It's Monday...

...that means it's time to laugh at the President:



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh George!! You ARE good for chuckle!! (and that's about ALL you're good for!)

Guess I'm Not Alone After All

I just read Julia's post and comments from yesterday, and honestly it's made me feel a lot better about my own situation. It's so easy to forget that I'm not alone out here in the world with my infertility/family planning issues. We're not the only couple affected by endo and male factor. Nor are we the only infertile couple out there who cannot currently afford treatment or adoption. And we certainly aren't the only couple who can't decide/agree upon on which way is best to build our family.

When you're in that place of frustration, depression, fear, and anger, it's so easy to think you ARE the only one. If it weren't for the "internets", I don't know where I'd be today. Just to know that others are going through the same thing, and understand your pain, even if you don't know each other personally-is so empowering, and gives you some hope in this place of darkness.

My Hot New Summer Jam

I LOVE this song! I think it's so sexy when JT says "I'll let you whip me if I misbehave." Come on over here, Justin, I'll spank you!! LOL!!!!

Brief Explanations

Not to go into too much detail, as I don't like to hash or bash about my marriage or my husband. However, needless to say, we are at a place in our lives where we're having to do some serious re-evaluating of our lives, including the state of our marriage.

This is not to say that we don't love each other, we do-very much and very deeply. However, there are certain things in my life that I am not willing to compromise upon. If I made these compromises or sacrifices, it would only lead to heartache and bitterness for myself and towards my husband, which would dissolve our marriage anyway.

Alot of this is related to our infertility struggles, and our path to parenthood. We are trying to have an open dialog and understand where the other is coming from, but these conversations are never easy, and are frought with strong emotions. And of course, any path to parenthood we choose is financially burdensome to us at this time, when we already have enough debt to deal with-yet, we are getting older, and getting tired of the wait.

So, between the money and baby issues, there is alot of discussions going on in Casa de Libral Loco. I feel as long as we are talking that there's still a chance for us, and it's a chance I have to take.

I'll be ok, and I appreciate all the love and sentiment I'm receiving from you, my friends. It means the world to me.

Why Is It...

Everyone else's life is coming together, just as mine is slowly falling apart?

Cyndi Lauper - She Bop

Here's the video-it's kind of obvious now that I watch it as an adult!

Lyrical Revelations

Here I am, sitting at my computer, listening to yet another of my fabulous mixes-this one is total 80's music. Up comes Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop", a fun, good-time song with a catchy chorus and hook, right? I'd never taken the time to really listen to the lyrics before, I'd just assumed the song was about some sort of bop-type dance that a girl is doing. Suddenly this line: "They say I better stop-or I'll go blind" caught my ear. "Holy Crap!", I thought, this song is about masturbation. Not that there's anything wrong with that at all, but in my innocent childhood, I was singing along and dancing to a song about self-love without even knowing it. Then again, I used to think "Little Red Corvette" was really about a girl driving a fast car. So, there you go.

I submit to you Ms. Lauper's lyrics for your own "pleasure", so to speak:

CYNDI LAUPER lyrics - "She Bop"

(Cyndi Lauper, Stephen Broughton Lunt, Gary Corbett, Rick Chertoff)

We-hell-I see them every night in tight blue jeans -In the pages of a blue boy magazine

Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation

I'm picking up - good vibration -Oop - she bop

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar

Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more

Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine

They say I better stop - or I'll go blind

Oop - she bop - she bop

She bop--he bop--a--we bop

I bop--you bop--a--they bop

Be bop--be bop--a--lu--she bop,

I hope He will understand

She bop--he bop--a--we bop

I bop--you bop--a--they bop

Be bop--be bop--a--lu--she bop,

Oo--oo--she--do--she bop--she bop

(whistle along here)

...Hey, hey - they say I better get a chaperone

Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone

No, I won't worry, and I won't fret

Ain't no law against it yet

Oop - she bop - she bop

She bop - he bop - we bop...

Dear Mr. President

Love her or hate her, this is a great political song for my generation.

Vote Today!!

Attention fellow Okies! Don't forget that today is Primary Election Day. Polls are open until 7 pm, so please be sure to get out and vote!

Our biggest concerns are for the U.S. Congressional seat (5th Dist.) vacated by Ernest Istook (so that he can run a losing campaign for Governor). We MUST rally together and put a Democrat in that seat!!! Other important races: State Senator and Lt. Governor.

November is coming soon, and with it, the crucial mid-term elections. What decisions we make in today's vote will great affect the strength of our campaign to end Republican dominance in this state.

For a full list of all the candidates, please click here (PDF form-you must have the Adobe reader installed to view).

Ticking Away!

So, since I'm not pregnant, can't get pregnant (at least not anytime soon), but want to be a part of the "in" crowd, I got myself one of those "tickers" you see on blogs and bb's all the time.

You know the ones I'm talking about-they count down pregnancies to the due date or say people's children's ages in days, weeks, months and years. My little green monster thought I shouldn't be excluded, sooooo, if you scroll down to the bottom of my page, you'll see a ticker that states my age and counts down the time until my next birthday. Pretty handy, if I say so myself.

DJ Mixmaster N.D.

I love sitting at my home computer (like I am now, duh), playing mindless computer games, like solitaire, and listening to my killer compilation mixes.

My music folder on my computer takes up 12.9 Gigs of space, consisting of 187 folders and 4,278 files of individual songs. That doesn't even count the stuff I have on CD! Needless to say, I'm a music lover of the highest level. Music has always been an important part of my life, and while I know that so passe to say, it's definitely true for me. I'm the daughter of a musician, and from the womb, rhythm and beats have had a profound affect on me. My mother is also a huge music lover, but her taste is nowhere near as diverse or eclectic as mine. In fact, it took my husband to start opening my ears to some diversity. His love of electronic music has played a big factor in what I listen to, especially his own creations. I also managed a CD store for a couple of years and just for kicks, would go around the store, pick out 5 random albums, and put them on shuffle on our in-house stereo system for customers (the overhead music you hear). This is how I learned to love jazz, blues, reggae, and a lot of imports from Europe. Now, I'm in the habit of taking friends' suggestions of bands I've never heard, and taking them for a spin. This has brought me Kasabian, Snow Patrol, The Killers, Keane, Bloc Party, The Flaming Lips, Frou Frou, The Postal Service, Sugarland, and so much more. I buy, I download, I collect. Then, I take that mass synergy of sound and create my own little world to fit whatever mood I'm in.

My mixes are THE SHIT, if I may say so myself. When most people hear my mixes, either on my computer, or in a CD I've made for my car, they're suitably impressed. I'm actually considering starting my own internet radio station, just to share my collection with others, but I need to work out the logistics on that one, such as server usage, file sharing, legalities, etc. Believe it or not, for someone who loves mixes as much as I do, I don't own an iPod. I'm hoping to buy the iPod shuffle for myself when I get the extra $70, just so I can jam out on my lunch break, or to get me off my ass and start walking again. It would definitely make exercise less boring, in my opinion. If I don't have it before, I do hope to get one for my birthday in October. That would be a cool 29th b-day present to myself, or from someone else who wants to spring for it!

Anyway, here's an example of what I'm talking about-this is just a sampling of some of the songs that are in the mix session I'm listening to as I type this:

*So Here We Are-Bloc Party
*The Luckiest-Ben Folds Five
*Hung Up-Madonna
*SexyBack-Justin Timberlake
*Mad World-Gary Jules
*Fade Into You-Mazzy Star
*Moviekiss-Y.O.U.
*Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon
*The Blower's Daughter-Damien Rice
*Golden Years-David Bowie
*Babylon & Please Forgive Me-David Gray
*Take Me Out-Franz Ferdinand
*Crazy-Gnarls Barkley
*Banana Pancakes, Better Together, Flake & Sitting, Waiting, Wishing-Jack Johnson
*Canned Heat-Jamiroquai
*Club Foot-Kasabian
*Never There-Cake
*Karma Police-Radiohead
*Everything & You and Me-Lifehouse
* I know-Jude
*Times Like These-Foo Fighters
*Float On-Modest Mouse
*Love Song-311
*Don't Panic-Coldplay
*In the Waiting Line-Zero
*Let Go-Frou Frou
*If You Leave-OMD
*Porcelain-Moby
*Superman-Five for Fighting
*Don't Dream It's Over-Sixpence None The Richer
*Only-Nine Inch Nails
*Dani California-Red Hot Chili Peppers
*Run-Snow Patrol
*Mr. Brightside-The Killers
*Open Up Your Eyes-Tonic

Over 3 hours of great music!! Seriously though, if anyone wants a mix CD, just tell me what you want on it, or what "mood" you'd prefer, and if you want it in CD or mp3 format, and I'd be glad to burn one and mail it to you.

Ironic, Isn't It?

