone, and nada.

What really sucks is that if he would've been hired, we could've lived off his salary (which would've been more than both of our currently combined incomes) and I could've paid down enormous sums of debt with mine.

I know the longer his job search takes, the more depressed he gets, not to mention the financial strain on us and our relationship. It's very demeaning to him as a man, to be the age he is (31), and not be further along in his career prospects. I know alot of it has to do with our moving back here 6 years ago, especially considering that Oklahoma is definitely not known to be a place where one can easily secure an IT position. However, I really, really, couldn't stay in D.C. another day when I left, and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and/or suicide when I made the decision to leave. Now, I feel guilty that I've screwed us for life.

As much as I love being near my family and friends here in OK, I feel that a move for us inevitable, perhaps even back to D.C. It's come to a point where I'm gonna have to suck it up and go wherever he can land a good-paying job, just so that we can move ahead with our lives.

Sigh. This sucks.

****UPDATED TO ADD****:

Yeah, apparantly my husband, aka he-who-never-checks-his-freakin'-email, missed a "rejection email" from **** that was sent LAST FRIDAY-2 days AFTER he interviewed. Way to go, honey!

So, I guess the search continues!! In the meantime, he's been promoted at one of his 2 jobs to Shift Manager, but it's not much more money, however every bit helps, I suppose. I'm also interviewing for a part-time job on Monday to be a part of a crew cleaning a school from 6-9 pm M-F. My BF, Aimee, and I are going to do this together for a few months to make some extra money--she to pay off debt before she gives birth in March, and me to pay off debt before I have to start paying back my student loans in November. Hopefully this will work out for the best.

Brief Explanations

Not to go into too much detail, as I don't like to hash or bash about my marriage or my husband. However, needless to say, we are at a place in our lives where we're having to do some serious re-evaluating of our lives, including the state of our marriage.

This is not to say that we don't love each other, we do-very much and very deeply. However, there are certain things in my life that I am not willing to compromise upon. If I made these compromises or sacrifices, it would only lead to heartache and bitterness for myself and towards my husband, which would dissolve our marriage anyway.

Alot of this is related to our infertility struggles, and our path to parenthood. We are trying to have an open dialog and understand where the other is coming from, but these conversations are never easy, and are frought with strong emotions. And of course, any path to parenthood we choose is financially burdensome to us at this time, when we already have enough debt to deal with-yet, we are getting older, and getting tired of the wait.

So, between the money and baby issues, there is alot of discussions going on in Casa de Libral Loco. I feel as long as we are talking that there's still a chance for us, and it's a chance I have to take.

I'll be ok, and I appreciate all the love and sentiment I'm receiving from you, my friends. It means the world to me.

Why Is It...

Everyone else's life is coming together, just as mine is slowly falling apart?

Because It's Friday...

and I'm in love.