Dark Clouds Rolling In

My old nemesis, Depression, is knocking on my door. I never care for its visits-draining me of energy, happiness, and any joy I may have in life. This month has been really hard. To have my hopes dashed for the millionth time has set off a chain reaction that I cannot seem to stop. I think the largest part of my pain lies in the fact that everyone I know is moving ahead with their parental goals or plans, and as always, I'm left behind. Either my friends are pregnant (most unexpectedly), "paper" pregnant (in the process of adoption), or have already adopted. All I have is the desire to be a parent. I am so, so, SO very happy for all of my friends, yet after 8 years of this shit, I'm ready to move on and join them.

We can't conceive a child, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to pursue ART anymore, yet I cannot start any of the adoption proceedings that I so desperately wish I could. We are in no way prepared to even start a home study-our home is too small, and we're thinking of downsizing to a one bedroom apartment for awhile just to save money to pay off our debts.

Debt-yet another reason that our adoption proceedings are delayed. I know, it's our (well, mostly my) fault for letting spending get out of control. Until our debts are paid down, we cannot buy a house, or pay an agency to pursue an adoption. I'm so sick of staying in this holding pattern-it's repetitive, boring, and most of all frustrating. I'm almost 30, and yet I don't feel like an adult. Most of the milestones that define adulthood: college graduate, homeowner, parent, I have yet to reach.

I guess I'm just sad, frustrated, and burned out to some degree. I know only I can change my circumstances, and my outlook, but I guess I just have to wallow in it for a day or so. I'll be OK, I always am, eventually.

If You Blog About It, It Will Come

Yeah, so um, never mind about that last post.

Apparently, my asshole uterus got wind that my Hope Meter was on high, and decided to lay a smack down-and at a birthing class (with Aimee, I'm her labor "companion"), no less.

Added to this unwelcome "surprise": seeing how loving all the couples were to each other in the birthing class-knowing Jake and I will never get to share that experience- and then at the end of class, having the instructor inquiring as to when I'm due. Yeah, great.

Thank G-d that was our last class.

Think I'll have a stiff drink and a nice painkiller now.

Something's Missing At The End Of This Sentence

....and it's the same thing that's been missing for almost 3 weeks

If it doesn't make an appearance soon, I'll be forced to invite FRED over

I don't like FRED, because FRED never has any "positive" news for me

After 8 years, you'd think I'd be used to that by now, but I'm not

All this does is up my Hope Meter, and we all know what a dissapointment that can be

The daydreams get stronger the longer this thing stays away

The a.m. nausea (twice now) doesn't help, either

Other than that, there's no evidence of anything at all, one way or another

(Sigh) Well, like I keep telling myself, even if something does finally show up, it's not a big deal, because someday I'll have something to hold in my arms, even if it's not made from me

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

I did not have any hopes yesterday of receiving any sort of Valentine's Day gift. Jake and I had celebrated on Sunday by going out to a nice dinner, and I had given him a card, though he had not bought one for me. I teased that he had until Wednesday to buy me one, but didn't really think he'd remember. When I spoke with him yesterday afternoon, he was acting very blase' and once again, I was convinced he had not purchased a card-in fact, when I joked that he could make me one before I got home, he told me he was too busy playing a computer game and wouldn't have time, but that he loved me anyway. I sadly resigned myself to not having any token of my love's affection, but told myself, "Hey, he DOES love you, and it's a silly commercial holiday anyway." When I got home, I set down my purse and coat (as I always do), and walked into the living room to let the dogs outside, when I saw this:

(Please ignore the messy coffee table.) ("Bunny" is our pet name to each other)

Needless to say, I was surpised beyond belief! My roses were absolutely beautiful, my puppy adorable, and my card made me weep (with joy, of course). I love surprises, and my honey certainly pulled one over on me! After almost 12 years together, he never ceases to amaze me. I guess that's what keeps the romance alive.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone!!

More photos:

18 Gorgeous long stemmed roses, a "love puppy" and card that made me weep

Me with my roses.

Natalee and the Love Puppy (so soft!)

Reading my lovely card.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Chicks Rule and Freedom of Speech Wins!

Although I didn't watch the Grammy's last night (Jake and I were celebrating V-Day early), I was more than pleased to find out that the Dixie Chicks won all 5 of their nominated categories, and I don't care if they won for political reasons or not. Their album (Taking the Long Way) is actually a really great album, and it's not unreasonable to think that they won based upon artistic merit. However, if the vote was political, it's nice to see someone be rewarded (albeit, a bit late, IMO) for actually speaking out, and not forced to maintain the "status quo". I've always been a fan of the Chicks, and have become an even bigger fan since the entire snafu.