Just say "NO" to stem cell research vetos!!!

For Erin:

Your blog title says it all:

Congratulations to you and John on the arrival and referral of your new baby daughter!

Because It's Friday...

and I'm in love.

Remember, Kids-Facism Begins At Home!

Hmmmm.....remind you of anything?

Just My Luck

As always, my life wouldn't be mine if I didn't have some sort of drama occurring at all times.

The latest: my best friend is (very) unexpectedly pregnant. Unexpected, not only because she was using a condom, but because in her previous long-term relationship, she did not use condoms, nor birth control, yet never became pregnant (by a man who already had 2 children). So, once again, everyone else but me can breed.

I will admit, I did cry a small bit the day before we confirmed the pregnancy (with a FRED in a Wal-Mart bathroom of all things), because of course, again, it's not me who is pregnant. However, these were not the huge, racking sobs of yesteryear, just a quiet stream running down my face for about 10 minutes. Then, I was over it. And now? I'm very excited. My friend is really involving me, to the point of asking that I be in the delivery room with her. She is also extremely understanding and knows that a part of me is hurting. I *heart* her.

I'm blessed to have such great friends. All of our friends who have found out, have asked her how I'm doing, because they all know about my infertility struggles. The fact that they care, and understand, means a lot to me.

So, I guess I am doing better. Used to be, I would've been devastated by this news, and extremely jealous. Now, I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of a little one to spoil. Big, HUGE, improvement.

In other news, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Doing the same things, day after day, year after year. Nothing changes. Not my job, my activities, nothing. Yet, everyone else seems to have major changes happening in their lives. Jake and I are not making any strides towards improving ourselves. Well, except for his graduation from our 2 yr college. However, he has yet to be offered a job, despite putting out his resume and going on 2 interviews. But, it is partly his fault. He's not networking and putting his resume out there the way he should be. I've already informed him that I cannot be 31, married for 10 years, and not own a house, or be on my way to having a family. He has agreed that it is time for a change, so now he has 2 years to get the ball rolling (that's when I'll be 31 and married for 10 yrs) or else. What that "or else" is, I haven't figured out, but I'm sure it involves a swift kick in the arse from me to him.

I'm sure you are asking yourself: well, what the fuck is her problem? Why can't she get off her ass and do something? Quite frankly, I am. I work full-time, and my salary pays the largest majority of our bills. Also, I've tried going to school, and have completed 3 semesters, but right now my work schedule prohibits me from taking the classes I need to advance in school. I tried it last semester, and ended up having to drop out, because it wasn't working. So, until Jake has a better paying job, allowing me to drop my working hours to part-time, school is on the back burner for me. Also, without a larger salary from Jake, there is no way we can afford IVF or adoption, so that too, is a problem.

Anyway, just wanted to update on what's going on in my life. I'll now return to the videos and political ranting posts.

Karma's a Bitch, Ken!

Well, this is one way to avoid prison!

Enron founder Ken Lay dies of heart attack
Ex-Enron exec convicted of helping perpetuate huge business fraud

Feliz Cuatro de Julio!

Hey everybody! Have a happy, safe, fun-filled 4th! I'll be at my brother's house, doing the typical American traditional thing: swimming, eating grilled hamburgers and hotdogs, watching fireworks at the park, and singing patriotic songs that make me teary-eyed and remind me why I still love my country, even though I may not like the direction it's going in. I also love any occasion where I can spend time with my family, and get paid for not coming to work! Win-win all around! See you Wednesday!

The Next Christina?

Holy crap! This kid's got some pipes! She gave me goosebumps. I think we're looking at the next Christina Aguliera.

This Message Is Brought To You By The "Liberal Agenda"

Did you know, that ..

I'm such a fact geek! I actually knew some of these!

Cleaning House

I've decided to delete alot of my old posts that I feel were either poorly written, just plain stupid, or discuss/mention people I no longer wish to speak of. I also deleted any work-related posts, just in case "The Man" ever came upon my blog.

I'm also going to try and post alot more fun stuff-all part of the new "happier" me! Notice that I have changed part of my header and profile description as well.

Hope you like the changes!

Foo For You!

Is someone getting the best of you?

Fun Time With Celebrities!

This is the funniest shit I have seen in ages! Man, I wish that Britney interview had gone down like that!

No Screech, I will not "Save Your House". Look man, it's called financial responsibility. I can't help it if you spent all of your "Saved By The Bell" money on hookers and blow-I don't see Mark Paul Gosselar or Mario Lopez hittin' me up for dough. Why don't you take the money you're spending on promoting your cause online and use it towards your mortgage? Makes sense to me!

Hilary Duff Is Chaste: Look girlie, if you're really "saving yourself", more power to ya. However, last time I checked anal and oral are also defined as "sex". Oh, and handjobs count, too, so does "dry humping" with your panties on. I knew chicks in high school who got pregnant that way! PS: Eat something, will ya?!

Hey Pete, do us all a favor and OD already, would you? You're obviously not interested in rehab, and we're not amused by your antics anymore.

Dear Lindsay Lohan:

Unless you are in a movie that requires it as some sort of lame plot point, or are auditioning for a part in a revival of "West Side Story", dance-off's are for losers. Really, what do you think you're trying to prove? Oh, look at me! I can shake my ass better than you! Ohhhh...I'm so scared of you now! You're so hard! Just FYI...

xo,

Nat

Food For Thought....

Now, get off your ass, get informed, and get out there and VOTE!!

And, while you're at it, check out this site-interesting reading.

Happy Anniversary, Baby

Eight years ago today, you made your wife.

You've made me so happy, been so supportive, and shown me what unconditional love really is.

I love you, honey. Thank you for marrying me.

Not The Most Conventional Romantic

Jake has never been a "traditional" romantic. Which, despite my ever-loving romantic heart, doesn't bother me. However, he does have his moments-for instance:

* The time he surprised me by sending flowers to my office for my birthday-the first time ever in our relationship that he's done that.

* The time he woke me up at 3 am on Valentine's Day with a dozen roses and a mushy card.

* The time he made reservations-reservations, people!!-to one of the oldest, fanciest restaurants in D.C.; a place with a dress code! for V-Day. Oh, be still my beating heart! Sure, we double-dated with my BIL and his wife, but the $150 dinner was one of the most memorable moments in my life.

* Earlier that same day, we had gone ice skating on The Mall, in the sculpture garden; also one of the most memorable moments of my life. *sigh*

But, to truly prove my point that my husband is the least traditonally romantic man in the world, I present to you his idea of a great "wedding song":

"We're In This Together"

I've become impossible

holding on to when

when everything seemed to matter more

the two of us

all used and beaten up

watching fate as it flow down the path we

have chose

you and me

we're in this together now

none of them can stop us now

we will make it through somehow

you and me

if the world should break in two

until the very end of me

until the very end of you

awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin

they pick and they pull

trying to get their fingers in

well they've got to kill what we've found

well they've got to hate what we fear

well they've got to make it go away

well they've got to make it disappear

the farther I fall I'm beside you

as lost as I get I will find you

the deeper the wound I'm inside you

for ever and ever I'm a part of

you and me

we're in this together now

none of them can stop us now

we will make it through somehow

you and me

if the world should break in two

until the very end of me

until the very end of you

all that we were is gone we have to hold on

all that we were is gone we have to hold on

when all our hope is gone we have to hold on

all that we were is gone but we can hold on

you and me

we're in this together now

none of them can stop us now

we will make it through somehow

you and me

even after everything you're the queen and I'm the king

nothing else means anything

(music and lyrics by Trent Reznor)

Sweet, isn't it?

Don't Like Liberals?

Oh What A Feeling!

I had one of "those" dreams last night. You know the ones-the pregnancy dreams. The ones that usually leave an infertile woman bereft, and in an ill mood for the rest of the day. The ones that make you never want to wake up, because the dream is so wonderful.

However, I am excited to report that instead of feeling down today, I'm actually happy and peaceful. That is a significant change for me, and gives me hope that this "happy mode" of mine is around to stay.

The dream itself was wonderful, but weird, as dreams usually are. I was in a Wal*Mart-type store, looking for some clothes, when my best friend asked me why I wasn't looking in the maternity section, since regular clothes wouldn't fit anymore. It was then that I suddenly "remembered" that I was indeed pregnant! I looked down at my body in awe and saw that I must have lost a significant amount of weight prior to conceiving, because even my pregnant body was smaller overall than what I am now. I wandered over to the baby furniture to price cribs, and Jake met me over there. We both looked at each other in amazement and let out a shriek of joy because it hit us that we were going to finally be parents. It was so sweet and wonderful to have that feeling of love and joy wash over us. I also knew for some reason, that we were having a boy, which is odd only because I had a different dream the other night that I was holding my newborn son.

All in all I am greatly encouraged that I can find a peace in these images, that I no longer wake up crying and asking "why me". I feel so positive at the moment that these dreams will become a reality sooner rather than later. I don't know how or why I feel that way, but I just hope that the "intuition" is correct. Guess I'll just have to wait and see-and for the first time, I'm looking forward to it.

The Devil In Disguise

Well, it is 06-06-06 you know!!

Stepping Out Into The Sun

I know I have been extremely remiss in posting to this blog, but it is for a good reason. No, unfortunately, I'm not pregnant, however I am.....happy. Well and truly happy with my life right now.

For so long, I have allowed infertility to rule my every waking thought. For seven years my inability to bear a child has consumed me, made me less of a person. I couldn't truly enjoy my life and all there was in it. There was always a bitterness that tinged whatever joy I could find. I hated how the blackness of my depression would creep up on me at the most unexpected times. I forgot who I used to be.

No longer. Since our vacation, I have slowly begun to find myself again-the me I was so long ago, before this baby race began. I find myself able to hear about a friend's pregnancy without wincing, to watch happy families together without that tug in my heart, to make love to my husband without thinking about sperm counts, ovulation, temperatures. There is definitely a freedom in letting go and finding yourself. I keep myself busy with activities with my family and friends, and find myself planning for the future, without automatically including children in that equation.

That's not to say that I'm giving up on being a mother-not by any means. I fully intend to have children someday. However, I've let go of it being the sole purpose in my life. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with myself now, and as I take these tottering steps towards that future, I am filled with a hope I've never felt before.

So, you ask, where does that leave this blog? Well, I'm just going to shift gears for awhile and post about whatever's in my head at the moment, and lately, that's been politics. So, you may find that I'm taking a completely different direction then what you had expected. However, this blog is, and always has been, a form of catharsis for me-and I've got a lot on my mind, other than infertility, that I need to get out.

Now, I will eventually get around to doing those detailed vacation posts, but suffice it to say we had an absolutely marvelous time, and yes, Kellie, I did get my Papaw's knife back, I'm happy to report.

Until next post, I wish you all the peace and joy you can find in your life.......

Motivation

Is what I don't have alot of these days. I know you've all been waiting for the next installment of my vacation posts, and honestly, everyday I mean to post them, but either something comes up, or I just don't have it in me to sit and type for about an hour or so. I'm really sorry about that, and since I have nothing better to do at work tomorrow (don't tell my boss that!), I'll find time to put up the next vacation post.

So, until then, I'll see you later-I've got laundry to do!

I Had To Walk Up A Hill!! Barefoot!! In The Snow!! (Also known as: Vacation Post, Part Deux)

So, where was I?

Oh yeah-when we last left off, Jake and I were on our way from the Meteor Crater in Winslow, AZ to Flagstaff, AZ, where we planned to stay before visiting the Grand Canyon the following day. Well, the further up the mountain we went, the worse the snow became, thanks to a horrendous storm that was barreling down on us. By the time we reached Flagstaff, there was already a good 4-6 inches on the ground, and it was still coming down. The roads weren't too bad, as long as you were careful, and we stopped at the motel we would be staying in for the night. After unloading everything from the car and putting it in the room, I cranked up the heat (it was cold!) and we decided to see if we could find a Wal*Mart to get a couple of things I forgot to bring with us, along with some dinner. Well, we didn't find the Wal*Mart, because we took a wrong turn and ended up in the old "Route 66" part of Flagstaff. We ended up stopping at a Family*Dollar and made our purchases as quickly as possible, since it was after dark, and a sports car and slick roads do not mix well. Well, by the time we got back to the room, it was STILL cold!! I figured out that the heater was broken, and after switching rooms, we settled in for the evening and the snow kept falling while we slumbered.

The next morning, Jake comes barging into the room with breakfast from downstairs and announces that we'll be lucky to get out of there because he'd been up since 5 am (it was 8 by this time) and despite brushing the snow off the car then, it was now covered with another almost 4 inches, on top of what had been falling all night. There were also cars stuck at both the entrance and exit to the motel, and who knows when they'd get unstuck, and the manager was downstairs, cursing in a foreign language-panic was rampant. Trust me, it was a very dramatic moment. To make things worse, I was on my period and very emotional, so when I started to become weepy at the prospect of being stuck in Flagstaff for the rest of my vacation, Jake snapped at me, only making things worse. We went downstairs with my determination to dig us out, (damn it!!) and for me to eat breakfast while there was still any left. Jake at least had the foresight to turn our car around at 5 am, and park backwards in the space, to make it easier to get out. So, we proceeded to use the motel's snow shovel and got to digging! The snow was between 8-24 inches, depending on where the drifts were. But, by golly, we dug, and we got that car clear!! I'd already packed everything up to make for a quick exit, and we rushed downstairs with our bags, throwing them haphazardly into the back of the car. But before leaving I took these three photos from our room to prove how bad it got. Despite all of our hard work, we still weren't sure if we'd actually be able to make it out of the parking lot. I give total credit to Jake's driving skills for getting us out of there. Needless to say, we decided that the Grand Canyon trip was a bust. There was no way we'd safely make it up there.

However, this was not to be the end of our drama. Once on the freeway, the snow was still falling, and everyone was driving 20 mph down the mountain, in the middle of the road. Cars and trucks were off the road, where they had slid before coming to a stop. The trees and ground were covered, and the wind started picking up-blowing the snow even harder. It was a tense ride, but the further we descended down the mountain, the better the driving conditions became. Unfortunately, after we were about an hour away from the motel, I remembered that I had lent Jake my beloved (deceased) Papaw's pocket knife to open something with, and I didn't recall him giving it back. He said he had left it on the night stand, thinking I'd see it. Well, I didn't, and that meant that we had left it behind in our rush to flee the area before more snow could fall. I immediately burst into hysterical sobs, as this was the only physical thing I had left of my Papaw, and I was so mad at Jake I couldn't see straight. I finally came to my senses enough to call the motel and ask that if they found it, could they please hang on to it, until we came back through on our way home? The manager said he would, but my phone died from a bad cell area before I could give him my cell number. All we could do is cross our fingers, and hope the maid found it and turned it in. Since there was nothing we could do, we resolved to enjoy the rest of our vacation, and continued on to.......

Vegas, baby!!! VEGAS!!!!

(to be continued.......)

Inappropriate Wedding Reception Songs

So, I was ruminating about nonsensical things, and I was thinking "What are some really inappropriate songs that I've heard at weddings?" Now, I'm not just talking about sexually-themed songs, but songs that may have the theme of "love" to them, but don't apply to the newly-wed. Here are some examples I've come up with (listed below), and I want all of you to reply to this-adding your own selections. Let's see what we can come up with! Bonus points if you've actually heard these at a wedding!!

1. "The Dance" by Garth Brooks (this song is about a couple that broke up, stupid!!)

2. "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (Um, don't you remember that Jack DIED at the end?! Is that the thought you want to enter wedded bliss with?)

3. "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston (A good-bye song from a hooker, in the Dolly Parton version)

4. "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC (While I LOVE this song, I don't exactly want the image it conjures in the head of my parents before I head off for my wedding night...ewwww)

5. "I Know" by Jude (A song about a relationship with a lonely guy and an emotionally/physically insecure woman. It's a gorgeous song, but I thought it was an interesting "first dance" choice for my brother-in-law and his wife)

Technical Difficulties *Updated*

***Ok, apparantly I'm an HTML idiot. I managed to fix the problem myself, thanks to some help on the Blogger forums. I was trying to upload a video of Prince's "When Doves Cry" for the "Tuesday Goodness" post. Well, I guess something was wrong w/the html or the link was too long for IE, and it not only caused my sidebar to drop to the bottom, but it made it so I couldn't even delete my posts. However, when I went into edit mode, and deleted the "blank box" that was in the posts, then republished-voila!! It worked! Not only could I delete my posts, but my sidebar was back on the side! Oh well, at least it's fixed now. I'm leaving this post up, in case any other Blogger user has a similar problem.***

I'm having Blogger issues with my posts (hence the 2 blank "Tuesday Goodness" posts below), so until the tech support people get back to me, installment #2 of my vacation adventures will have to wait.

In the meantime, I will try to do a funny post to keep you occupied.

Thanks for understanding!

The Long Awaited Vacation Post (Part I)

So, about my vacation--other than a couple of snags, it was everything I'd wanted it to be and more. Here are some of the highlights:


We started off heading west on I-40, going through western Oklahoma, the Texas Panhandle, and the New Mexico desert, before stopping for the night at a HoJo in Albuquerque. The room had a king sized bed, something Jake and I are not used to sleeping on, as we have a full size at home. Seeing as how we like to cuddle in our sleep, more than half the bed went to waste.