For anyone who thinks that celebrities shouldn't be spouting their political beliefs, I ask you "Why not?". Just because they are famous, doesn't take away the fact that they are also Americans, who are protected under the rights of Free Speech-the same rights you and I have. Don't other bloggers (like myself) express their political and social opinions in a public forum, and aren't many of them now infamous because of their blogs? What's the difference there? Or with a newscaster making political commentary? The simple fact is, there isn't one. Let us all not become the mindless lemmings who follow the propaganda blindly without informing ourselves of the real issues, and of what's important to ourselves as individuals. What's right for you may not be right for me, but we should all become educated on WHY we believe what we do, and I mean REALLY educated-not just listening to others' opinions, but forming our own based on real research from all sources. And don't be afraid to listen to a differing opinion, because you might actually learn something. If our Founding Fathers had not found their voice, and became famous dissidents, then there wouldn't be an America. Because they spoke out against what they felt was a tyrannical ruler, and they stood up for their beliefs, and were willing to fight for them, we now have the right and privilege to do the same. Let us honor them by following their great example.

*Rant over*

I Would Spend 3 or 4 Lines...

I love this song.

Quarterback Stink

I wish I could say that I pity Rex Grossman, because in Chicago he's now persona non grata-but, I can't. Damn, I really wanted my Bears to win, too.

Well, guess there's always next year.

PS: I love me some Prince; yes, sir I do.

Little Golden Buddy

Oh how I LOVE Oscar time!!! Every year, I wait with baited breath for the nominees to be announced, then I do my own critique of said nominations, and then anxiously count down the days until show time.

The gowns, the speeches, the extremely-too-long telecast - all a sumptuous feast for my senses.

So, here's this year's list of nominees. And here is who I think should win, and who I think will win:

Picture:

Should Win: "The Queen"
Will Win: "Babel"

Best Actor:

Should Win: Forest Whitaker
Will Win: Forest Whitaker, though I could be wrong and they could give Peter O'Toole the "sympathy Oscar"

Best Actress:

Should Win: Helen Mirren
Will Win: Helen Mirren

Best Supporting Actor:

Should Win: Alan Arkin
Will Win: Alan Arkin, although there could be an upset and they give it to Eddie Murphy

Best Supporting Actress:

Should Win: Jennifer Hudson
Will Win: Cate Blanchett

Best Director:

Should Win: Martin Scorsese
Will Win: Martin Scorsese (even if voters want to give it to Clint Eastwood, they'll give Marty the sympathy vote)

Do any of you like the Oscars? Will you be watching? Do you even care? Who are your picks? Share with me, people!!

Bleh

That's how I feel right now. I'm just really uninspired and can't muster up the energy to whip up a post right now. I think alot of it has to do with my life right now. Everything is great, but there's also not alot happening, so therefore, there's nothing much to share. Sometimes, that can be a good thing. There are some things that are possibly in the works, but I really can't talk about them right now, until I have more information or the plans are finalized.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here, and I'm checking out other blogs everyday, and will eventually have something meaningful or humerous to say. Thanks for checking in!

Straight Pimpin'

Do you like Electronic/Trance/Dance music? Know of anyone who does? Then check out my hubby's websites:

Soundclick

MySpace

Even though I don't always like all of the songs/music he creates, I'm proud of him none the less. It's not easy being creative, and he puts his all into it. Anyway, just thought I'd brag on my man for a change!

Thanks!

Miss Me?

I have returned!!

The trip was extended by 2 days due to severe weather and illness. However, we had a great time, and it was really nice to see my husband's family.

Now, I have to play catch-up at home and work, so I'm still going to be out of the loop for awhile. Hopefully, by Sunday, everything will be back on track. I have several posts I'm working on (in my head), I just don't have the time to type them out yet. I spent last night catching up on everyone else's blog posts, and it looks like alot of exciting things went down in just a week (more on that later)!

Thanks for your patience, and I'll "talk" to you later!

Thanks!

...for all of the "get well" wishes. They must have worked, because I feel 100% better now. Just in time for my PMS to kick in.

New Year's was a nice, low-key event. My brother, SIL, her sister and husband, and Aimee were over and we ate good food, watched "Saw II" (not my idea-but I was out-voted) and played a rousing round of "Scene It" in which we were divided up into 3 teams of 2 and I was a team of 1. Why? Because I am The Shit at trivia games. So, of course I beat everyone for the win. Modest, aren't I? Hey, I have zero athletic ability, so I have do something to satisfy my overly-competitive nature.

Speaking of competitions, my beloved Sooners lost to Boise State by 1 point in OT at the Fiesta Bowl. It was one of the greatest football games I have ever watched. Boise State fought hard and they deserved their win-much as I am loathe to admit. It was well worth staying up after midnight for.

I suppose this really will be my last entry until my return from vacation on the 15th. I have so much to do this week, and no time to do it. I have lots to discuss, but you'll just have to be patient for a little while longer.

I hope you all had a safe, and Happy New Year!

Stomach Flu

It's the pits!

This is not the way I wanted to end Christmas and start my New Year. Hopefully, the Dr. will be able to prescribe something, anything, to ease my suffering when I have my appointment this afternoon.

It's in the Cards

Here are the Christmas cards I have received so far this year. I send out cards because it's something I like to do, and it's a way to connect-at least once a year-to those I care about. It means even more to me when I receive cards in return.