The next morning, we headed off to our next destination: Flagstaff, AZ, with a quick stop at the meteor crater in Winslow. Jake has always wanted to see the crater, ever since he saw "Starman" as a kid. First, we had to cross the Navajo reservation in NM. What a beautiful part of the country! We definitely felt we were in the "State of Enchantment". As we headed into the mountains, the temperature began to fall, as did the snow. By the time we reached this point, it was really coming down. Being the anal-retentive planner that I am, I was already expecting this and had prepared thusly by ensuring our coats were within easy reach, and that we had a blanket and supplies, "just in case". The roads were still pretty good at this point, and since we were descending down the mountain into Arizona, they only improved as we went along.


Considering that it is essentially a big hole in the ground, the Meteor Crater is, quite simply, an amazing sight to behold. To think that a giant piece of rock fell out of the sky from space to come hurtling down and slam into the Earth is an astounding thought. My photos of the Crater do not do it justice. The sheer enormity of its size is intimidating, and makes you leery of any other such catastrophes occurring in our lifetime. While we were at the Crater, a massive storm system was bearing down on us from the West, whipping up the wind and blowing snow everywhere. We were freezing our collective asses off while admiring the view, although it was completely worth it. For any of you considering checking out this natural wonder, I highly recommend that you do, however, please note that there is a charge to get in. We had to pay $15/person for the adult rate. Jake was slightly griping about the price, but I reminded him that this is the National Park Service we're talking about, and this poor, under-funded agency needs all the money it can get. All in all, despite the cold and the price, it was a great little stop along our way, and I would definitely go there again.

Next up: Flagstaff! Or: How The Heck Do We Dig Ourselves Out Of This Snow?!!

Programming Note...

Sorry, folks. As my good friend, Kellie, reminded me, I had promised a vacation update (with photos!) upon my return. Well, I've been back almost 2 weeks now, and have yet to fulfill that promise.

My work and personal life has been quite hectic these past 2 weeks, and I'm just now getting to upload some of my vacation photos (you can see them in my flickr account), but I promise (cross my heart, etc.) to have an update and photos up by Sunday. I have so much to share-stories, laughs, harrowing adventures-you won't want to miss it!

See you Sunday!

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted....

....vacation have to get away!!!!! (Don't you just love the Go-Go's?!)

As of tomorrow night, Jake and I are embarking on a 10 day road trip out west to see such sights as:

*The Grand Canyon!*

*Las Vegas!*

*Santa Barbara!*

AND...

*San Francisco!*

Exciting, no?

This is will be our first "real" vacation (visiting relatives so does not count) in the 8 years since our honeymoon trip to Disney World. Needless to say, we desperately need this downtime together. However, since we don't own a laptop, I will be unplugged from the world wide web for the duration of our trip, and cannot update you with tidbits from the road. However, I promise to post stories and pictures upon my return. In the meantime, if any of you is harboring "Aunt Flo" at your house, could you send her my way? She's 4 days late for her arrival, and according to Mr. Evil Pee Stick (whom I christened yesterday), there is no reason within my uterus (like, say, an embryo-ha, ha, ha...oh how funny!) for the delay. My fear is that she'll show up on the road, and with her will be her evil sister: Excruciating Cramps, and I'll have to seriously sedate myself in order to tolerate the pain. Oh Endo, what a bane to my existence you are! Just wait, I'll lap' you off this year-so there!

Anyway, so any good thoughts you could send our way for a safe trip, and minimal pain for me would be appreciated. See you on the flipside!

A Chance To Make A Difference

I was just reading this week's issue of People magazine, and came across an article about the Millennium Promise project run by Dr. Jeffrey Sachs. The goal of the project, in conjunction with the UN, is to end worldwide poverty by 2025.

The program is trying to elminate poverty one village at a time. To some, this may be a lofty goal, but when you read about a 6 year old boy who died of a severe case of malaria for lack of a medicine that would cost only $1.20 per person, you may change your mind.

The plight of Africa is one that haunts me. In this world of prosperity for so many, it is an overwhelming tradgedy that Africans are dying by the thousands every day. Not only from the AIDS epidemic, but from the simplest of diseases, like malaria, and from lack of food and clean water-all things we take for granted every day. It breaks my heart to read these stories. I feel so helpless, yet there is something simple I, and you, can do. The Project is asking for a $50 annual donation to help reach its goal of $300,000 a year for the 5 years it will take to lift a village of 5,000 out of poverty. Now, I don't know about you, but I can blow $50 on one trip to Wal-Mart or Target, just on useless junk. $50 is not too much to ask to save the lives of thousands, in my opinion, and I will gladly give it. I know there are so many homeless and impoverished people here in America that we should all help as well, but at least here in the US we have social programs that (while terribly underfunded) are in place to begin the process of giving a hand up to those in need. I fully advocate helping the poor in America-I was once homeless in my childhood- and will definitely post more on that later, but this story struck a chord in me that I can't ignore.

I encourage all of you to pick up a copy of this week's People (with Sheryl Crow on the cover), and read the story for yourself. If you find yourself as moved as I was, please visit the Millennium Promise site here and contribute if you are able.

I leave you with my favorite quote: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Ghandi, and a wish for a better tomorrow.

Bigger Than A BJ

As some of you may now know, the AP has released a video showing that the President knew damn well the scope of devastation that would occur in the wake of Katrina a full 24 hours before the hurricane hit. What astonishes me is not that this incompetent, bumbling fool did nothing, (because hey, if America coming under terrorist attack didn't provoke him into action, then why would a natural disaster?) but that everyone isn't screaming for his head, the way they did Clinton's. All Clinton did was get a blow job from an intern-he didn't allow his extremely poor judgment contribute to the deaths and devastation of thousands of innocent lives.

How much longer are we going to allow this man, and his Administration drag America down into an abyss of shame, inaptitude, and fear? When will someone stand up and hold him accountable for his actions? Why is receiving sexual gratification (albeit inappropriately) from an intern worse than this? If Clinton had acted in the same egotistical, reckless manner that Bush has displayed, then I would've been one of the first to call for his head on a platter (and this is coming from someone who loves me some Bill).

I encourage each of you out there to contact your Senators and Members of Congress and tell them that America won't stand for this any more! Tell them to make Bush accountable for his (in)actions, the way they held Clinton accountable for his. By not speaking out, and standing by idly, we are giving Bush permission to continue down this destructive path for the remainder of his term. America, let's grow some BALLS and do the right thing!

Happiness Is Low Approval Rating

This made my otherwise blah day bright. Ahhh... *smile*

Is everyone waking up yet? Do you finally get what "we" (and by "we" I mean the "dreaded Liberals") have been saying about this moron for the past 6 years?

Remember folks, mid-term elections are this November! Cast your vote and let your voice be heard! Every vote counts and you can help turn the tide of our country, and undo all the bad that's been done.





(Thanks to erinberry for the link!)

Dear South Dakota:

(image courtesty of: PerezHilton.com)

Feeling "The Funk"

And I'm not talking about a George Clinton and Parliament kind of funk.

Once again, I'm going through one of my "downer" phases, always related to my infertility struggle. The older I get, the worse it gets, because I feel like time is running out for me. I know, I'm only 28, and others, like my friend Kellie, are in their 40's and having children, so I shouldn't give up hope. But, just like I always had the overwhelming sense that I would have fertility problems, I know that if I don't conceive via IVF by the time I'm 32-33, it's not gonna happen for me, and that makes me incredibly sad. Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

Please, don't think I'm bashing on adoption, or that I'm not even considering it, I am. It's just that for us, we feel the need to at least try IVF before being able to emotionally let go of our biological urge to procreate and move on to adoption. I think adoption is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and I've known a lot of people to take this route when creating a family, and they are extremely happy with their decision. I wish I could do the same, but for whatever reason, I have this overwhelming need to carry life within me, and give birth to that life. Therein lies the difference. I know I am fully capable of loving and accepting an adopted child no differently than a biological one, but I would regret not trying IVF for the rest of my life if we didn't take that step. I would forever play the "what if" game.

I was watching "Parenthood" last night on cable. I really love that movie, but it left me feeling so, so, sad. Watching the interactions of the parents with the kids, and all the drama that having a family entails, yet all the love at the same time, is so touching. The movie reiterated just how badly I want Jake and I to be parents. I know he'll make such a fabulous father, and I'm sure I'll be a great mom. It breaks my heart that we're having to go through this. That any of us have to. It sucks, sucks, SUCKS!!!

So, while I'm going through this "phase" I'll be in "cocoon" mode, where I insulate myself from the world for awhile, at least until I can get a better grip on my emotions. I hope to be back soon. Thanks for understanding.

(PS: I've re-opened the comments section again.)

For Your Consideration...

Here are some entertainment bits that I've currently enjoyed, and thought I'd pass along:

Movies:

Glory Road

For 2 reasons:

1. Josh Lucas es muy caliente*! (*very hot, I mean, did you see him in Sweet Home Alabama?!)

2. I have a serious weakness for sports movies. I guess it's that whole, "Underdog team comes from behind to win the game, but not before learning some very important life lesson along the way" kind of thing. Who knows? Either way, I always tear up at some point during the film.

Hustle & Flow

Because, "You know it's hard out here for a pimp", for real yo. (Now nominated for 2 Oscars: Best Actor: Terrance Howard, Best Original Song: "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp"!! See, it's a quality film-the Academy even says so!)

Books:

Mr. Darcy Takes A Wife by Linda Berdoll

A sort of "sequel" to Pride and Prejudice, it tells the story of what happens after the wedding of Darcy and Elizabeth. I love this book and am reading it for the second time. However, most JA "purists" do not like this book, because it is chock-full of "coital" scenes, like a romance novel.

Music:

James Blunt - Back to Bedlam

"You're Beautiful" is hauntingly beautiful, indeed.

Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams

"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" is a fun, upbeat ditty.

How Apropros!

Just a little something to think about before the State of the Union address tonight!

Need I Say More?

Read this article and then have the nerve to ask me again why I don't believe in God.

Bitches like this are allowed to breed kids left and right, yet I'm not even able to conceive one child!? Tell me, where's God in that?

If there is a God, then he's an asshole for allowing shit like this to happen. I used to think things happened for a reason, now I see just that "shit happens". There is no reason, or why, or mystic/religious how behind it. It just is, and it sucks.

*Rant Over*

It Was The Worst Of Times...

My very best friend, Aimee (whose pictures you can see in my flickr account), a wonderful, kind, sweet, giving, 25 year old, has suffered what appears to be a stroke.

Yesterday, at lunch, she and I went to the blood drive in our building to do our part. I was declined to donate, because I currently have a nasty case of bronchitis and am on antibiotics. I hung around to wait while Aimee gave blood, and to keep her company. After swabbing her arm with iodine, and before inserting the needle, I saw Aimee give me a funny look, then turn to talk to the nurse. I saw the nurse call over another, and then saw them put away the tubes and collection bag. I walked over to see what was happening, and Aimee told me (in a very slurred voice) that she didn't "feel right". The nurse asked if this was how she always talked and I told her "no". Then, I noticed that the right side of Aimee's mouth was drooping. So I asked Aimee to smile, and when she could only smile with the left side of her mouth, I knew something serious was going on. "Stroke" immediately entered my mind, but I dismissed it, because Aimee is not in a high risk category, and she was fine a few minutes before. The nurse called over her supervisor, who then called the on-call Dr. on her cell. The Dr. said that she should see her Dr., but that it was probably nervousness from donating. The nurses kept taking Aimee's blood pressure, and were trying to keep her calm, as was I. In the meantime, she was deteriorating to the point where she had weakness on her entire right side. She could barely move her limbs in that side and felt a "tingling" sensation in her right hand. I called her grandmother (who is our boss) to come up, and by the time she arrived, the decision had been made to take her to the ER. After I had to come back up to our office (leaving Aimee w/her grandmother), the decision to transport her via ambulance had been made. At the hospital, Aimee underwent a CT scan, and numerous other tests, but nothing came of it. She is now at the Dr.'s office, who will hopefully be able to shed some light on this mystery. She is still having problems with weakness, and some slurred speech, which continues to make me think she's had a stroke.

Needless to say, I am beside myself with worry. How can something like this happen to a perfectly normal, healthy, almost-26 year old woman? I feel so completely helpless, and don't know what to do with myself. I know all I can do is be there for her, and support her, no matter what happens. I guess this just drives home the point that anything can happen to any of us, at anytime. You never know. And that's what makes me most scared of all.....

*Updated to add: I've spoken with Aimee's grandmother (my boss), who has confirmed via the Dr., that she has indeed suffered a mild stroke. The Dr. is very optimistic that thanks to her age and health, she'll recover quickly. He even expressed that he thinks she'll regain full use of her right arm/hand within the next 10 days or so. She has to undergo physical therapy everyday, and is on various medications, including blood thinners. She'll have an MRI, echocardiogram, and ultrasound next Wednesday to see if they can determine not only what caused the stroke, but see if there is any permanent damage.*

Just When IS Someday, Anyway?

(Disclaimer: This post would fall under that "Incoherent Ramblings" category I speak of in my header...)

I really am tired of waiting for someday. You know, "someday" we'll be able to afford a vacation, "someday" I'll freakin' graduate, "someday" we'll buy a house, "someday" we'll be able to have kids. I hate "someday", because "someday" never comes, or at least not fast enough for me (I of the persistently impatient nature).

It seems that "someday" seems to be dicated by something else I can't stand: "money" or, "lack thereof". See, even when that "someday" arrives when I graduate, or even when Jake graduates, we'll be in debt up to our eyeballs with our student loans. So, by the time we're somewhat financially stable, will I even have eggs that are worth a shit to try IVF?!?

I know we're trying, dammit; we're trying as hard as we can to make a better life for ourselves, but I've already waited 7 years for my child, and I'm getting sick of the continued wait. We are going be fabulous parents, fabulous I tell ya! We have so much bottled up love from waiting for said child, that they may OD on our joyous attention. Poor kid, we're gonna smother it with love.

It just kills me to look at my husband, the man I love more than breathing, and to envision him holding our baby in his arms, and knowing that that fantasy is so far off in the future that it seems impossible to come true. He's so great with kids, I know he's going to make a fantastic father, #1 DAD shirts and all that jazz. Now, I have the added pressure of knowing my in-laws are finally into the whole grandparent idea, and they're ready to see some grandchildren! Of course, they know all about our fertility issues, we're totally "out" to everyone about IF, but just knowing that they want us to have kids just as much as we want to is even more of a burden.

Alright, alright, I'm making no sense now, guess I just needed to vent. I'll post more coherently interesting stories later.....

We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Post To Bring You This Important Announcement:

Hey everyone!

I received this email from MoveOn.org, and signed the petition. If you agree with me that the Administration has gone too far, please feel free to follow the link below and add your voice to mine and countless others. I'm normally not a petition-y kind of person, but this one is definitely worthwhile. Let's hope it makes a difference!

PS: If you live in Oklahoma, be sure to support Gov. Brad Henry in his bid for re-election. Gov. Henry is a great man, who has not only fulfilled his campaign promises, but has made our State a better place to live during his term. Don't let assholes like Earnest Istook win and take our State back to the Dark Ages.

Also, don't forget that there are very important mid-term elections this year! Let's make a difference in November! Get out the vote and let your voice be heard! Politics in action, baby! Yeah!

Subject: The President Broke the Law

Hi,

President Bush admitted to personally authorizing thousands of allegedly illegal wiretaps, and he doesn't plan to stop. Circumventing the Constitution is serious business.

This is a big moment. People from across the political spectrum are standing together to protect the rule of law and the principles that are core to our identity as Americans.

Can you sign this petition to show Congress that Americans want a thorough investigation of the president's secret wiretapping program?http://political.moveon.org/ruleoflaw/

Thanks!

I Hate Angelina Jolie

Not because I'm on Team Aniston or some other such bullshit. Nope, I hate her for this reason. It's not bad enough that: a) She's a fabulously wealthy, Oscar winning, beautiful actress, b) she has been lucky enough to adopt not one but two gorgeous children, as well as, c) she gets to see Brad Pitt naked whenever she wants. Now, she has to put icing on that cake and go and get herself knocked up! Damn it! I truly wish she and Brad and their little family all the best, but I shall seethe with jealousy while parlaying my good wishes through gritted teeth.

On another celebrity baby-watch note: the word is Courtney Cox and David Arquette are once again undergoing IVF in order to provide baby Coco with a sibling. I say good for them! It's nice when celebrities come out with their fertility struggles. While I understand the need for privacy, especially with something so personal as infertility, we've all seen how celebrities can bring the spotlight to many medical issues. By "coming out" about their inferitlity, so to speak, stars like Cox and Brooke Sheilds (but not YOU Julia Roberts, you still insist that twins run in your family...yeah right), help to ease the stigma of infertility and help the public understand the struggle couples undergo in pursuit of building a family.

Big Brother IS Watching You

This incensed me beyond all belief! The government has some fucking nerve opening private correspondence under the guise of "Homeland Security". And don't come at me with that pseudo-patriotic bullshit about how we all have to make sacrifices to keep our country safer. I'm willing to wait in a 2 hour long security line at the airport, just to be screened by totally inept and completely underpaid screeners who think that I can hijack a fucking 757 with my nail clippers, I don't mind that at all. Or being screened at any public venue-that's cool with me. But, when you start opening and reading people's mail just on the really off-hand chance that Al-Qaida is sending love letters to sleeper cells, then buddy, you've gone too far. I'm already supremely pissed that what I've suspected all along about the government spying on us without cause has now been proven true, but this is just icing on my cake. Maybe those guys who believe in the "black helicopters" were right all along?