Several of these cards are from YOU, my Internet friends. Though I've never met any of you in person, nor heard your voice over a phone line, we've connected and bonded in a way I rarely do with those I see in the everyday. Several of you have known me for at least 4 or 5 years-the "B1" days. Most of you have moved on from infertility, and have already created a family, or are in the process of doing so. Just the fact that we can stay in touch-after all this time-and still wish each other well, fills my heart with a joy and love I cannot adequately describe. I know you may think it's "just a card", but to me, it's a symbol of love.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you, and wish you all the best this Holiday Season.

Oh! So THAT's What I'm Getting for Christmas!!

NSFW. So go home, turn up your speakers, and prepare to laugh your ass off!

"Holiday Road"

Well, folks, as you can tell, I've been too busy to blog lately. Also, there really hasn't been much to say. So, I think I'm going to take a blogging break until I return from my trip to DC to see my in-laws on January 14. I may post once or twice in that time frame, but it will be just a little something to let you know I'm still around.

Hopefully, I'll have more to say in the New Year.

In the meantime, allow myself, my family, and Mr. Hankey (along with all the other South Park kids) wish you and yours a Very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah (what's left of it), Happy Kwanzaa, and a Happy New Year!

Be safe, be Merry, and don't drink and dial!

Comment Problems *UPDATED*

Update:

Well, looks like whatever the problem was, is now fixed!! Huzzah!

For some reason, Blogger is not letting people w/o the beta accounts comment on my page. I don't know why, since I made the switch a while back, and have had comments from these same people since then.

If you can't comment under your usual name, just choose "anonymous" and sign your name to the comment. Hopefully, they'll fix whatever the issue is soon.

Thanks!

Ties That Bind

If you've read me long enough you'll know that my best friend, Aimee, is having a baby boy in March. His name will be Isaiah.

What you don't know is that I am Aimee's birth coach/partner. For the first time, I'll get to be in the delivery room when new life is brought forth. I'll see Isaiah take his first breath, and hear his cry. Of course, the father will also be there, but because he attends school during the day and works full time at night, he couldn't attend the pre-natal and birthing classes, and that's where I come in.

We've only had 2 classes so far, but they have been extremely enlightening. I've learned a lot about pre-natal nutrition and development. I've also come to another startling realization-even though I cannot see him, and can only feel his movements externally, I'm already in love with this baby. By investing so much of my time in learning about his growth and development, by being the first person (besides his mother) to view and hear his heartbeat, by witnessing the changes he's bringing to his mother's body, by helping to prepare his nursery and layette, I'm forming an external bond in my heart with this child who shares no familial ties to myself. I cannot wait to hold him, kiss him, care for him, alongside his parents.

Another positive realization is: I can participate in the pregnancy and not feel envy or sorrow. I'm excited, not sad. There was a time, not too long ago when this would not have been possible. My emotional growth and well being are another sign of how ready and accepting I am of adoption. These classes are also educating me about the changes that will happen to my child's birth mother, and reinforces to me how much of a sacrifice placing her child with me really is. I can only hope that I honor my birthmother with the appropriate level of love and respect she truly deserves.

In the meantime, I have little Isaiah to keep me occupied, and I can't wait to meet this newest member of my "family of choice".

Gonna Need A Latte

To get through today. It's 1:30 am and I'm still wide awake. I'm like this every freakin' Sunday evening. Thank god for Star*bucks, without their Venti Latte's I'd never make it through my Mondays.

I'm so desperate for entertainment, I resorted to watching this tonight. Yep, it's that bad. Damn Duggars.

Wish me luck (and rest!)

Do Overs?

My friend Aitch asks: "If you could go back [10 years], what would you tell yourself?" Great question. Here's what I said:

I’d definitely go back in time and tell myself:

1) Stop being so effing dramatic-it’s stupid and tiresome.

2) Get your finances in order!! Avoid huge amounts of debt later in life this way!

3) GO TO COLLEGE!!

4) Stop spending money on birth control, you don’t need it, you’re both infertile!! Take that money and pay off bills!!

5) Don’t depend on your mother for *anything*. She will consistantly let you down. Also, don’t let her steal your wedding photos, and take ALOT longer in planning your wedding, so it can be the one you’ve dreamed of, not the shitfest it was.

6) Your boyfriend (now hubby) loves you. More than life itself. Get some self-esteem and stop doubting it. He will spend the rest of his life with you, and you’ll never regret it.

7) Keep a clean house!! You’re a pig!!

8) Learn to let shit slide. Really, every little thing doesn’t have to get blown out of proportion and turn into a screaming match.

9) For God’s sake, you’re thin now!!! Stop eating junk, you’ll get really, really, REALLY fat if you don’t start working out now!!

10) Your boyfriend’s parents (my in-laws) like you, they just wish you’d stop being so dramatic. They’ll really love you later, and you’ll love them back.

Wow, guess there’s a lot I would change. But, that’s maturity for you!