I don't know if I can take another 3 years of this shit!!!! Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!!! (Excuse me while my head explodes in rage....)

This Post Is Brought To You By The Letter "C"

As in a COLD. As in, despite my repeatedly telling my co-workers and hubby that I can not afford to get sick, the assholes germinated me anyway. So, here I sit, with a head full of nasty gunk, while trying to resist the urge to drill a hold in my skull to relieve the pressure. Also, since I can't breathe through my nose, I'm sitting around with my mouth hanging open, looking something like this. Not very attractive, Muriel. Needless to say, this craptastic cold has left me drained, and as such, I have been neglecting my blogging duties. Hang with me, folks, hopefully I'll be back to my not-so-normal self soon.

PS: Here's a topic for you to mull over while I recover: With the (most likely) imminent death of Israeli PM Ariel Sharon looming on the horizon, and a new leadership currently in place, what will this mean for the Israeli/Palestinian peace process? Discuss.

PPS: How cool is it that my hero, Jon Stewart, will be hosting the Oscars?! Very cool, indeed.

Can I Get A Secular AMEN?!

Below is an op-ed piece in the commentary section of my local independent newspaper the Oklahoma Gazette [www.okgazette.com]. It truly expresses how I feel about this whole "War on Christmas" debacle. Read it, digest, enjoy.


The Grinch who couldn't steal Christmas
By: Robin Meyers

Maybe you've missed it because you don't watch Kelly Ogle, Bill O'Reilly or "The 700 Club, " but the big news isn't the war in Iraq. It's the "war against Christmas."

The Grinch who would steal it is the American Civil Liberties Union. The barbarians at the gate of all things holy and sacred and necessary for the survival of Western civilization are secular humansists. They are on manger patrol. They are out looking for tablets with the Ten Commandments to smash and haul away - ironically, most of which are now left over Hollywood PR stunts for Cecil B. DeMille.

While a real war is killing and maiming, about which the president has now been forced to tell "half the truth so help him God, " the Christian right has invented its latest fake war to rally the troops and raise money. O'Reilly's "fair and balanced" fake news network recently ran 58 segments on the latest outrage from the "lunatic left," and not a single one on the genocide in Darfur. People in that hellhole are not so much interested in whether it's "Happy Holidays" or Merry Christmas." They are trying to keep their heads from being chopped off.

Meanwhile, back at the Entitled American Ranch, the Christmas that is reportedly under siege has now passed, and it was bigger and more pervasive than ever - perhaps dangerously so. In countless churches, in countless homes, around countless Christmas trees that were called just that, people wished each other "Merry Christmas, " and they worshiped the baby Jesus, and they gave each other expensive gifts to honor the birth of a penniless rabbi from Nazareth who talked more about the spiritual hazards of wealth than anything else, save the kingdom of God.

But as they sipped their eggnog, safe in a land with more religious freedom than anywhere else on earth, they fumed about the "war on Christmas." They did what every true Christian is supposed to do - make and keep an enemies list. They poured each other a big cup of despair and fed each other the cookies of persecution. "Woe are we" - the embattled, the last best hope to save the world from people who don't even believe hell.

What they have forgotten, or can't understand because they believe in the principle of "my majority rules" (as long as I'm in it), is that the ACLU, whose only client is the Constitution, is their friend, not their enemy. When they get picky about compulsory prayer in schools, or religious artifacts on public property, or sectarian prayers at sporting events where a captive and diverse audience did not come to worship or hear such prayers (and whose rights also matter), they are not being anti-religion, nor are they trying to "steal Christmas."

In fact, those who work to preserve the separation of church and state are the most important ally we have in the fight to preserve religious freedom. It may seem ridiculous sometimes, but all one has to do is consider the alternative - an American theocracy that is the Holy Grail of today's True Believers. The are within striking distance, and they know it - that is, as soon as they get rid of those judges who do not rule according to "biblical law," those "vermin in black robes."

Besides, in the end, nothing could be more unbiblical than to buttress the revolutionary ways of Jesus with the scaffolding of the state. The baby whose birth we just celebrated grew up to be an adult who saved his white hot anger for religious hypocrisy - those who argued over every jot and title of the law, but neglected to give a thirsty child a cup of cold water to drink.

If you really want to "save Christmas," then bring the manger home from the mall, and set it up in your heart. Feed the homeless, welcome the stranger and pray for your enemies - the ones you believe are already forgiven. If you do this, Christmas will not seem embattled at all. Just irresistible.

Meyers is minister of Mayflower Congregational UCC Church and professor of rhetoric at Oklahoma City University.

The Post In Which I Become An Ungrateful Whiner

I grew up dirt poor, and as such, am usually quite grateful for any gift I receive. I never expect anyone to go out and spend their hard earned cash me, and I generally appreciate it when someone actually does. I also love to give gifts. Birthdays, holidays, any occasion at all. I just enjoy giving happiness to others through my carefully selected gifts. See, I'm the kind of person who will really think about the person I'm buying a gift for: their likes, dislikes, personal style, that sort of thing. I try to buy the most thoughtful gift I can on my limited budget, and most people really appreciate the effort. I do this by carefully paying attention to what others say that they need/want and file that information away for later. I also pay attention to the style and decor of my friend's and family's homes, so that I don't buy something they would never use. It's not always easy, but I do my best.

So, considering how much thought and effort I put into selecting gifts for my family and friends, it boggles my mind when they cannot do the same in turn. It's not that I'm hard to buy for, I'm not. I'm a Wal-Mart kind of gal, so I'm extremely low-maintenance, and I don't think that gift cards are chintzy gifts to give. I really do like 95% of the gifts I receive, I promise!

However, the gifts that came (belatedly) in the mail yesterday from my brother-in-law and his wife were not exactly what my husband or I expected. It looks as though we received some random gifts that you would give to someone you don't know well, or hell, I don't know, maybe they thought the gifts were cool. We received: 2 "squishy" small bolster pillows with this soft, fuzzy cover (which are quite comfortable), a 7 in 1 game set that still had the $6.99 price tag on it, a tango themed cutlery set from Buenos Aries (from their South American trip last year), a book light (which I actually liked a lot, since I'm a voracious reader), a ceramic, painted mask (which I hate-masks creep me out, and it looked like it came from the dollar store), and some chocolate Euro-coin shaped candies (which are over a year old-from their trip to Europe last year). It's almost like they looked around their house, found some random stuff from their travels, plus a couple of quickly purchased gifts and shipped them off. I know, I know...I'm being an ungrateful bitch. But this is the millionth time I have taken MONTHS to carefully select and purchase their gifts, while spending more than I should, only to be burned in return. And it's not like they are poor, or struggling. My brother-in-law's salary is three times than what Jake and I make together in a year's time, and he owns several properties, while we only rent a duplex. I know it's supposed to be the thought that counts, but that's just it....I thought about their gifts, and they thought nothing about ours. I think it hurt my hubby's feelings, and he said to me "I told you not to spend money on them!". Jake had me order a custom made hoodie for he and his brother with their last names on them, because he thought it was really cool, and it is. So, for his brother to be so thoughtless stings a bit.

The other thing that annoyed me was that once again, for the millionth time, they misspelled my name. My name is spelled N-A-T-A-L-E-E, not I-E, which I know is the customary spelling, but that's not how my mother chose to spell it. I have been with my husband for over 10 years. In that time, I have sent countless cards and packages with my name spelled properly to my BIL and his wife. You'd think, in all that time, at some point, that they'd notice how my name is spelled. I've even teased it my BIL about it. I mean come on! I'm thinking of deliberately misspelling their names from now on, until they get the hint. Although knowing them, they won't.

Please don't think I don't love my in-laws, I do. Well, to be more honest, I love my BIL like he's my own brother, but my SIL? Eh....she's nice and all, but she gets on my nerves. She's a likeable gal, but do I love her? Not so much. Despite that, because she is married to my beloved BIL, I treat her with the utmost kindness and respect, and spend just as equally on her as I do for him. It's not her fault that she grates on my nerves, that's just her personality, and I'm not going to penalize her for it.

Ok, enough bitching and whining for now. Trust me, this is the only place where I'll be expressing this opinion. I would never say anything to them directly, or to any other family member about it, so as not to hurt their feelings. But damn it, I just had to express it somewhere, and since this is my blog, and no one in my family knows about it, this is where I'll say it! And um, seeing as how no one at all really reads my blog, I'm thinking I'm safe, no?

Well, here's hoping your Christmas was merrier than mine!

Always the Bridesmaid...

....never the mother. Ok, so that didn't exactly make sense, but I couldn't think of a better analogy.

I belong to a support group for those suffering from primary infertility. I've been a member of this group for almost 4 years now. In that time, I've seen many women come and go, most by successfully achieving their dreams of motherhood, either through ART or adoption. However, there are a few of us "core" ladies who have been unfortunate enough to still be around, even after all of these years. Some of these women have been on this board much longer than I, and I've always hoped for the best for them.

Today, I found out that two of these women received positive betas from their recent ART cycles. These are women with whom I have shared my ups and downs with during this long, painful "journey" (I hate that word) of infertility, and I consider them to be my friends. So, of course I was happy to read of their success, and I hope that their pregnancies result in beautiful, healthy children. However, I can also admit that my joy is greatly tinged with bitterness, jealousy, and sadness for myself. Most of the women on the board are currently undergoing treatment or are in the process of adoption, and here I am, stuck always in perpetual limbo. I feel like I will never get to get on that horse and ride off into the sunset with my baby. I'm now three months away from hitting the 7 year mark of TTC. For fuck's sake, if Jake and I didn't have infertility issues, we could have a 6 year old by now!!! Do you have any idea how painful that is for me to think of that?!? When is it my turn?! I'm sick and fucking tired of waiting; waiting for money, for insurance, for jobs, so that we can finally pursue our goals of parenthood. I don't have TIME to wait!!!

Jake and I sat around Christmas Day, after everyone left, and were both filled with sadness that yet another holiday had gone by without our own children. I enjoyed watching my foster sisters, nephew and niece rip into their presents, but I want to see MY kids doing that. It is so fucking hard to endure this year, after year, after year. Every Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas comes and goes without my child. I hate seeing my husband and I so sad during what should be some of the happiest times with our families. We want to make a family of our own, and we can't. And that sucks so damn bad, that unless you've gone through this yourself, you'll never know what I'm talking about.

Excuse me while I go and mend my broken heart once again.....

Happy Christmahanukwanzakah! (and New Year)

Just wanting to wish you and yours the best this Holiday Season. Yes, I'm saying HOLIDAY, not CHRISTMAS, because I do have friends and family who are not Christian (including myself), so I'm being all-inclusive, not PC. However, I DO call my tree a Christmas tree, because that's the holiday I'm putting it up for.

Anyway, enough of that rant! So, have a great one (but be safe, ok?), whatever it is you celebrate, and I'll see you all next year!

And I pinky swear to post more in '06!

Hugs,

Nat

PS: Karen, if you're reading this: Hello! And thanks for stopping by!

What's New Pussycat? (Whoa, whoa, whoooa!!)

Well, not much here, to be honest. School started on August 22nd, and my crazy ass is taking 17 hours this semester. So far it's not that bad, except for one of my online classes, and that's only because the professor is being kind of a dick, which according to my SIL (who took his class 3 years ago), is not unusual. Oh well, it's just 16 weeks of my life, right? And, it always goes by rather quickly, so hopefully it will be over and done with before I know it, and then it's on to Winter Break and then Spring semester, where I'll probably only take 12-15 hours, so it won't be so harsh. I find Fall semester to be easier because there are more breaks (Labor Day, Fall Break, Thanksgiving Break), whereas Spring only has 1-Spring break, so I'd rather take a heavier class load in fall.

My classes:

* Intro to Algebra (yes, I suck at math and have to take a zero level remedial)
* Philosophy
* Elementary Astronomy
* American Government
* Intro to Speech

So, that makes for an interesting mix. Nothing too boring, although my Speech prof. does have a tendency to go on too long, but hey, that's what the guy is getting paid to do, so I listen!

On the infertility front, despite a reluctance on both our parts to go the adoption route before trying ART, Jake and I are actually now having good, open conversations about it (which HE initiated...believe it or not!). It's just discussions right now, and of course I flip-flop back and forth between it and ART, but a lot of that has to do with some unresolved grief related to infertility. We have a long way to go before we are ready to really get serious about it (like, gee...maybe graduating and getting good jobs for instance!), but we already know we want to go the International route. I'm thinking Guatamala or the Ukraine, although China is also an option. Anyway, if anything more comes up about that or ART, I'll let you guys know.

We still only have 1 working car right now, and because of that, and school, I've had to cut back on my work schedule by 5 hrs/wk, causing me to slip to part-time, and be taken off of salary and getting paid hourly, though I get to keep my benefits, which is good. This majorly sucks because it has the potential for reducing my income by up to $155/check. Sometimes it won't be that bad, but at least twice between now and the end of the year I'll be stressing thanks to money. Compounding our problems is the rising gas prices. Jake has a delivery job at night, and it's getting so that he's making no money because it's all going in the tank, making it worthless to even go in, except that he also gets hourly pay, and that helps some with bills. And before you say, "Why doesn't he get a better job?", let me tell you that he has TRIED, and he already has a 2nd job doing IT stuff at my office part-time. But, until he graduates, there's not much he can do, unfortunately. I'm going to jump on my soapbox here for a minute to remind everyone out there that when you order food for delivery, this is a SERVICE, and you should compensate the driver for making your life easier. He/she is using THEIR GAS to bring YOU goods so that YOU can save YOUR GAS. I don't care if your pizza was late (which, BTW is usually NOT the driver's fault!), give the delivery person a tip at least equal to or greater than a gallon of gas! One or two dollars does not cut it. If you don't like it, get off your ass and go get your own Pizza/Chinese/Whatever. Ok, rant over now!! Just needed to vent a minute because bad tippers piss me off!!! Oh, and one last thing...Just FYI...that delivery charge the pizza parlor charges you? It doesn't go to the driver, or at least, not all of it...maybe only a fraction does.

Oh! Before I forget...I'm back on the pill for now. For the endo. Last month I had horrendous cramps which caused me to have an unscheduled date with the dildocam, which of course showed NOTHING because you can rarely see endo on a u/s, even a transvaginal one. So, we decided to give the pills one last go before moving on to a lap, and my period this month was much lighter, and I only had small, manageable cramps. No narcotics needed. Although, I'm so scatterbrained about taking medications on time that I had to set my cell phone alarm to remind me when to take them everyday. Gotta do what you gotta do!

Whew! Guess that's it for now. I'll post about the tragedy of Katrina later, it's my bedtime.

TTFN*!!!

*ta ta for now!! (as Tigger says)

Losing My Religion

So, I've come to a radical realization (for myself): there is no God, no invisible man in the sky looking down on all we do, controlling the universe as if we were pieces on a chess board.

This is quite a dramatic statement coming from someone who was raised in a Catholic/Southern Baptist enviornment, and in fact, I still collect religious icons, crucifixes, angels, etc. I think there is alot of beautiful religious art out there, but that doesn't mean I have to believe in what it represents.

I didn't come to this realization overnight, nor did I make my decision lightly, it has been coming for quite some time now. I've just slowly, and steadly lost my faith and belief system over the years of my adulthood, and now it has been completely erradicated. Now, I know that alot of people will think that this only because of my infertility. Although that was a contributing factor, it was only one of many. This also does not mean that I think there is something wrong with people who do have a faith or belief system for themselves, be it Christian, Jewish, Hindu, whatever. I know that there can be comfort and solace in religious beliefs, and if that's what you need in your life, I have no problem with that. I just don't need it in mine. Nor do I need judgements from others regarding my decision. I think religion itself is a deeply personal decision and experience that is unique to each individual, even if you have the same belief system as another.

I really haven't shared this decision with many people, because I really don't want to hear any negativity, nor do I think it's most people's business. However, many of those I have told have been supportive, and they respect my decision, although most of them believe I am just going through a "phase" and will eventually return to the bosom of Christianity. I feel no need to disavow them of that notion, I'm guessing they'll eventually figure it out for themselves.

A Poem

Here's a poem I wrote a couple of years ago that I thought you all might enjoy:

Vent

Desperate

Hopeless

I feel such a loss

Waiting

Wanting

Pleading

Questions never answered

The cruelty of circumstance stings my eyes

Fills them with tears

So many shed

Empty wombs and empty arms feel heavy with grief

Envious stares towards those who have what I don’t

Keep the dream alive

Or give up the fight

The battle rages in my mind

Your clumsy attempts at comfort are not the soothing gestures you mean

Inadvertently twisting the knife further into my heart

I reach out into a quiet dark

Seeking those like me

Feeding from their words

Like a long starved thing

The medicine man fills me with his potions

Promises of success

Raising expectations

Two weeks is an eternity

How much more can I endure

In Memoriam

On this day, ten years ago, I awoke to sunlight streaming through my bedroom window, and my mother's voice calling me to get up. At this point in my life, I had dropped out of high school to care for her after major back surgery, as she could not care for herself. Mom had a 9 a.m. appointment at Social Security in the Murrah Federal Building downtown. We were going to see if she could qualify for temporary SSI disability payments, as there was no way she would be working anytime soon.

By 8:45, my perpetually late mother was still not ready to go, and so she called her SS caseworker to let her know we were going to be late. The lady told her that was ok, that she was helping someone else at the moment and was running behind herself. I was dreading driving downtown that day-I hated the traffic, one-way streets, and trying to find a metered parking spot. I had planned on dropping Mother off at the front of the building, and then cruising around until I found a parking space. Meanwhile, my stepdad, who was a vending route driver for Coca-Cola, was supposed to be at his account in the Journal Record building, directly across the street from the Murrah Building. Instead, he chose to take care of his routes on the north side of OKC before heading downtown. He too, was waiting for the morning traffic to die down.

At 9:02 a.m., on that beautiful, cloudless morning, just before leaving the house, we heard what sounded like a huge rumble of thunder, and our windows shook (for reference: we lived 20 miles from the blast). I looked outside, to see if there were any clouds, but there was nothing to be seen. We had the t.v. on, and suddenly there was a breaking news report that there had been an explosion (we thought natural gas at the time) at the Murrah Building. Mom and I were flabbergasted-we should have been there. My dad, at the time of the blast, was on a payphone with his boss. First, through the phone, and then through the air, he heard the explosion. When he found out on the radio that it was the Murrah Bldg., he was panic stricken, thinking that my mother and I were hurt, of course, we thought he was in the Journal Record building and that he could be injured as well. The phones lines were all tied up, so we couldn't reach each other. My dad finally raced home just in case we were there, or if my brother (who was home sick) knew when we had left. It was with a great relief that we found that we were all ok. However, one of my dad's co-worker's was not so lucky. His wife, a nurse, rushed to the scene to be of assistance. While searching for survivors in the rubble, a piece of concrete fell from above, and struck her in the head, killing her. She left behind four children. My mother's caseworker was also killed.

168 innocent people, including several children in a daycare center, would perish that day. Those who survived carry the physical, mental, and emotional scars to this day. Some sought retribution through the trial, conviction, and execution of Timothy McVeigh. Others sought more peaceful means of resolution. Neither way is right nor wrong.

I am so proud of how my fellow Oklahomans handled themselves in the wake of this enormous tragedy, and I continue to hold that pride ten years later. Everyday I am reminded of that strength and resiliance as I gaze out my office window that overlooks the memorial where the building once stood. I see the "Survivor's Tree", which has become a symbol for us all that even in the face of death, life goes on.

Please take a moment of your time today to remember those lives lost, and send up a prayer, wish, chant, whatever-for those left behind. Thanks.

Book Report

As promised, here is a list of children's books that I adore. I either read them now, or read them as a child. Feel free to add your own choices in the comments!

*Harry Potter (can't wait for #5 to come out 7/16!)-J.K. Rowling

*The Thunder Pup-Janet Hickman

*Encyclopedia Brown Series

*Bridge to Terabithia

*Little House on the Prairie Series-Laura Ingalls Wilder

*Hatchet

*Where The Red Fern Grows

*Summer of the Monkeys

*Island of the Blue Dolphins

*The Secret Garden

*Bobbsey Twins Series

*Nancy Drew Series

*Choose Your Own Adventure Series

*Babysitters Club Series

*Anything Judy Blume writes

*The Ramona Series-Beverly Cleary

*Anastasia Krupnik Series

*To Kill A Mockingbird-Harper Lee

*Charlotte's Web-E.B. White

*Little Women-Louisa May Alcott

*Diary of Anne Frank

*Anything written by Lois Lowry

*The Velveteen Rabbit

*Sweet Valley High Series

I'm sure there's much more that I can't think of at the moment, but maybe you can jog my memory. See, my love of books is just one of the reasons I'm going to be a librarian. I can't wait to influence young people to read, and get enjoyment out of the written word.

Randomness

Some random meanderings for your Friday:

*There is a teeny, tiny, less than 1% chance that I conceived 2 days ago. I'm only saying this because I had some of the best cervical mucus I've had in years, and we had sex twice that night, and once last night, so maybe one my hubby's lil' buggers can finally find their way to my egg. I'm not holding my breath or anything, though.

*I loved Julia's post today, it really got me thinking about my favorite books as a child. I will list them on a separate post, along with a few of my other favorite things.

*I've been soooo tired all day-I can't seem to wake up. TGIF so I can go home and take a nap!

*We're still awaiting final plans for FL, but it looks like we'll be in Tampa, not St. Pete. My BIL is making an offer on a house, and we should know something soon. A bonus: the house has a pool and a hot tub. Oh la la!

*My latest music find: Damien Rice. Fan-Tas-Tic! I heard his song "The Blower's Daughter" while watching "Closer" last night on DVD, and fell in love with his music. So I checked out the rest of the album online, and I am going to buy it. The title of his album is 'O'.

*As much as I love Spring, my allergies are driving me insane. I've had a persistent stuffy nose and dry cough for days. Nothing helps, and I really don't feel like shelling out the money for an allergy shot when benadryl does me good.

*I was disappointed by "Spanglish". While I appreciate the sentiment and acting in the film, the pace was entirely too slow. However, I adore funny Adam Sandler films-he cracks me up!

*It's almost time for our local annual Arts Festival. I can't wait to check out the Art, and enjoy a yummy Strawberry Newport, it's divine!

*Tomorrow I'm getting my eyebrows waxed, and then later we're going bowling with friends. Beer for everyone!

*I'm bored out of my mind right now-can't you tell?

So, what are YOU doing this weekend? Any fun upcoming plans?

A Hope and A Prayer

A HOPE for my friend, Sara. May this be the sign you were so desperately waiting for.

A PRAYER for Danae, who is having to endure more heartache than one person should have to.

Finally, a WISH that all our dreams of motherhood come true....

Yet More Proof That I Am Unworthy By Society's Standards

I haven't posted lately for two reasons: one, I've been really busy between work and school, and two, I've been too fucking depressed. For Pete's sake, I was watching "Kindergarten Cop" on cable the other day and started weeping upon viewing the sweet visages of the little 5 year old actors. I thought "I'll never even have a child to put in kindergarten!". How fucking pathetic is that, I ask you? I don't know why I'm once again going through this grief cycle of depression and thoughts that it will never happen for us. I thought I had got to the point of acceptance, and that it would happen eventually, but apparently not. It breaks my husband's heart to see me cry, especially when there's nothing he can do about it, so I try to hide the tears from him. I know, you're thinking I should share everything with him, and for the most part I do. But, if your husband were the primary cause of your infertility, would you want to further emasculate him by weeping over his inability to get you pregnant? No, I didn't think so. I adore my husband. He is my light, my soul, my breath, and I would never deliberately hurt him, so I bottle it all up.

You want to know what really broke my heart yesterday? Seeing him hold a 4 week old infant girl in his arms, and wishing that was our daughter he was holding so gently. Where's the crystal ball that will let me know when this is going to happen for us?! Six fucking years is too long too wait!!!!

So, yesterday I played "pretend mommy" to the 4 week old I previously mentioned. This baby, along with her sisters are staying with my mother in a foster situation, although we know the family. (For privacy reasons, I can't say more than that.) Anyway, my SIL and I were supposed to run errands together, and she decided to bring the baby along, since my nephew (her son) was going with my mother and the older girls to watch my uncle play baseball. She did call and ask if that was ok first, because she didn't want me to be upset. I was fine with it, and I enjoyed seeing the baby. When we went out, I carried the baby around, since my SIL is 33 weeks pregnant, so of course, everyone assumed she was mine. You wouldn't believe the amount of random strangers who either talked to me or smiled in passing, just because I had a newborn with me. Then, when we went out to eat, our waitress decided to tell us all about her 6 kids. All this, just because people assumed I was in their "Secret Society of Mommies". I seriously doubt any of these people would've given me the time of day had I not had the baby with me. Which is really sad, because I am a pleasant person, and I'm sure I'd have much more in common with these women than motherhood. My SIL was really shocked at the noticeable change in how others treated me, and she thinks it's just as unfair and ridiculous as I do.

Why is it, that just because I don't have a baby, I'm nothing to society? My SIL and I worked out the hierarchy of the Secret Society. It goes like this: Women with Infants, Pregnant Women, Women with Toddlers, Women with Older Children, Women Who Are Just Starting To TTC, Those who are in the Adoption Process, and then Infertiles, like me. Yep, the shit certainly does roll down hill. What the Fuck?! Why can't we all just be WOMEN and be nice and support each other no matter what? The feminist in me does not get this exclusionary attitude.

How about you? Any experiences like these? Or, once you had children, did you notice a change in how others treated you? How did that make you feel? Awaiting your answers....